Friday, June 14, 2013

I think he's dead... El! Wake up!


Is this even the same guy as the guy I had been talking to? Is he a criminal? What if he’s not even who he says he is, All these thoughts ran through my mind, too late, I was already in the car. He seemed nervous. Which could be a good thing or a bad thing. We drove off. I would’ve been excited to finally be united with him if I were not totally freaked out.
 He had a Cars (the rock band) T-shirt, a black leather jacket, and blue levi’s Jeans on. He looked alright, he just didn’t quite look like the guy in the pictures. He looked more like a blown up version of that guy. While I was still battling these thoughts, trying to calm down the voices in my head, he grabbed my hand and stuck it in his mouth. What the ffffffffff---? Is what I said, in my already so confused head but on the outside, I smiled and went, rrrrrrrrr. Whew!  I mean who does that? Whatever happened to hey, Brook, nice to finally meet you? Or kiss the back of my hand, what the heck are you doing munching on my hand? You never even told me you were in to that. You had ample time to warn me about this, dang it!
Los Angeles, here I come! Or not, depending on what this weirdo has in store for me! Gosh, good things only, I hope! Happy birthday Jesus! He explained to me that there were no phones on the way, that’s why he didn’t call. Really? I wonder why there are no public phone every other traffic  light in The United States of America in 2012, mhhh! #wondering. He turned around, looked me in the eye and went, “could you have put on more perfume?” WHAT? Are you kidding me right now? Who says that to someone they just met? Ugh, #TurnOff
I was fighting really hard to find things I liked about the guy now that he was here, he was a real person, I was on the way to another county with him, I had to think of something. I had to make it work. We talked and talked, after the ice was broken, it wasn’t so bad in there.
I remember talking to him about hygiene, some time over the phone, he told me he recently had his teeth cleaned because he has dental insurance (tmi), the dentist gave him a new tooth brush, which was special in so many ways blah. When I saw the guy, his teeth didn’t look like he had had them cleaned in a minute (read: very long time). They looked like he brushed them, just maybe not that day or something. Man, how am I going to handle this! I love to kiss like any red blooded female out there but I refuse to kiss someone with teeth filled with tartar, no, I ain’t no teeth cleaner. What am I supposed to do with all that once it’s transferred from your mouth to mine? Come on dude, have some self respect! Mine were pure white, you know when you use the extra whitening toothpastes and then wear red lipstick. The right shade of red will make the whiteness of your teeth pop. And I don’t drink coffee, tea, wine or anything really. I pride myself in how nice and glossy and white my teeth are.
It was a nice drive to LA, short too. Must because we didn’t really go to LA. I saw, welcome to ORANGE COUNTY! I was so excited cos I’m such a real housewives fan! Gretchen is my favourite of the RHOC, mainly because she always tweets back J. I was so psyched to know I could possibly be in the same County as her, don’t judge me, I have my moments! We found nice parking and he went, ok, I want my kiss. I thought fck! Smiled and puckered up. Come on, I want more than that! Sht! I went for the one on tv. The dry, wet kiss. Smiled and rushed for the door. I was hungry too. He got out of the car and didn’t look that much different from the pictures, I guess poor thing gained weight in his face. He is tall! I still he had brushed his teeth one more time before embarking on his journey to moi!
We walked hand in hand to the restaurant. Perry who?
We found a table, the place was packed. He told me I was beautiful. You bet I am! Haha, I never said that, I would never say that. He ordered Rice and salmon, it was delish, a little pepperish. I had beef stroganoff, I wish it came with rice, but I had to have noodles with it. I hadn’t had Rice in a while, Perry didn’t know how to cook it, so we didn’t have any. El fed me from his plate, then had some of mine AND then he looked me in the eye and went, “next time let me order for you”. WTF!
After that, we drove around to the hotel where we asked me to wait for him in the car while he cheked in. WHAT? A hotel? I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT, he’s married to that sister woman! What an a** hole! What a waste of my time! He came out ages later, complaining about how racist those people are. At least the guy who helped him. Apparently he looked at him some kind of way (American English ;)) when he saw that he was with me. I was like but I wasn’t in there with you! How could he have known I am with you? I didn’t care, The guy was black by the way. We drove around the back of the hotel where our room was, parked, he carried my bags for me and we got in. It was freezing in orange county! We got settled. Anchorman, the movie was playing on tv, he seemed to enjoy that. He knew every line of the script. Not cool, El, not cool!
He asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I had to pass, it was cold outside, I was ok just chilling in the room and watching Anchorman. We had to pay extra for internet, he was willing to do it, but It wasn’t that important. We laid in bed and talked, just light stuff, nothing hectic. Until he dozed off and snored like I never heard anybody or animal snore before in my entire life. I jumped up, woke him up and was like, I think you’re uncomfortable, you’re snoring. He said, “oh yeah, I thought I told you about my snoring.” You told me you snore, but you didn’t tell me you snored like this! He told he meant to bring me ear plugs cos it’s really bad. Ya think? I stayed up while he snored the night away. He would alternate between snoring, actually, I should google it, I’m sure there’s a name for that noise. Between that and dying for a few seconds, literally stopping breathing and BOOM! Snore again, really loud! I would wake him up, tell him, I thought he died there for a second. He acted surprised, come on, you’re fifty years old and you don’t know that you die and reincarnate in your sleep! Don’t give me that!
The following morning, I was so freaked out about the whole sleep apnoea thing that I brought it up again. I asked if he ever saw someone about it. He told me he dated a woman who was a nurse, she made good money and wouldn’t buy him a certain watch he wanted. It’s not that he couldn’t afford the watch but he wanted her to buy it for him because of everything he had done for her.... I was thinking to myself, back on track El, why are we still sulking about the ex, let’s get back to the subject at hand, the sleep apnoea! Anyway, the nurse told him that it’s normal. Whatever! That’s not normal, trust me.
I went out for breakfast by myself while he was still in bed, he gave me money to go grab myself something because, “El sleeping! Sleeping El...” He kept saying that. So I thought not to disturb him, it’s not like he slept all night, snoring and kept me awake, right? Right! I grabbed breakfast, and went back to the hotel, it poured rain on my way back, good thing I had the jacket he had given me on. He had picked up from our conversations that I didn’t have warm, winter clothes. He then brought me a jacket that was too big on him (cos he was thin IN HIS HEAD). Anyway, I appreciated the gesture. He also brought me a cute suit case, carry on size, that was part of a set he had. He gave it to me and told me he wanted us to start having matching, good quality stuff, daddy wasn’t gonna let me walk around with the cheap luggage set I bought at Wal-Mart. He told me to take care of that and keep the receipts, he was going to return it, pay extra and buy me a better quality set from Sears. One of his back handed nice things to say. Part of that is sweet cos he is offering to do something nice (well, it’s potentially sweet, cos it’s still a promise, who knows if he’s going to deliver or not), another part is that he is dissing a set I bought myself, with my own hard earned cash at Wal Mart, you know what I mean? I feel like there’s always a better way to approach things than his way. Maybe it’s just me.
We had a busy day ahead, time to hit LA b*tches! I was so psyched :)