Get Out Of My House!

We would all looking forward to Husband going to work, at least I know I would. That way they would keep the arguments on text and via the phone as opposed to almost beating each other up, which was much much scarier. One afternoon, while home, he was asleep. Cindy thought it would be the perfect time for her to go through his texts on the Verizon website. She was still trying to find proof that he indeed paid the ex girlfriend for the ear rings. I remember going downstairs to find her engrossed on the computer screen. She told me what she was up to. I had my laptop with me, I was was job hunting and looking for a car online, so I thought I’d do that while chilling with her downstairs. Cindy couldn’t find the texts on the site, so she sought help from the Instant Chat Help service on the website. They were messaging back and forth when suddenly, the person on the other site logged off. I hardly sat down, Cindy was like, OMG, get up! WHAT? I think he’s up! He’s talking on the phone, get up! Leave the room, go go go! Errrrrrr... I didn’t waste anytime, confused as I was, I got up and walked back upstairs. He was on the phone upstairs explaining to someone how nobody else should have access to the account. He is loud, when he does something, anything, he likes for everybody around to know about it. Apparently, he was told at church not to show off when he prays. Cindy says they stopped asking him to pray. That bad! 

I was in the bedroom trying to figure out what had just happened. Turns out, Verizon called Husband. The account is under his name. Everything is under his name. I wish women would learn to have a thing or two under their names too in a marriage, relationship or just in general. If you’re paying for some of the bills, why are they not on your name?  Should push come to shove, you will never be able to prove you were the one paying for those bills if they were not under your name. Being in a committed relationship is cute and all but don’t let that mess with your logic! When I overheard Husband talking to someone about the account, it was with Verizon, he didn’t want Cindy having access to the account they are both paying for. None of my business. You could see the fear in Cindy’s eyes when she heard his voice. He went back to sleep. More tension was brewing in the house. You know they fought about that later on via text. He slept in lil one’s room, she, in the main bedroom. It had been that way since I moved in. Again, none of my business. I did hear husband say something along the lines of, Cindy didn’t do any of those things until I moved in. I must be one who influenced her. She doesn’t know the first thing about computers, I must have taught her how to manoeuvre it. I hate to burst your bubble boo, but not guilty! Not this time around! He once told me that when they first got married, he would leave for work and leave Cindy at home with lil one. Cindy wouldn’t move an inch, he would return after three days to find her right at home, where he left her. Later on, Cindy told me, she would leave the car in the garage, cos she know he marked where he left it, walk out the front door, take the bus and go to the casino, almost an hour away to have a good time! Or to the mall, or wherever and pretend she never left. So him assuming that I am an influence to his wife, please!

He left for work that night, he was usually gone for two to three nights. Cindy works 12 hour shifts, 6am-6pm a few days a week, alternate weekends off. The kid was with grandma most of the time, she was taking care of her. She turned 4 while I was there. The kid, not grandma haha J. That was another issue. Husband wanted lil one to start school. Cindy, wait for it..... kept forgetting to enquire about that! I just love how forgetful Cindy is. She forgets the very things regular people don’t forget. She needs to forget stuff like, whether or not her husband paid that woman for the ear rings, or pay that woman her money herself and then forget that she did, and move on. Just saying! Needless to say, the kid was still playing with grandma, born in America, talking with an African accent because she only hung around grandma who is African and us at home, all Africans. It was interesting to watch.

By the way, Word just crashed, I lost this document for a split second and was freaking out cos that would mean retyping everything, not a big fan of reruns! Thank goodness for Autorecovery!

Husband would come to me and be like, what do you think about Lil one not going to school at her age? She needs to learn to socialise with kids her age etc, he made valid points but my hands were tied. Cindy’s solution would be something along the lines of, or maybe you (me) can drop the kid off and pick her up from school. Uhm, what happens when I get a job? You need to discuss your stuff with your husband and come up with a solution together that doesn’t include a random person who is crashing in your spare bedroom looking for a job, dying to get the heck out of your unbelievably clean house! Come on now, even you can do better than that!

Husband got back home, he leaves for work at night, tenish, and comes home in the mornings. He got home, I heard them exchange words, then the argument became more and more heated. I was just like, you know what! Can’t deal! I was in my room, wishing I had an exit door straight from my room to the outside world. No such luck, Brook. Be grateful for a roof over your head. Which I was. Cindy was bathing the lil one when husband got home. She went back to the bathroom, husband was downstairs in the kitchen, they were still arguing! Words were flying from one room, through the staircase, to the next. Goodness me! On my way to get some drinking water (American think, they don’t just say water, they be like drinking water) in the kitchen, Cindy said something to me in Xhosa. I wish people would stop that, it’s uncomfortable! When there is someone around who doesn’t speak the language, let’s all communicate in a language we all understand! No matter, how ‘broken’ you think your English is, they will appreciate it. It’s common courtesy. I got to the kitchen, husband was like, what did my wife just say to you? I was like, you want me to tell YOU what she said to ME?  He was like, yes, what did she just say? I told him, that’s between she and I. Or you can go ask her what she said. He went, I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Judge Judy

Everybody was home when I arrived from my long walk to freedom. One of my sisters had just emailed that we should Skype looking forward to that. Soon as I walked in, Cindy asked me to make breakfast for everybody. I took my laptop to the kitchen, set it on the counter and skyped while I made branch. Husband was in his office working on the computer, his mom was around too. Cindy was upstairs cleaning. There was tension at home, I felt it as soon as I walked in. Glad I had the skype appointment, the last thing I needed was to walk into another dramatic situation right out of another one.

Grandma was busy in the garage sorting out stuff. She has stuff stored in Cindy’s garage. Later on, Husband took grandma to her place and went to bed. He was working that night. Cindy and I went downstairs to chill. We watched the murder shows and caught up. She and husband had an argument. They almost always argue when grandma is around or about grandma. Husband left for work that night.

I had been looking for work online the entire time. There is a shopping centre not too far from Cindy’s house, I dropped my resume there as well. One day, I got a call from a recruitment agency. Husband was off, he took me for the interview. I filled out a ton of forms and got the job. It was a Friday afternoon, I was to start the following Monday. I looked up directions to the place, it was going to take me three hours there, one way. I called them and turned the offer down. In as much as I was desperately looking for a job, I had to be practical. I wasn’t going to spend six hours on the road to do an eight hour job. I had to come up with a story as to what happened to the job to Cindy. I wasn’t going to tell her that I decided to turn down the job offer and was going to rather stay at her house and sponge off them a little longer. Even though that was not the intention, it probably would have come across that way to her.

On her off days, she took me to nursing homes to apply for work. A lot of these jobs require you to have a car. Even though they won’t need you to drive anywhere. It’s just a thing. Whenever we Cindy would take me to these places, she would also apply. Which automatically reduced my chances of getting the job by 50 % or even less because she has a car and way more experience. She had told me over and over again that she likes it where she works and has no intention of leaving, but she wouldn’t stop applying when I did. I didn’t get that!

Her supervisor has a second job in another nursing home, he referred her there, apparently they were hiring. We went and applied there. They gave us application forms which we took home. She had her friend submit them for us. Which I hope he did, I was willing to take them back myself by bus, bus she insisted. I didn’t want to be stubborn.

One afternoon, we were at the mall, almost an hour away from their house. Some of the stores had notes on the door that they were hiring, Cindy was like, why don’t you go try your luck over there. Uhm because if it’s an hour away by car, it’s going to be two to three hours by bus! I did. One of them, a perfume store, they told me to take the application back in person the following Monday when the boss would be in. That Monday, I was home alone, I took public transportation to the mall and submitted my resume (cv). They wouldn’t let me see the boss, even though that was the deal. Waste of my precious time, if you ask me, but whatevz. They told me  I would hear back from them.

On my way out, I saw massage chairs, a dollar for 3 minutes, I did 15 mins. Then took the last train out. I use google maps as my gps. I was meant to take a connecting bus halfway home. I got off the train and it was dark out! I ran towards the bus stop. A kind gentleman asked if I was waiting for the bus. I was. He told me that there were no more buses that time of the night. I was screwed. My Cellphone battery was dying. I got a text from Cindy asking where I was. I texted back and the phone died just before the text sent. Everybody had their own keys to the house, husband, Cindy and myself, so that wasn’t an issue. I didn’t have a curfew as far as I was concerned, so I was good. Not great, cos I was still stranded, but good.

I went to the nearest building, it was like a live in facility for veterans blah blah blah. That’s not why I was there J. I asked the receptionist for help charging my phone. He didn’t have a charger for my kind of phone. Crap! He was happy to let me use his phone to make a phone call, only thing is, I didn’t know Cindy’s number by heart. I had it on email cos I remember my sister emailed to me. I asked him if I could use his phone to access my emails. He did. Thank goodness for small favors! I couldn’t find the number.

He told me I didn’t live that far from where I was, I could walk. Yeah sure, if it wasn’t 9pm! Plus I wasn’t familiar with the area. I couldn’t call or ask anybody if I got lost, it wasn’t worth it. I was about to call a cab when he found a charger that fit my phone. I charged my phone, switched it on and found a whole lot of missed calls and texts from Cindy. That put me under more pressure than I already was. I didn’t know what she wanted from me so desperately. Apparently she was pissed at me because She was stuck outside the house and not able to get in. I don’t know what that had do with me. She wanted to know where I was. I told her, she was like, I’m on my way, I’ll come get you. Imagine if I had picked up lil one, we would be freezing outside now. I thought you would be home by now blah! I gave her the address. She drove around in circles, couldn’t find me, wasn’t picking up my calls nor responding to my texts. Twenty or so minutes later, I got hold of her. She was at home! I was like, I thought you were on your way here! She was like, I did come there, I didn’t see you. What’s the address. Great, I have to give her directions again, she had them on her whatsapp. This is not some random, hard to find place, especially not for somebody who has lived in the area for years. I was at the train station, right by the apartments she likes, she lived in that vicinity before.

Anyway, I went and stood outside waiting for her. She shot by fast, I was like omg, there she is again. I was walking on egg shells at that point because I didn’t get why she was in a bad mood. I hadn’t seen that side of hers before. I tried calling to tell her I was across the street, to wait for me, even though I knew she was going to have to come my way again to head towards the house. She didn’t pick up. Fck! Eventually, she saw me. I mean I was the only person in the streets in all of Utah after all. I got on the car and apologised profusely. No idea what about. I just wanted to clear the air.

I told her where I had been hoping she wouldn’t be mad anymore. I asked how her day was. She told me that she and her husband are having another one of those arguments. Aaaahhh, that’s why she was so pissed! She had forgotten her key at home. I think he took hers and she was supposed to take his, blah blah blah. She ended up taking the wrong keys with her. When she got home, she couldn’t get in. She couldn’t even get in via the garage because of blah blah blah. Hot mess. We hung out in the kitchen and she poured her heart out to me. She told me things about the relationship that were straight out of movie-type things. All kinds of abuse, arrests, homelessness, it was bad.

She was ready to get out of the marriage but she had her reasons why she wanted to stick it out a little longer. I have never been married, so I don’t know what it feels like in her shoes. From an outsider’s angle, I thought, the sooner, the better. I wasn’t gonna tell her what to do about her marriage and her life though. They were still texting back and forth, saying things to each other that shouldn’t be said. I told her to just switch off her phone because the longer she engaged in the argument, the more upset she was going to be. I felt so sorry for her. She was all alone, nobody else knows about the things that go on in her marriage, the family back home doesn’t even know where he is from, they don’t know the first thing about him. I told her that’s one of the things that is working against her. She needed to tell someone. She is alone in this country and he know it. Should anything happen to her, the family wouldn’t even know where to start investigating. God forbid!

We went to sleep in our respective rooms. Husband was out of town, working. I overheard her arguing him over the phone through the night. She hardly slept that night. I guess my advice about switching off the phone fell on deaf ears. The argument went on for days until husband came back home. They were still texting back and forth, even though they were both home. They hardly talked to each other. Nice people, both nice to me and the kid and everybody else but I hardly heard them talk to each other.

One day, while Cindy was at work, husband was like, do you notice that my wife never even says hi to me when she comes home from work? I was like, eh, uhm, er. Trying not to get involved. One Afternoon, they all came to my room and were like, “ok, Baba, you be the judge. My wife works with my ex, the woman who destroyed my life. She knows that woman hates her and yet she went and took ear rings from her on credit, she forgot to pay this woman. When the woman asked for the payment. My wife returned the ear rings. It was too late! The woman won’t take the ear rings back, she wants her money. My wife doesn’t want to pay her. I told my wife that she has to pay her, they had a deal. I told her over and over again not to have anything to do with this woman, but she never listens. I told her that if she doesn’t pay the woman, I will pay her myself, but the woman will get her payment! Am I right, Baba?” It was Cindy’s turn to speak. She told me how the woman was selling ear rings from Africa, she didn’t want to buy them but the Mexicans were making fun of her, she thought as a fellow black person, she is going to have her back and take ear rings from her, even if she is going to return them later. She forgot (you know Cindy, she’s very forgetful).” She didn’t want the ear rings and she hates the woman, she doesn’t want to support her business but she had to have her back in front of other races. Cindy refused to pay the woman. The woman wouldn’t take the ear rings back. This was after a month or so. I had to decide who was right or wrong. Why me L

Cindy was upset that her upset went behind her back and paid the woman, husband said he didn’t pay the woman. Cindy said the woman sent her a text saying Cindy’s husband had paid her. There was no way of proving who was lying between Husband and the Woman. Cindy was pissed that the husband didn’t have her back in this regard. I was just sitting them watching the back and forth of it all, wishing I could hide under a rock. Husband was talking over Cindy, Cindy was talking over husband. The lil one was yelling at the top of her voice. It was quite something!

Eventually, husband blamed me for taking Cindy’s side and was like what was he thinking asking me to be unbiased anyway, blah blah blah, and walked away, simply because I asked him to let Cindy finish talking and not talk over her because she had let him finish when it was his turn. Childish, if you ask me. 

The arguments didn’t stop there, they went on and on and on for days and weeks. While husband was at work, Cindy would tell me how she wants to put cameras around the house and film some of their arguments to use as evidence, just in case. I told her that was illegal but why not start with just the Cellphone recorder. That’s not gonna be as in your face putting cameras all over the house and getting busted. Do you know what she did? One day, in their heated arguments, she took out the phone, right in front of him and put it in between them and kept arguing. LMAO. Needless to say, he saw that and went berserk!

Gossip Girl

When I got home from the date, Lil one wanted to know if the guy with blue eyes was my boyfriend. I was like, nope, just a friend.

The missionaries kept coming to the house to teach me about the church and the book and all that. They are fun girls, I actually looked forward to spending time with them. There was going to be a baptism in one of the churches, they invited me to tag along. I was like sure, let’s do it! They picked me up. Well, they got a ride with someone from church, a nice, young girl, their age group. We drove for about thirty minutes to where the baptism was. Teary eyes, testimonies, blah blah blah, then food, then home. They always made an appointment to meet again at the end of every meeting with them, which totally beats showing up unannounced.

There was going to be some kind of a conference service, called Stake something. All the congregations in that neighbourhood (stake) were going to have one service in one of the bigger churches. Someone was going to give me a ride to church. I told them I would be totally fine. I could either walk, take the bus or a cab. They insisted. I didn’t know who was going to pick me up yet. I got all ready and heard a knock on the door. EXCUSE ME, MORMON, EVER HEARD OF A DOOR BELL? Why won’t these people ever use the door bell? I am passionate about this because here I am in someone’s house, the husband works shifts, and is trying to sleep because he is a truck driver, it’s not like he can catch a nap later on while working. When he is sleeping, we keep the noise levels down, then these Mormons rock up and bang the door. Not cool man, not cool at all!

It was Sr Rose, fck! Hi Sr Rose, thanks so much for the ride, how you doing? Hugs, blah blah blah! I didn’t know what to say to her in the care, she didn’t say anything either. Another awkward moment with the momons. We found parking space, she walked me all the way to the front in church, were her entire family, except the daughter with the boobs, was sitting. Awesome. I have to face that man again! Her husband. I sat between Rose and her youngest daughter with autism, she was busy on her iPad the entire time, she doens’t bother anybody, nobody bothers her, and Rose. Husband was sitting against the wall. He did suggest they all take me to the park that afternoon after church. Like I wanted to spend another moment with them, laughing and playing, oh heyll naw! I did agree though, because isn’t that what you do?

I had to go and ask how her daughter is doing, the other daughter, RD. It literally slipped out my mouth! ‘She’s fine, she’s fine! Did you like her?’ Really Rose? That’s the route you choose to go? Did I like her? Is that a normal question? Especially about a daughter you know fully well is unlikeable? I was like, well, uhm, ehm, err....

She looked me deep in the eye for what seemed like forever. I didn’t know what to do or say. Church soon began. I couldn’t focus. I was busy having a delayed reaction about the way her daughter had acted the previous Sunday at church. I was getting really pissed off. Her question about whether I liked her daughter made me fume more than I thought I could about that situation. I thought I had let it go! I was made at the entire religion at that point. I excused myself and went to the restroom, she offered to come with me! What? Are you kidding me? Am I back in Georgia, I know how to walk to a toilet, thank you very much! AKA leave me the fck alone, I am trying to take a breather from you people! She insisted, I insisted. She asked that I leave my handbag behind, I refused. That gave me an idea. Maybe I should go home! Her suspecting that I was leaving gave me an idea to leave, isn’t that ironic? I went to the restroom, texted back and forth with my niece, we both agreed, screw these people. I don’t need this. I left!

In Utah, Sundays are dedicated to church, the prophet, the book and all that is LDS. There are no buses operating. I was on such a high, I walked home. I didn’t care if anybody saw that I was leaving, I was done! D.O.N.E! I was on the phone and walking at my own pace, it was hot outside, I didn’t care. Ten minutes from the house, a man in a bicycle rode past me, slowed down and went, in a very creepy voice, ‘want a ride?’ It was Rose’s husband! Don’t ask me why he was on a bicycle and not with the rest of the family in the car. A few minutes later, Rose showed up. She stopped the car, got off and walked towards me. Then started tearing up! The fck is up with these people! Why are they so emotional?

Brook, I’m so sorry!

WHAT FOR?

You left!

I KNOW

I’m sorry!

FOR WHAT?

That you left!

I’M THE ONE WHO LEFT, MAYBE I AM THE ONE WHO SHOULD APOLOGISE, WHY ARE YOU APOLOGISING FOR MY LEAVING?

If there’s anything I did to upset you, that cause you to leave.

WHY DO YOU THINK IT WAS YOU?

Because after I talked to you, you left

PLEASE DON’T APOLOGISE IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE APOLOGISING FOR. I GOTTA GO

Can I offer you a ride

NAH, THANKS, I’M GOOD.

You know what pissed me so off about the whole thing is that I have a feeling she has an idea that her daughter and I didn’t get along quite well and yet we are tiptoeing around that. I hate that. So if we’re not gonna talk about that, leave me alone, let me walk the rest of the distance home. I had already walked for fifty minutes, another ten minutes was nothing really. She wanted to hug me, I was just like, I gotta go. I mean, why are we hugging? What’s going on? What exactly are we doing here?

I kinda brought up RD to the missionaries, on our next meeting. I just asked them what kind of person she is. They were like, oh yeah, we are so sorry we were not there that day, seems like we missed out. Everybody is talking about how you brought a guy to church and everything. Uhm, like and...what? They wouldn’t go into detail but they wanted me to. I told them, it’s cool, I don’t wanna be the girl who spread rumours. Water under the bridge. I did hope never to see that girl ever again though.

My Second First Date in Utah

Saturday Afternoon, I received  a call from Dan. We confirmed our Sunday, church date. I texted Sr Rose’s daughter to inform her that I wouldn’t need her to pick me up or meet me halfway before church because my friend was going to pick me up. Rose’s daughter is a student at one of the universities, she was visiting for the weekend otherwise she lives elsewhere. She has also been abroad on an LDS Mission.

Sunday morning came, I got ready and cute, waited for Dan, he was running a bit late. I heard a loud bang on the main door. It was him, the door bell is right by the door and he has my number. He couldn’t be normal and ring the door bell or call or text to say he was outside, he had to wake everybody up in the entire county of Salt Lake! I rushed downstairs, God forbid he becomes impatient and knocks again! When I opened the door, I was gobsmacked, dude is cuuuute! Sp much cuter in person. I couldn’t get over his eyes! Blue as blue can be!

We arrived at church, I was still interested in seeing how a church date was going to pan out. It didn’t help that we walked in late, the new girl and a random dude. Anyway, we sat next to each other. Somewhere along the line, it was time to testify, everybody was all teary eyed, I was thinking to myself, Lord, don’t let this man cry on this already strange date, I couldn’t stand it! He didn’t! Thank you stars! But he did get up unannounced and went to testify in front God, the church, Prophet Joseph Smith (that’s the main man of LDS, kinda like Jesus but not quite, they also believe in Christ), and the book! You have to say you believe in the book (of mormon). You know, I was sitting there thinking to myself, what am I doing here? Why am I in this church I know nothing about with this man, who randomly gets up and testifies. This is all new to me! I went with it though. Dan made some jokes, people were laughing. Hey, I’ll take that over crying anyday!

After church, he told me there would be meetings. He wanted us to go to all the meetings. Really? What is this? When are we gonna go on the date date? I had nothing against the whole church thing, just that if you tell me we are going on a date, I expect that at some point, we will get to spend time together, just you and I getting to know each other. Anyway, Rose’s Daughter (RD) came by, introduced herself (and her boobs, they came to play that day too!) to Dan and asked if I was ready to go to bible study. Dan was like, sure, let’s go! I needed to use the restroom (loo), so I asked her to direct me. Dan was like, we’ll come with you. They walked ahead of me, while I followed behind like a loyal dog, feeling ever so awkward. She was telling him about herself, everything there is to know. Mind you, these people don’t know each other!

I quickly went into the restroom, when I got back, she was like, yeah, I have a group in my neighbourhood of foreign whatever, blah blah blah, he was interested in attending, and seeing what it’s all about, they exchanged numbers. I was just like, this is too weird for my fcking liking, I’m ready to go home. Fck these people! I couldn’t show it though, it was me against the mormons. I had to be polite! She took us to this tiny room, where he father was waiting for us. As if the day couldn’t get any more awkward, her father is the bible study teacher. Awesome! Who all was in there, RD, her father, Dan and I. That’s it! Dan is very good at breaking the ice and just all round socialising. We were all talking and laughing, then it was the time to officially start. They asked him to open up with prayer. You know, where I come from, they would never ask a stranger to open up with prayer, it’s kinda like putting someone on the spot. Good thing he didn’t mind. He mentioned everybody by name and added, ‘and Brook’, when he said that, RD burst out laughing. I hoped I imagined that.

At the end of our hour long session, they asked yours truly to close in prayer. I was just like, this is just fantasticle, I’m supposed to be on a date, now I have to prove to this man that I can pray too, already! On our first date! #Mormonism. I did! There was going to be another meeting afterwards. Relief society. Don’t ask me relief from what. Walking to our respective rooms, women had their own thing and men had heirs, so Dan and I were going to split up. They were walking side by side again, I was running right behind them trying to catch up. They are both very tall. He asked her why she laughed when he said my name during his prayer. I thought to myself, glad I didn’t make that up in my head! She was like, ‘well, it’s how you said it. You could tell it was an after thought. That she’s like not important’ yeah! She said that! With me right behind her! The fck was that all about? I knew that girl was trouble, in fact, that entire family is weird. He was like, you know that’s not true, why would you say something like that? She was giggling and flirting, it would have been cute if it weren’t pathetic and fcking annoying.

I had to sit next to her in Relief society, not in the fcking mood, bro! But I did. She was looking at my shoes the entire time, I was thinking, I know they cute btch, what? What? Haha J They handed out hymn books, she got one, I didn’t. She took it upon herself to go, ‘does everybody have a hymn book? If not, it’s nobody’s fault you were sleeping’. I kept asking myself, why am I here again? They were like, oh Brook doesn’t have one, will you share with her? She said, sure! She didn’t, I didn’t give a fck, I didn’t give a fck about her, her family, the church, the prophet, the book, the golden plates, I could care less about any of that, I wanted the hell outta there. I felt like I was the new girl at school and she was bullying me, only I was never that girl at school and she’s like ten years younger than me. And we’re at church. She did ask me how I know Dan and how long we have known each other for. My answer was vague because it’s none of her business. Clearly she didn’t care about anything that may be going on between Dan and I.

After relief, which was an ironic name for something that was definitely not a relief, the only relieving thing about that was the ending. Dan came to get me. He had collected phone numbers from just about any and everybody in that church. RD offered me a ride, I was like, nah, I’m good, Dan has a car. Dan took me to my place, I wanted to get a sweater. It had cooled down out. Cindy’s husband was home, cooking. Of course, Dan was all chatty with husband, asking for the recipe of the meat cocktail husband was making, husband was about ready to invite him over for dinner. I was like, I’m ready, let’s go. I mean, let’s get this date thing over and done with, this is not a popularity contest!

He suggested we just hang out at the house instead. Uhm, whose house? You can’t just suggest to hang out at someone else’s house. This person is not even your friend, that’s weird. Come on now! I said, nah, I would rather we go out! The lil one was already all over him, they were having a cute conversation, it was nice to watch, she invited him over to her bedroom. He was like, in future don’t ever invite strangers to your bedroom, ok? It’s not safe. Which is true! I tell you there’s something about those blue eyes of Dan’s that make you wanna take him to your bedroom. Even a 3 yr old fell for him!

He told me that as a mormon, they don’t spend money on Sunday, so we were just gonna go to the park. Ok then cheapskate, let’s go to the park. Whatever, use your religion to your advantage and see if girls don’t see past that. He parked the car, we went for a walk and talked. It was really nice, he was flirtatious and touchy, we spent two to three hours at the park, then I was like you can take me home now. I didn’t want us to run out of things to say. I doubt we would have because we are both talkers, but just in case. He dropped me off and told me he would call when he got home. He texted me, and thanked me for my time, proposed we meet again and I never heard from him again.

Mormonism

Cindy and the lil one were waiting for me in the living room as I got home from the date with Paul. They wanted to hear all about it. I wasn't too comfortable talking about men in front of a three year old but who am I to depict how people should do things in their homes? When you don't have kids, you have to watch what you say to and about kids around their parents otherwise they will remind you that you don't have kids.

I may have told you that around every street corner in Utah, is a Mormon Church or LDS (from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint). Cindy and her husband are non active LDS members. She told me to join the church. My brother, who lives in Cape Town, South Africa is a mormon too.  Only other mormon I know, actually. Anyway, I was like, I'm in Utah, might as well do as the Utahans do, so first Sunday, I was there! The service was an hour long then I saw people leaving, so  I did too. When I got home, Cindy was like, oh, you're back? Uhm here, the church is out! No, it isn't, they have meetings after church. Those meetings are supposed to last for like the rest of the afternoon. I was like, this is gonna be fun, from not going to church at all to spending all day there! Quite an adjustment. More like a chore but ok, we'll give it a try.

She told me to call the church and ask that they show me around next time I'm there. See, I like to do my own thing, without people breathing over my neck, otherwise I get suffocated. I wanted to just go to church, stay if I want or don't if I don't feel like it. Cindy took over being my church guide and as soon as she did, I almost didn't feel like doing it anymore, plus if she's so passionate about church, how come she no longer goes?

The following Sunday, I made the short walk up the road to church. There were no cars in the parking lot  and the doors were locked. What? What kind of a church is this? I was raised catholic, my uncle A.Z. Brook was the Bishop of the Catholic Church, Umtata Diocese for the longest time. May his soul R.I.P. So I literally grew up in church. He was like a father to me, my own father passed on in 1988. They actually passed away on the same date and date, Monday, September the 5th. One in 1988 and the other in 2011. Anyway as far as I know the church doors are never locked, at least not in the day time, or is it me?

I went back home almost relieved that I didn't have to spend all day in there. Cindy was like, wha' happe'? (Madea's voice) I told her the place was locked. She told me they probably had a conference, she forgot to tell me about it. She is very forgetful, that Cindy! That afternoon, I sent an email via the LDS website with my mobile number and all that. I wanted to make an appointment with someone or something. I hardly hit the send button and there was a knock on the door. It was the Missionaries! The heyl! Two very lovely ladies in skirts with backpacks, had just got off their bicycles to see me. I was like, well, hi guys, I thought you would call to make an appointment. They told me how eager they are to do the work that as soon as they saw my address, they didn't bother to read the rest of the email, they were on the road.

I told them, well, here's the thing, this is not my place, I am crashing at a friend's place and would appreciate it if you wouldn't do this again. We sat and talked about everything, we got along like a house on fire. Cool people. One from California and the other from Washington State. We had an appointment for Wednesday, which was going to be my birthday, I agreed to meet them in the morning. April 10th. please make a mental note :)

Cindy was very pleased to hear about all that. She seems to be a proud member of the LDS. Only, actions speak louder, so.

I had been talking to a man online, we'll call him Dan. Dan had an interesting profile, at least to me. He was the my type so to speak, works in IT, (as a closeted geek myself, I'm into geeks), has traveled intensively, been to such places as Asia and Eastern Europe, he is tall, 6'2 (188cm almost 2metres), has long-ish hair, blue eyes, the works, he had me at hello! We exchanged emails, he sent me more pictures of his cute self. He is LDS, no surprises there. We are in Utah after all. He wanted to meet up one evening at 9. Inasmuch as I wanted to, I thought it was too late to meet someone you 'met' online, don't you? Especially for the first time. I had already done all my research on him. I always do that. I know I am a serial dater but I try my best to do a background check on everybody I am going to meet up with. That doesn't mean nothing will ever happen to me, but I try to cover my s as much as possible. He has a blog and is a published children's book writer, an athlete and all round intelligent dude who passed top of his class.

Wednesday came, I didn't have huge plans, I had only been in Salt Lake city for a couple of weeks. It was a beautiful, sunny day and for a change, they didn't leave the kid at home with me. Since I had moved in, they stopped dropping the lil one off at grandma's, who they were paying for daycare, they decided to just leave her at home with Baba (aka me) without actually discussing it with me. I don't mean to be a diva but if we agreed I should move in with you to I can look for a job, I kinda need to be out there looking for a job not babysit your kid who is busy kicking me out of your house every change she gets.

We spent an hour with the Missionaries, they were surprised that I knew basic bible stuff like Adam and Eve and St Peter And St John, you know stuff that everybody knows? I was like, these people'd better not come kid here, Ain't nobody got time for that! Soon as they left,I was out the door. I bought cake ingredients. My birthday is a week after Cindy's. Hers is on April 4th. I gave her a massage for her birthday after which she said the most famous, most annoying last lines; I should really go for a massage! Why do people do that? After I give them an amazing, free massage, they then wanna book for a paid massage with someone else, hellooooo, I'm a massage therapist! You wanna pay for a massage, even though I just gave you a free one, pay me! Book me!

I baked red velvet cake for my birthday. They all came home later that evening. We went to an African store to Husband's friend. He played some Brenda Fassie music, lil one and I danced to our heart's contents. My sis called to wish me a happy birthday. I went outside to take the call, lil one wouldn't leave me alone, I'm just like, can you get the child, I have to take this? It's like you're the nanny, if she's not with you, who do you want to take care of her! Ugh, anyway, she overheard part of the conversation and went back and told everybody it was my birthday. it was after 7pm already by then. They were like, oohhhh man, why didn't you remind us? We forgot! Uhm, let me think, why didn't I remind you? Oh yeah, because I'm not four! I'm not gonna force people to sing for me on my birthday. Plus it's not a big deal, people's priorities are different.

I asked Cindy what she thought of Dan wanting to meet up at 9pm, if she didn't think it was too late. She was like, go for it! I didn't. First, he wanted me to meet him at his place. I refused. Then he wanted us to meet halfway between his and mine. I told him I wasn't driving. Even if I were, I wouldn't have gone for that cheap tactic! Was he kidding me? I've never heard of such a thing! He told me he was going to be available on Sunday, he had just gotten a new job. He had only got back to the States a couple of weeks prior from abroad. I agreed to meet him on Sunday. He asked if I would mind going to church with him. Ah hem, say what nah? I was like, yeah, sure, of course! As you may guess, there's one up the road from me Why don't we go to the one in my neighborhood? She agreed. The plan was, he was going to pick me up from my place and go to church with me. I had been on a lot of dates, but that was a first!

A few days before Sunday, After Wednesday, the Missionaries took me to Temple Square. That's where there's the LDS Temple and a few other LDS buildings. You must realise the LDS owns Utah. They discovered this state way back when, when they were being kicked out of other states because they were believed to be a cult. That's my understanding of how the story went. Anyway, They own hospitals, schools, apartment blocks, malls, and just about everything in Utah. They couldn't take me to Temple Square on bicycles so they asked somebody from the church to take us. Sister Rose offered. She was nice to do that, but that's the thing about mormons, they will do anything for the church and the book (Book of Mormon, who's watched the movie, by the way? I feel like I should for the sake of Utah). We had a nice time at Temple Square, all the mormons be crying while we watched the videos about families and Christ and all that. With all due respect but I have never met a more emotional group of people in my life! Those people cry every Sunday at church, at all the meetings, I'm talking about men, women, children, the whole lot! Mine were the only dry eyes everywhere I went with them.

They introduced me to Missionaries from Asia and whoever else we met at Temple Square. After that, they took me home. Sr Rose took me to her house to meet her family. I had no choice, we were already on our way to her house when she told me about it. We went upstairs to the bedroom where everybody was, awkward! There they were, the father, three grown kids, playing TV games and watching TV. I shook everybody's hands, the father didn't even look me in the eye when we were introduced. The oldest daughter and  her cleavage were very nice. I mention the cleavage because Mormons are very conservative, it was refreshing to see that kind of dress code in a Mormon household. Rose asked her daughter to pick me up on Sunday and walk with me to church. We exchanged numbers. I was ready to get the h out of that house. I couldn't even take it anymore. I didn't need to be walked to a church I had already been so many time too. I felt like I was in Georgia all over again, where they never ever leave you alone!

As Sr Rose dropped me off, she invited me to dinner with that cold and uninviting family of hers. I politely declined. Plus i wasn't hungry. I wasn't gonna be hungry for years and years to come. At least to her :)

My First First Date in Utah

I had the date with Paul my second day in Utah. He worked half a day that day, so it worked out just fine. We met that afternoon after work. I was going to take the bus and meet him somewhere in public, Cindy told me to let him pick me up at the house. Lil one was home. I didn't want her exposed to all that. Plus, chances were very high nothing was going to come out of Paul and I. Cindy seemed eager to see Paul, so I was like, well alright! I'll have him pick me up here, which he did! I was still tired from the trip but I tried. I had a black dress on and not so high high heels on. I was the last one to see him. Cindy and the lil one were in the living room, peaking through the winders already #embarrassing. "Baba, is that your boyfriend, Baba?', asked Lil one. I was like, nope, he's not! #awkward

Paul got out of the car, oh my! He shook my hand and opened the door up for me. The smoke of cigarette! In all of my days, I had never smelt such an intense smell of cigarette in a closed space like that. And that for somebody who used to work in a bar and owned one before too! Yeah, my brother and I owned a bar aka tavern when we were teenagers, he had to quit drinking for us to make it work though, which he did. Story for another day!

He took me to a nice Mexican restaurant called Red Iguana. Apparently, it's so good, people come from all over the country to eat there. The food was divine! I had a little bit. and took the rest home. I didn't mean to do a Mae but I wasn't hungry. He sat across from me, his nose was running, the eyes are constantly tearing up, I think that's just his thing though, it had nothing to do with the spice in the food because, he was tearing up even when he picked me up, the mouth is watering, it was a hot mess of floods all over his face. I was ready to get outta there from the get go! It was packed too! He took his time and finished his food. While I was thinking of things to talk about. It was like pulling teeth. Nothing in common at all. That, by far, made my top three most awkward dates. And you know me, I go on a lot of first dates! The most awkward was with a man who used to message my sister online in Johannesburg. I finally agreed to meet up with him. He had been buying me juice for my phone (airtime) for months, I felt obliged to go out with him. Another story for another day!

Apparently, Paul knows the owner of the Iguana, in fact, everybody there knows him. They kept coming to say hi at the table. Really awkward, him and his teary eyes and running nose and all round wet face and me with my youth and my red lipstick. I did my best to channel the not a prostitute in me. I doubt that worked though. On our way out, the boss came in, he took me over to her and introduced me, Lawdy!

From the restaurant, he asked if I wanted to go anywhere in particular. I wish guys would plan the date before hand and not ask girls where they wanna go on a first date. What if I wanted to go to Vegas? You know! Anyway, He told me about a new mall in Salt Lake City, less than five years old, one of the most expensive malls in the country. Then he took me to the mall. Later on, when I got back home, I found out that's not the mall he told me about. He decided to take me to a small shopping centre and not to the one he was telling me about as we were driving to the mall. Anyway, I had a nice time there, besides all the times he was trying to hold my hand and  I kept keeping my hand occupied by either scratching where it wasn't itching or just fidgeting, anything not to hold hand with Paul. They have a Victoria's Secret store, right there in your face. I couldn't not go in, so I went! The last VS Store I went to was the first one I went to in Sand Diego with Perry. Paul was still trying to hold hands in the store, I was just like, oh heeeeyyyylll naw! As if it's not weird enough that I'm in here with you! I'm sure he needed a cigarette the entire time haha! Or a sniff in his car, which smelt stronger than one cigarette.

From the mall, he took me for a spin around Salt Lake City. It was very nice of him. Apparently, he was enjoying my company. Even though he hardly ever said anything the entire time we were together. I had to come up with things to talk about. He took me all the way to the Salt Lake, it's a huge lake, it reminded me of the salt dams or whatever as you enter Port Elizabeth from Grahamstown Direction. He took me home, thereafter. He dropped me in front of the house and gave me a hug. I made sure my mouth was as far away as possible. Just in case.

We exchanged a few texts thereafter but nothing could come of it. He was too serious on text but really had nothing to say to me in person and we had nothing in common. You can't be that old and have nothing to say. Tell me about your past, your life, your experiences, something, anything!