Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Break

I had initially planned to go to Thelavi in the East for my break. Unfortunately things happened and I couldn't go around celebrating in Georgia. Instead, I was online, looking for 'cheap flights', talking to family over the phone, sms-es (texts), guilt trips, crying endlessly, hoping and praying, going to the airport and travelling agencies. Giving up. Feeling guilty in the middle of the night, sobbing quietly in my room. Living on pain killers as I hardly slept but cried endlessly most nights. Starting the process all over again. When I finally saw the possibility of going home, it was too late! They didn't have space for me. I took a deep breath and was somewhat relieved at the thought that it was over. I did all I could. The rest was beyond my control. The funeral was on Saturday, the 17th. I cried almost the whole day. I couldn't get hold of my family the night before, nor the day of the funeral. I finally talked to my sister all of 3seconds but choked up crying and had to go. I hate to cry. I never want people to see or hear my cry. That was a slip off. Apparently she texted me back, but I didn't ge tit because she had run out of credit on her phone. I haven't felt that alone in a very very long time. I was alone in every sense of the word. I'd sometimes take a walk to the beach and just sit there and watch the waves and think deeply. Sometimes I'd feel better, sometimes weird. After the funeral, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders! I knew it was over, and there was nothing I could do about it! No more trying to see if I can still make it. None of that. on Saturday, the 17th. I cried almost the whole day. I couldn't get hold of my family the night before, nor the day of the funeral. I finally talked to my sister all of 3seconds but choked up crying and had to go. I hate to cry. I never want people to see or hear my cry. That was a slip off. Apparently she texted me back, but I didn't ge tit because she had run out of credit on her phone. I haven't felt that alone in a very very long time. I was alone in every sense of the word. I'd sometimes take a walk to the beach and just sit there and watch the waves and think deeply. Sometimes I'd feel better, sometimes weird. After the funeral, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders! I knew it was over, and there was nothing I could do about it! No more trying to see if I can still make it. None of that.