Saturday, March 21, 2015

Roach Attack!

Tortoise came to see me. He is so sweet, he brought me stuff for my new place.I guess it was a roof wetting or house warming party since the last time he was there,  remember,when he was brutally honest about his opinion of it? He brought me a nice and comfy rug, which I greatly needed. It's the comfiest rug you will ever own! It has memory foam.

It's bigger than it looks here. (that's what he said, haha)

Mhhh, perfect for my on and off (American translation: Off and on or On again, off again :)) heel spur; at least I didn't have rude awakenings every time I got out of bed. He also brought me stuff like Green tea, Apple Cider Vinegar, multivitamins and tons of bottled water oh and a nice pillow.

He heard me say that the one that came with the apartment wasn't doing the trick, he told me he had a spare one at his place. That was so thoughtful of him. I was humbled by his generosity.

That's everything, well some of the tings Tortoise brought me. Nice, huh?
One night, while sound asleep, I felt something taking a stroll right across my face. I was so tired, I slept with my mouth wide open, probably snoring. The thing felt gigantic! I hit it off my face, away from the mouth. Back off from the hole! Double you Tee Eff! I head the sound as it landed on the floor. F*ck me! What could this creature be that has invaded my new home? Am I safe here? Do I want to stay here or should I keep looking? I got out of bed, hoping not to step on it, or worse... bump into it! Sh*t, I don't know how big the thing was, or tall. It could be taller than me for all I know! I am not familiar with desert creatures. Plus, this is Vegas, What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, who know what had happened and what someone left behind, could this be what ended up on my face, headed for my mouth? I turned on the light, freaking out like hell! It was a gigantic Roach. The desert type. I'm not talking about a cockroach, the small ones that multiply in milliseconds, I mean the great-grandfather of that entire village of cockroaches.
After I murdered it a gazillion times.
I quickly grabbed the broom, I aimed, broom in hand, karate stance, eyes about to pop out of my head. The thing shot straight for me, Fuuuuuccckkkkk! I ducked and dove, and jumped onto the bed! God love my neighbors, they must have wondered 'the fck is that big mamma doing over there in the middle of the night. I'm tryna sleep damnit, I lost all my money in the casinos, I need to regroup.' My bad, yall! Roach Attack! I got on the bed and with broom still in hand and karate stance. I never wished I had a gun more in my life. I wanted to shoot the nerve to chase me around in my own home out of that sucker. I jumped back down, looked for the roach again. It went under my bed. NOOOOO! Not under the bed! How am I going to go back to sleep? I had to move the bed. Sorry neighbors! 

I finally got it and killed it a thousand times. I had to make completely sure it was dead! Then I killed it again!
Not for the faint at heart
Tort was nice enough to bring a gallon of bug spray along when he came to see me one time, he sprayed all over my place, after I told him about my horrendous ordeal. Sweet guy!

Tort brought his guitar and a bottle of wine when he came over. Did I mention he brought his own chair to sit on as well? Yup! A fold up chair, red in color. He set it up, moved sht around my apartment, opened up his guitar case, put it in the middle of the room, had his lyrics on there somewhere, opened up the bottle of wine. It was red velvet wine. I didn't know they made that flavor. Red Velvet is my favorite cake, I had mentioned this to him prior, I guess that's where the inspiration came from for the vino.

Unfortunately for him, I don't drink alcohol and to the surprise of everybody who knows me, I'm not drunk haha. He had to drink alone, my bad! He sang the blues while drinking his red velvet wine, strumming away on his blues guitar. It would have been nice if we were in a bigger space. My studio apartment was too small for that, the neighbors and landlord were too close for comfort. It was just not the time or place. I didn't expect him to show up with a 6 piece band and set up in my studio! He told him to sing backup, I guess we were rehearsing. Someone didn't get the memo (pointing at self).

After what felt like forever, Tort left, I gave him a hug, thanked him for everything and wished him well.














Monday, March 9, 2015

Vegas Wedding?



Hair before I washed the dye out
What is happening right now? Are we really gonna do this? I've only seen this guy in pictures, we haven't even talked on the phone. Not that anybody talks on the phone anymore. Phone calls are for telemarketers. I ran around in circles, talk about a headless chicken! I finally peeped through the window to see if he was really there. He was! He looked a tad bit shorter than he did in pictures. Ok, maybe a little more than a tad bit, he looks tall in pictures and is short in real life. There! I said it! But we've made a commitment, we're doing this, short guy or not. Who knew I of all people would marry a short guy? No offence to short guys but I like what I like.

I walked out the door with my hair still full of hair dye. I hadn't washed it yet. I hadn't got into the full swing of things in Vegas. I hadn't noticed how ashy I was getting, especially in the morning. I have no idea why, but I would wake up with my legs looking as white as snow, as if I hadn't applied any lotion the previous day after my shower. It's Vegas, baby! Welcome to the desert! I put on a random outfit because mama doesn't wear any clothes around the house. I walked out towards my future groom sssssllloooowwwllllyyyyy but ssuurreelly. At least it seemed like I was taking forever to get to him. I didn't know what he would think now that we are seeing each other in person. I wasn't looking my best, CLEARLY! I hadn't showered yet and my hair was in the process of getting done, but I didn't care. I wasn't self conscious or anything. Why should I? Take it or leave it!

He was like, "heeeeyyyy!" I was like, hiiiii, how are you? I can't believe you came! We chatted for a little bit. He asked me where I wanted to go, like, you know, to hang out. Hang out? The f*ck is this dude talking about? This is my wedding day, hotdamnit! I am not hanging out on my wedding day, are gonna do this or not? Haha. I asked him why he came? He told me he thought it was about time we finally met. I asked him what about the proposal. He said, 'Don't you think it's too soon to get married?' NO, I DON'T! CLEARLY, I DON'T. THAT'S WHY I SAID LET'S DO IT! DUH! He had this calm about him though, that made you just wanna hang round him and get to know him. He had this vibe that made me feel safe and that whether we got married that day or not, I was going to be his one and only. He is younger than me but is an old soul. Plus, he has blue eyes ;) I tried to hint that we should grow his hair but he can't. He's a security guard, he has to have his short and as I got to know him, I found out, he thinks he's a cop, so he does things as cops do, so hey! Meaning, not only am I settling for a short guy, I will also have to do without my long hair. Ain't life a bitch?

We sat on the side of the road and talked forever! My legs were getting ashier by the minute. I had to say something. You know when you're so self conscious about something, it's the only thing on your mind and you think that's all people see when they look at you? I didn't want this guy thinking I'm an ashy ass slob. I have dry skin, but goddamnit, I'm never ashy! They got worse when I sat on the pavement.
Notice the ash on my leg! I'm telling you, it was bad!
 I felt like I was six again. He's closer to six than my real age, so, in a weird way, it all worked out haha.

He offered to take me out for brunch but of course I wasn't ready for any of that. I needed to finish doing my hair! Ugh, I sound like a broken record! Eventually, I let him go. He was going to sleep. He worked nights. I, well, you know what I needed to do by now. #BrokenRecord. We had a mini photo-shoot outside my place on the bike before he left.







 went back to my place thinking to myself, 'what just happened?' As you may know by now, that is the story of my life. I constantly go through experiences that make me go, what just happened. It's not a good or bad thing, it's just a thing. He texted me when he got home that it was nice to meet me blah bah blah. He lived about three miles away from me (just under 5km). He said we should meet up again. He followed that text with a dick pic. I thought to myself, does this guy have split personality or what? WTF is going on here? This is not the same guy  I hung out with for two hours just now! I guess, like most people, he has guts when he's behind his phone screen. I told him if he didn't stop sending me his dick pics, I was going to block his ass. Or his dick, haha, whichever came first. #CockBlocking.

He would never apologise for sending these pics, he always had a 'valid' reason why he did it. He continued to text me about meeting up again in a few days. He was going to buy me a helmet and we were going to go on our date on the bike. He has a motorbike. I thought that was sweet, I told him to get me a pink one ;)   I was so excited, I was about to be a biker chick, even if just by association. Good Times, awaited! 

Charles had told me that he had been in a serious relationship before that lasted a year to a year and a half. I don't know how he didn't know exactly if it was a year or and a year and a half but I let that one slide. They had been broken up for, hey, who knows? Something or other. But they were broken up. Apparently, he cheated on him with another white guy. She was Blaxican, I think, (black + Mexican) or just black. I guess he wouldn't have had a problem if she had cheated on him with a black guy or any other race but white. He told me she wanted to get back together at some point, but he was so done. He hates cheats blah blah blah. Who doesn't?

He , like everyone else who lives in Vegas is originally from California. His family now lives in Colorado, he was alone in Vegas. He had a roommate who was in the process of moving out because he was behind on his rent. He told me he was excited, he was about to get his place back. I was like good for you! Whatevz.

As we were texting after he left, he, out of the blue told me that he was sorry, but he wouldn't be able to see me again, he was going to get back together with his ex. Apparently, she had just texted him and wanted to get back together, he wanted to give her another chance. He told me that we could be friends because he liked me. I thought to myself, dang, good thing we didn't get married that morning, shoot! I was new in Vegas, literally fresh off the boat. I could use friends but at the same time, Charlie was sketchy as f*ck, I don't want such people in my life. We can be husband and wife, but I'd be damned if I'm gonna be friends with such a shady character! I didn't know what to say when he broke the news about the ex to me. He also told me to call him if I needed anything, he knew I was new in town and didn't have a car. He told me he would drive me around if I needed a ride somewhere. I mean, what do you do with someone like that? It was a heck of a roller-coaster, I couldn't even begin to tell ya!

That afternoon, I needed to ship stuff I sold on eBay. Charlie offered to give me a ride to the store to get wrapping paper and to the post office. It was hot as heck outside, so I accepted the offer.
Half my outfit that afternoon. When he saw me, he was shocked at how well I cleaned up, haha. From Ashy to Classy
He came around and let me use the helmet. We rode to the store. On our arrival at the store, he told me that he had never had a passenger on his bike before. That made me nervous because with bikes, you wanna be extra careful. Here I am, weighing probably double what this guy weighs and I'm his first passenger, ever! Lord help me! I asked him to please drive slowly. Otherwise, I was totally ok with taking the bus. He offered to pay for me at the store. I let him. I needed something else from the 99 cents store. I wasn't embarrassed to go to the 99 cents store because the dude had already dumped me. What do I care? I ain't tryna impress someone who broke up with me on what was supposed to be our wedding day! He offered to pay over there as well. When he saw me eyeing this, he bought it for me...

Cute, right?
It's a memo pad set, envelops ad a pencil inside. He dropped me off at my place. No mention of the break up and the ex or the wedding, nor the dick pic for that matter. I just went with the flow too. 

When he got home, he continued to text me about the ex. They were going to meet up the following Monday, that was the day we had planned to go on our date. He came up with this brilliant plan that I could always go there as well. In fact, he said, why don't you and I go on our date that night, I won't tell him that our date is off, I will let her come there and find me sitting there with you? I was like, yeah, no, that's not gonna happen. What is this? The Jerry Springer show? F*ck you! You don't even know me, what kind of a ridiculous plan is this? He told me that if I wanted him, I should fight for him. I thought, poor thing, nobody ever fought for him, he's begging girls he met on the internet to fight for him. That's the only logical explanation why he would want me to fight for him.  I don't fight. I never do, he had the wrong girl! I was like, you know what dude. This thing with you and your ex is a joke, it's not gonna work, you had a chance to take me on a date, you just blew it. Good bye!
Charlie on his way home. Bye Felicia!


Just like that, he changed his mind, he told me he had already ordered my helmet online, he was going to receive it in a few days, let's still go out. Or we can go out day before his date with his ex, see if we get along, if not, he was going to get back with his ex, if we get along, he was going to cancel the date with his ex. I told him NO! I hadn't even made up my mind if I wanted him as a boyfriend (never mind that I wanted to marry him that morning, there's a difference :)), and he was gambling with me as if I was desperate to date his ass. By the end of it all, I was just so exhausted from the meeting that morning, to the nerve wrecking bike ride to the news about the ex, it was too much!