From Hell to Heaven

James and I spent the rest of the evening talking and laughing at his place. Later on, I went home to my darling Jon. He was always at home. Clearly, he never saw the part on my ad for roommate that said please have a job or school and a life. We didn't have internet. I paid extra to use my phone as a hotspot. That was just for me though because it is not the fastest. I would let him log on if he had something important to do on the net. Far as I'm concerned, it's not important enough if you're not going to pay for your own internet to do it but ok, have your sense of entitlement!

He would wait for me to get home and as soon as I got home, he would log on or if I didn't enable the hotspot thingy on my phone, he would walk around with a long face and be like, CAN YOU PLLLEEEEEESSEEE DO THE INTERNET THINGY, i NEED TO GO ONLINE! It's like what the heck, dude, you just wanna sext random men on that gay hookup site, who cares? I thought you said you had a job, why are you always home? Dang! 

I didn't see or hear from James again for a while. He has a life. That's the guy who should have roomed with me. Ugh! 

As time went on, the loneliness crept in again. I subscribed on the dating site. I got an email from a guy who lives about an hour away from LA. He seemed legit, in his early to mid forties, widowed, looking for a long term relationship. We emailed back and forth for a bit then he asked for my number. 

I saw an ad online where they were looking for people to participate in some kind of a weight loss research. I applied. We were going to get paid for participating. Score! This came about not long after my new friend, the one we went to the Queen Latifah show with, when we won tons of gifts? She gave me weightloss pills, it really bothered her that 'I am so beautiful, but so fat'. So I went along and took the pills. They made me really energetic, My eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my eyes, I think I was high or something. Maybe my pupils were dilated, who knows? I was bouncing off the walls, it was interesting.

I got accepted at the research thingy. Yay! They called me in for a physical check up and a ton of paperwork. I did all that, they weighed me and told me to get off the diet pills for two weeks and go back thereafter for another 'initial' weigh in. They told me that I would be disqualified if I gained more than 2lbs per week. That's less than 1kg! I knew I was going to watch what I eat and be careful in general, I wasn't going to let that opportunity pass me by. What I wasn't crazy about was that because that was research, they were going to put half the subjects on a placebo, half on the real weightloss pill and see who lost weight. I didn't wanna be on a placebo. I had real weight loss pills at home that were working just fine, dilated pupils at all. they got a pass cos they were going to pay me more than $3 000 after the six month period.

On my way home from the first appointment, I got a call from the guy I had been talking to online. We'll call him Rancho. He sounded better than he looked. I'm not saying he looked bad but he looked kinda nerdy, he sounded normal. We talked for an hour on the phone, it was nice. We seemed to have a few things in common. He told me he goes to Vegas quite often, I hadn't been to Vegas yet. He told me that he would take me. He also goes to San Francisco twice a year to shop. I was like oh no, that's in my list of to go places. He told me he would take me but first he needed to see if I liked him. I'm easy, I can like anyone, you should see the guys I've dated, sht, be nice to me, and I'm down. Be an asshole and I'm out, I won't even leave you a note goodbye. It's that simple.

We planned to meet the following day. He didn't care where we would go, I had to decide what we were going to do. I told him let's do lunch in Hollywood that way I wouldn't have to be in the car with him. I had learnt my lesson from being in a car with Persian Persuasion I still can't believe that man tried to rape me with his finger. You should have seen him trying to stick it in, trying to aim as much as possible. There I was ducking and diving and someone has a hang under my dress, trying to stick his finger in my private parts. Who does that? Rancho was ok with my idea. I told him we could go to the beach to chill after lunch. He was like, if the date goes well, I will take you to the beach, if not, I will take you home. Deal!  

I was excited to meet him. It's not everyday someone age appropriate wants to date me. We talked a little bit further and I was like screw it, let him pick me up, I'm not dressing up cute and taking the bus or worse, walking to the restaurant in the dusty streets of Hollywood. He came to pick me up that afternoon. I remember, I was on skype with my sister. I got ready while we were still chatting. He called to say he was going to be there in 40 mins, then he told me when he arrived. I was so nervous. I didn't know which wig to wear, if at all. Oh my goodness! My sister and I agreed on outfit. She logged off as I was about to walk out the apartment.

He told me he was driving a white car, he was out front. I rushed over there. No white car! He had driven around the block, there was no parking in front of our block, he told me to wait for him. I did, ever so nervous. He came around, man! I'm not materialistic but, NICE CAR! He looks so much cuter in person. I got even more nervous. I thought the guy was a geeky nerdy person who works on computers and x-boxes 24/7.  I got in the car. He wouldn't look me in the eye. I thought, great, he is not interested. Awesome, we're gonna have a short date, then he will dump me back here. Oh well, at least I tried. I was even thinking of being like, you know what? Er, I gotta go back. See ya later! Bye! I put my big girl panties on and rolled with it! He took me to Red lobster far away. I couldn't tell ya where that place is. 

He seemed nervous too as we went along, the drive to the restaurant was about 30  minutes. I ordered a mixed platter with shrimp, calamari and some veggies. Everything was deep fried, including the veggies. Have you ever seen broccoli drenched in oil? Well... He ordered steamed shrimp and I can't remember what else. He offered me some of his food. That was nice cos mine was inedible. We talked about general stuff. Very platonic. Nothing date like. I could tell he wasn't into me like that. He was just trying to kill time. 

He was married for 13 years or so. His wife died last year. They never had kids, he has a daughter with an ex girlfriend. Daughter has her own family now, she lives in a different state. Rancho's mom doesn't live that far from him. He had an IT job offer in Japan but forwent it to be close to his elderly mom. He is very close to his family. He also has a sister. Older. He was going to go for dinner with his mom that very evening. After lunch, I used the restroom and got ready for the long drive home. We walked to the car. He opened the door for me, we had what could be mistaken for a moment there for a second but we had spent enough time together that I could tell, we were not that couple. As we were driving off the parking lot, he asked me which beach I wanted to go to. I couldn't believe it! OMG! He likes me! He really, really likes me! (in that Sally Field voice). 

I didn't care which beach we went to, I was happy to have been wrong about him and I. I knew he was interested when he put his hand on my knee on our way to the beach. We arrived at seal beach. He didn't want me to walk on the sand and bring it into his car cos he had washed it that morning. I was like why did you bring me here then? smdh. We sat in the car and watched the sun set and talked. It was nice. After that, he was like, ok, come on, let's go. We went for a short walk towards the beach and watched more sunset. It got dark quickly. Not creepy dark, it was just after sunset after all. He came closer, gave me a nice hug and may or may not have rest his head on my chest. It was a nice moment though, not creepy. Trust me, I know creepy, I've been through creepy, I recognise her when I see her. 

We walked back to the car. We talked for a second, he hugged me and stole a kiss. Nothing more than a peck on the lips aka baby kiss. It was all a welcome surprise as I didn't think any of that was going to be happening that evening. It was a nice change to the last date I had been on where I left flying barefoot smdh. 

Rancho dropped me off, he was rushing to meet up with his mother at 8pm. He called me on his way home. We talked until he got home. His mom was too tired from church, she cancelled. We talked on the phone the entire night until we went to bed around 2 the following morning. 

Date Rape?

So after Russian Roulette Challenged me to go on 100 dates, I went back on the internet and registered with all the dating sites I know of and posted an ad. I got a ton of responses from middle aged men. One of them was a Persian man who  now lives in Southern California. He seemed like the real deal. We exchanged email addresses within house and in no time, exchanged phone numbers. I, of course, googled his ass and found that he is a Dentist from Iran, he was divorced blah blah blah. I got his address and everything. I didn't tell him I had done that because I do that for myself to verify if someone if who they say they are.

We met that very evening. Daddy was moving fast! I like it! That evening, I got ready, he picked me up in a limo. I didn't see that one coming. I mean, it's a Limo, even Stevie Wonder would've seen it coming, but you know what I mean. He looked nice, nice, expensive fitted suit. It looked so good on him, like it was custom made. He shook my hand and opened the back door for me. THAT was something I had never experienced before. I have dated Spotty, who had a limo but not once did he let me sit in the back seat. Anyway, he asked me where I wanted to go to eat. I was like, let's have seafood. We had already talked about that. apparently he lived in Hollywood before, so he was quite familiar with the area. He took me to West Hollywood, everywhere was packed.

He asked if  I like Pizza. I toldhim I don't mind it, but am not particularly crazy about it. He told me he was going to suggest we go to his house, he would make me one from scratch. I was like no, no houses. I don't go to your house and you don't come to mine. Not on the first meeting. He said, ok, the offer is open, whenever you want me to cook for you, you're welcome at my house. I thought that was nice.

 We went to Westwood. He took me to an Iranian restaurant. I ordered Rice with salmon. It came in a huge ass platter, five generous pieces of Fish, and some veggies. He had eggplant/aubergine/brinjal lol  I just love how this veggie has three different names. I think Brinjal is only South African though. I could be wrong. anyway. I had one piece of salmon and drank water. I wasn't at all that hungry. He told me I could take the rest home. He asked them for a takeout container, dished the rice onto, then the fish, asked for butter in Iranian. They brought it for him, he opened up the small tubs, buttered the fish. that was random, what if i didn't want butter on the fish? I decided to be easy going and not question him about that. He got the tab, then we left. He put the food in the front seat with him. I sat at the back. It was a cold January night. southern Californian cold. He asked if I wanted ice cream from a Persian place across the street. I was down!

We walked over there, he got me a sandwich type ice cream. Passion fruit / granadilla. He wasn't going to have any. He asked if I wanted to sit in the car or in the ice cream place. It was cold! I was like sure let's sit in the car. I thought it would also be a nice chance for us to talk, we had hardly talked the entire time. I was the one asking the questions. We walked to the car, he opened the back door for me. I got in, he got into the driver's side, drove of. I was like, WAIT A MINUTE!  Where are we going? He told me, to his place. He wanted me to be comfortable. I was like but we talked about this, we are not going to your place. He told me that we were not going to be long, he just wanted me not to spill Ice cream in his car. the car was moving. His house is like two streets away from the restaurants and a block away from UCLA. He has a daughter who goes to UCLA. I saw that when doing my research.

We arrived at the place. We got to the apartment. He told me his daughter went to a friend's birthday party. It's a small, two bedroom apartment. As soon as we got there, he cut the ice cream sandwich in half, and served it to me with a fork and a very sharp looking knife. Not before we took off our shoes though. I guess it's one of those houses. He sat next to me and reached for a hug. There was no reason to hug at all. We hadn't talked much, we didn't know that much about each other, we didn't have any particular connection, it was all too random, but what was I to do? I hugged him back and went back to my ice cream. I couldn't tell you what the ice cream tasted like. Soon after the hug, he asked me when I am going to give him a massage. He had told me before while we were still out that he likes massages, this is after I told him what I used to do in south Africa for a living. He showed me a place he goes to for massages with happy endings. He asked if I give happy endings. That was the only time he actually seemed to talk freely. When we were talking about happy endings. I told him I didn't go to school for massage to give happy endings. That's a different kind of massage field. He was like come on, that's the only reason people go for massages. Happy endings.

When he asked him for a massage, I told him, it's only our first date, I am not touching him and don't expect him to touch me. He reached behind me and unhooked my bra in a split second. I was shocked. I was like WTF? Before I could finish saying that, his fingers were squeezing my nipples.  I guess he was trying to turn me on quickly before I had time to feel violated. I gain WHAT THE F*CK? I pushed his hands off me, he quickly snuck his hands under my dress all the way up to the back of my bra to 'hook it back up'. he told me, 'you have to pay!' I was like, for what? In retrospect, I think he wanted me to pay for the piece of salmon I ate from the dinner he later put in a doggy bag and took home to eat later. By the way, the leftover dinner, he bagged for me to take home earlier? He put it in his fridge when we got to the apartment.

That man was all over me! I kept looking at that very sharp knife at the coffee table in front of me, trying to figure out how to save myself using it. Everything was moving really fast. I jumped up, headed for the bathroom, locked myself in there, took a deep breath looked myself in the eye in the mirror, you know wondering if that was really happening. I fixed myself up then ran past him, grabbed my shoes and was like, I'm out mutha f*cker! He came after me, told me to wait for him, he would take me home. I waited for him outside the apartment. It was late, cold, dark, I had never been in that neighborhood before, that was the least of my worries though because I have gps. I am always going to places I had never been before. He came out, we walked to the car. This time, he didn't open the door for me. I didn't give a fck.

He drove like a maniac. The strangest thing happened on that ride home. I couldn't keep my eyes open. Who dozes off with a monster in a car? I swear that guy must have sprinkled something in that Ice cream sandwich that was meant to work while I was still at his place but I left too soon. he dropped me off a block away from my place. I didn't care, I was glad to be the hell out of there and away from him. He didn't utter a word in the care on the ride home. Neither did I. Well, I was busy trying to stay awake

James Bond

When we got home, James invited me over to his for a night cap. Soon as we got to his, he was like omg, it's so stuffy in here, he opened up windows, turned on the fan, sprayed air freshener, took out the garbage. It was cute to see him act so nervous.  That is so something I would do. We hung out for an hour or two on his bed then I went home.

He told me to pop in anytime to say hi or for a visit. I hope he knew he was opening up a can of worms by doing so! I ran upstairs to mine. My roomie was asleep. He goes to bed around 8pm, wakes up around 1am, heads out and will be back around 4am sometimes. It's a very interesting schedule. Especially because we were sharing a studio.He would come home, open up windows, turn on ceiling fan, all the lights and maybe open the door as well, just for the hell of it. I would wake up with my nostrils completely dry. You know, I don't want to complain to him and be that person but why can't he be that person and not do all this in the middle of the night? I get walking into a stuffy room and wanting to open up the windows, from my experience using mini buses in South Africa, I know that after a minute, you will have adjusted and get mad at the person who gets on and opens up the window. But I was open to him opening the window only for a few minutes. He wouldn't do that. He would go straight to bed, with the hope that he would get up and shut everything again but then, he was so tired, he would just go to sleep. Now without taking a shower though. That guy would take 3 showers per day. Pretty impressive.

Jon was a hairstylist, self employed. He seemed to do all his work at night though. He told me that usually after cutting someone's hair, he would join them in the shower and they would have 'fun'. I am assuming his clients were mainly gay. Not that I care. Interestingly enough, he would go home afterwards and take another shower. I wasn't paying for water or lights, so it didn't affect my finances in any way. I just found it interesting that someone who wouldn't clean up after himself or brush the toilet after doing a number two or even flush sometimes, would shower so many times a day as if he's a neat freak.

In the time I roomed with Jon, I ate TV Dinners, you know the boxed, precooked dinners and lunches? 3 minutes in the microwave and you're done! Maybe  I should go back to that! Life was much simpler then :)

Jon is vegetarian, very health conscious, very West Hollywood. He loves tea though, he lives on it. It was cute how he always made tea in a teapot on the stove. Very unusual for someone like me who neither drinks tea nor coffee. Nor Alcohol for that matter. I should be a mormon!

One afternoon, I got a call from James, he was just saying hi. He was on his way home. He asked if I wanted to hang out. I mean! Is that a rhetorical question? Of course I wanna hang out! We love James!

This wasn't long after I got my huge can of Caramel and Cheese Popcorn shipped to my place by the Queen Latifah Show. I tell ya the gifts were never ending. I was always receiving something in the mail. I bet ya the office must have been wondering about me. I offered Jon some popcorn, he would have some all hours of day and night. I tell ya, dude would wake up in the middle of the night, smoke weed, get himself hungry from that and munch on my special, expensive popcorn. I ain't kidding, the can was worth $80 (that R800 for popcorn). Even if it was cheap, know your boundaries, if someone offers you something, don't have half. This is not an in community of property type of rooming arrangement. GTFOH! I gave some to my friend, Julie and took some with me to James' when he invited me over.

He was so grateful. He kept saying, 'aw, you're so sweet.' I was thinking, so whatchu gonna do about it? ;)

He had been trying to buy some furniture online for his new apartment. Apparently he heard back from this couple of ladies in Studio City. He had to go pick it up. He asked if I wanted to go along. I was in my pyjamas. It didn't matter because he was driving. I went along with him. I love going on drives, it's always been my thing. One of the things I miss about having a car, gassing it up and hitting the open road. This was in the evening, no traffic. Yay!

When we got there, the ladies asked if we were a couple. My heart beat really fast when they did. James and I smiled, looked at each other and went 'no!' in unison. The girls helped us load the table and chairs on the truck. We drove back to hollywood. When we were in the car, James was like, can you believe they just asked if we are a couple? I was like uhm, hehehe. I didn't know what to do with that question, then I rambled about a time where I was with this guy who liked me on Hollywood and Vine. I wanted to take a picture on the walk of fame, he offered to take it for me but then someone offered to take a picture of both of us and I was like, nah, thanks we're good! I went on to tell him another story about a man who complimented that same guy and I about how cute a couple we looked (we didn't) and told the guy he has good taste. Guy didn't correct the man, he just thanked him for the compliment. This man is engaged, he lives with his woman.I don't know why he is collecting compliments about him and I. Anyway, we lost the moment due to my ramblings. I was nervous! What was I to say?

When we got back home, I helped him carry the stuff to his place. James was like, oh no you don't have to. I'm like, come on! How you gon carry all this stuff by yourself and still be able to hold the door open? #Superman When we got home, he set everything up, cleaned it and was like, we need to test drive this! I'm making dinner. I was like, ok, but I'm leaving, so bye! Enjoy dinner. He kept telling me to stay,so I did

James Made dinner, He had left over brown rice, he made a toasted chicken sandwich, some salad and the rice and he gave me some gluten free, everything free, vegan fruit juice from Whole Foods. It was great. He is such a gracious host! He kept getting up to get stuff to make me feel comfortable. I was like, sit down and eat, your food is gonna get cold! He's adorable. And hot.

After dinner, I tried to leave. He told me to stay a little longer. We talked about everything under the sun, relationships, Hollywood, you name it. He sat on the bed, I was at the table. He told me to sit on the bed with him. It's comfier, so I did.

Russian Roulette

Day after I accepted the money from Jon, the new roommate. The other guy texted to find out if the place was still available. I told him it was taken. Turns out, he would have taken it!

One of the guys who came to view was part French, part Spanish, part LordKnowsWhat, cute as hell. He was a tad bit taller than me. He also had a nice vibe about me. He was my first choice. Unfortunately, he had a few other places to view before making a commitment. He sat on the spare bed, we got to know each other a little bit. I was mesmerised by his beauty. He has long-ish hair, just the right length, green/hazel eyes and the most amazing skin. You know how hot mixed people are! I texted him the following day, he still had one more place to view. He texted me later on, telling me he found a place. He went with a studio that turned out to be in my apartment building. 'We are neighbors! You should come over for coffee or something!' He said. I had mixed feelings about that. I have a hot neighbor, yay to that! But then, I was screwed cos I just lost what could have been an amazing roommate. #ItIsWhatItIs

As you well know, I found a roommate, Jon. He happens to be from the same town Handsome is from. Five hours away from Los Angeles. I told Handsome this, we'll call him James. He was excited, he wanted to meet him. I told Jon this, he was like, 'I think I have reached the limit of straight guys. I don't need to meet any more straight guys!' Awkward. I even tried to get Jon to share some of his weed with James. He was like, man, you must like this guy, weed is expensive, I'm not sharing it with some guy, just cos you wanna bone him. That wasn't the case, I am not the girl for meaningless sex. Meaningless what? Sex? What's that? At this point, I don't even know what that is and how it's performed. I hope it's just like riding a bicycle - Mind you, I don't know how to ride a bicycle. No pun intended.

James and I chatted for the first few days until he settled in. Then the conversation fizzled. I think we mutually forgot about each other. I kept going to TV shows. Judge Judy, who I adore. If you watch the show, you may have seen me on some of the episodes, Dr Phil, Arsenio Hall, Queen Latifah, Chelsea Lately, to name a few and a whole bunch of sitcoms. I saw and met a lot of celebs I have watched over the years over there. One who sticks out is the black guy from Felicity and Scrubs, Donald Faison, Seth Green, Nick Lachey (Jessica Simpson's ex hubby)'s wife, Vanessa Lachey, she is a tv host. I got to talk to her, she loved my big, afro hair. Gorgeous girl, but I'm team Jessica All the way. What can I say? I love her shoes and bags, nail polishes etc. Don't judge me, I shop at Ross!

One morning, After having been with one casting network for almost a month and not having been booked the entire month by them, I saw a notice for a rush call. A rush call is when they need people on set within an hour of sending out the notice. They had a phone number in the email which I called. They booked me on the spot. It paid good too. I was excited. the shoot was an hour away. I jumped into the showed and rushed out the door. It was for a commercial. I got there nice and early but not as early as he hundreds of people who got there before me. No electronics, please leave them in your car. Sure, will do! Only, I don't have a car! They kept preaching how they were not kidding, they would kick us out of we were caught with cellphones on us. Sht. I went and kid mine where the sun don't shine. Use your imagination!

I went back to the line looking ever so guilty. I needed my cell and I wasn't going to hide it under a random tree or a rock and break it. Plus, I didn't know anyone on set that day even though there were hundreds of people. Eventually, I cracked up a conversation with some girl who is 'one of the few original LAers' Like I care. I'm an original African 'American', so what? Anyway, I guess she is proud of that. She told me that they had very strict security, they found cellphones in people's crotches and shoes the previous day and they kicked them away. Sht! They're definitely going to find mine. I need this gig and I need to keep working with these people. She told me I could just tell the staff that I took the bus, they would hold my cell for me. Turns out a lot of people did that. For some reason, the lady forgot to mention that when she was busy threatening us about getting fired. I left my phone with them #whew

They searched us thoroughly and put us on buses to a secret location. That location was The Santa Monica Airport. There were 1 300 of us, I was told. Count em! That's a lot of freaking people! We got into some hall, they did sound check. Some people had already been there the previous day. It was a three day shoot. An Italian girl I was standing next to had been there the previous day. She asked if I knew who was performing. I was like performing? I thought this was a commercial! She was like yeah, that's what they tell everyone but it's a secret, so you can't tell anyone on social media or anything like that. It's Youtube. I was like Youtube? Yeah, Youtube! Ah ok. I guess she meant it was a Youtube commercial.

We were there for what could have been an hour when a short guy with glasses came onto the stage. I was asking myself, who is this short man with attitude, could it be Pitbull? I looked closely, OMG It's Bono from U2! (Youtube, get it? Damn Italian Accent!). I was so excited, my day couldn't get any better. We got to hang out with Oprah's friend, what! When the people around me saw how excited I was, they told me I could move closer to the stage, they didn't mind, they had been there the previous day. They all but a couple who made out the entire day, didn't mind. So I got to watch U2 sing and that couple make out all day long. all in a day's work! U2 was doing a video of their song Invisible. By the end of the day, we all knew the lyrics to it haha. Check it out on youtube and know that I was there :). It officially debuted during the Superbowl so it was a big deal, hence the secrecy.

He had this swing like mic that he would hold onto and swing towards the crowd, when he did, I made sure to spank his ass haha. When he got back on stage, he said, I felt something in my ass. I was like that was me boo haha. I got to spank him a few times. I am not not gonna touch Bono in what could be my only chance of doing so, sorry. I've come too far not to take advantage of that. It was an awesome day, they fed us good, there were bagels and coffee (which I don't drink), snacks, fruit and warm lunch. They did good for a company that was feeding more than a thousand people.

Lunch time, we all went out. I had my lunch, then on my way to get a piece of fruit, a really cute guy came to me looking ever so excited! He game me a hug, I knew I must have died and gone to heaven. Listen, I am pretty lucky in general but not that lucky! I blinked hard, to see if I was dreaming and realised, I wasn't. It was James! Dude is fine as hell! It's the kind of beauty you don't get used to. He was booked for the same gig! I knew he was an actor but I mean, I didn't expect to see him there. It was nice to see him. He asked how I got there. By bus of course. He drives so he offered to give me a ride that night. I told him not to wait up because there were so many people there, we could lose each other and I didn't want him waiting forever for me. I could just take the bus back. He told me where he was parked. He was going to wait for me for ten minutes from wrap up time, then leave. That was the deal.

I went back in after lunch, his group was sitting outside. It was freezing cold. January, still winter. They had heaters though, so they were well taken care of.

We wrapped up around ten pm. It was a very long day. Call time was around 6am. During lunch, I met a nice Russian lady. We got on like a house on fire. We ended up hanging out together inside, talking about all kinds of things, and men. She told me I have to go out on 100 dates before I find the one. She challenged me to go on all the dating sites I could think off and search, search, search. If I did, she told me, I could get married by the end of 2014. Not one to back down for a challenge, I went, YOU'RE ON, BTCH!

That night, Russian Roulette and I went out. She has  a car but everyone is packed by the beach where we were supposed to meet up in the morning, they were going to take us back there in buses. That's where I was going to meet James. They had our cellphones. We had to wait in line forever. Well, I waited in line while Russian Roulette was collecting all the left over food, sticking it in huge bags that she had brought with her. I was so embarrassed for her. I turned a blind eye. What was I gonna do? As soon as I got my cellphone back, an hour after we wrapped, I already knew James must have left, I just wanted to call and tell him, I would be fine. The bus from Santa Monica to Downtown LA, via Hollywood operates 24/7. I was going to be ok. As soon as I turned my phone on, he called. He had left me messages telling me he was waiting for me. I wasn't sure what time he had left them because, well, my phone isn't that cool. It only shows the time you turn the phone as the time the message came through, that's it.

I took the call, he told me he was still waiting for me. This was more than an hour and a half after we finished up. He was the first group to leave, I felt so bad that he had to wait for me. It was very nice of him. Of course, I was the last one to get dropped off. Murphy's Law. He had heated up the car, it was nice and warm inside. It was much colder outside, it being midnight and right by the beach and all. I got on the car and couldn't help but stare at him. I thought to myself, maybe I could follow him to his room and thank him 'properly'...

Gonorrhea Treatment

New year, no issues! Time to find a roommate, FAST! I had posted an advert on Craig's list almost as soon as I moved in but people were busy with the festive season. I hoped that when everyone was back in town, people would wanna come over and check the place. They did indeed. Some were contacting me from out of town, they wanted to move two months from the time the ad was up. I couldn't wait that long, plus why would you wait for someone who hasn't even viewed the place?What it they had a few places lined up for them?

A number of people came to view my place. It's in Hollywood, so when the out of towners come to see it, they expect it to look like the movies. They want it to look like Beverly Hills, Hollywood Hills or Malibu, sorry boo. Just Hollywood! The very first guy who came to view was from Texas, he had only moved to Los Angeles the previous night. I met him at the main entrance of the apartment, he was so scared, he was shaking. I asked if he was ok, he told me, 'This is not what I expected'. You would swear the guy just saw a ghost. Dramatic Much? He told me he googled the neighborhood, apparently a few blocks down the street from me, is a very dangerous neighborhood, Lemon something. According him. I assume he meant Lemon Grove. He told me never to go there and also told me to move out of my place ASAP. I was like, what are you talking about? I just moved here last week! I'm not moving out!

A few more people were that way, they looked at West Hollywood, which is more towards Beverly Hills and a much more expensive part of Hollywood and expect this to look like that and yet they want to pay the price I am charging. You get what you pay for boo. Why don't you move to WeHo then if you're to fancy for my neighborhood? Shoot! A few people were interested but had a few other places to view. A lot of those were looking for their own bedrooms. Mine was a studio to share. EVERYONE who came to view my place was male! Where my female roommates at? Gees! A guy named Jon (that's what we'll call him), emailed me, he was  a 38/39 year old gay male, blah blah blah. I was interested because, no offence to my gays but he was the closest I could get to a female and the age group was matured so I was hopeful. He came over the following day to view, liked the place. He uses public transportation, we have a bust stop right by the apartment so that was a plus. He was moving from not too far from my place anyway, so he is familiar with Hollywood, he is gay, so he knows West Hollywood AKA the Gayest part of Lost Angeles. He told me he was going to arrange for someone to move him. He would pay me then as well. Oh and when he got here, either his perfume smells very strong or he had been drinking. We're still awaiting verdict on that.

While he was here, he told me about his life, his family, his friends, his then rooming situation. He lived in a two bedroom apartment where there were two people per room, so there were four of them in total in the house. His roommate wasn't talking to him. He was being a jerk blah blah blah. Not to everyone out there: When you meet someone you are hoping to have any kind of a relationship with, leave out the negative! Don't tell them about the mean people who will no longer talk to you or your Aunt Rose who is such a bitch, you had to hit in the head with a pot. Ain't nobody wanna hear that! It makes people's guards go up, they can't help but wonder if you are not the one with a problem. Some will use that against you in future when you have an argument.

Jon would then text me that evening, telling me what he's up to and with him. Don't you just love it when someone refers to people you don't know by name as if you know exactly who that is? He texted me for the following two days. No word as to whether or not he was still coming. He was just talking about himself and his life. I had to ask him what the deal was, was he still interested or not? I kept the ad up. I couldn't just assume I had found someone without him having paid yet, right? Another guy came over to view, he seemed to have liked the place, we clicked, it was great. He was going to sleep on it and let me know the following day if he was going to take it. On his way out, Jon came by to pay. I was over the whole thing of having to be available to show the place, I wanted my life back. I took the payment, gave him his keys, and we were good to go. He took a few more days to move in. He couldn't get hold of his friend who was going to move him. He was planning on sneaking out of his roommates. Apparently, he didn't pay deposit there, so he could just leave without them owing anything. I wanted some kind of security deposit. It wasn't much, just a little. He paid me that. He told me that they were about to get kicked out of the old place. Apparently, some of them were not paying, so they were in trouble. The notice for eviction in 7 days was pushed under the door while Jon was home alone. He stole it. He wanted them to get a surprise of their lives when they got kicked out. I thought that was malicious but then again, I don't know the back story so I just thought to myself, I had to be careful about the guy, he had  a mean streak.

He had a ton of stuff! Bag upon bag, upon bag! He had a nice pair of boots that was supposedly special so he thought that had to go on top of the microwave which itself is on top of the fridge. I was like, yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. He wanted the microwave, which he doesn't use because he is all about being green and saving the planet, in the bedroom, right next to my bed. I was like, I don't think that's gonna roll. What exactly are we doing here? Shoes in the kitchen and microwaves in bedrooms?

He unpacked some of his stuff and left the rest in suitcases in front of his bed. I ain't kidding ya when I say the dude had a lot of stuff. He told me that wasn't everything, he had some at all his friend's places. We got along fine, we had tons of laughs and long chats about Hollywood and men. He is also a transplant from five hours away. He had been here for a while though.

He is on a gay hook up app called Scruff. He met a lot of men there. We would always have someone new to talk about.

Did I mention that just after he moved in, he told me that he was talking treatment for Gonorrhea? Apparently he got it from someone who gave him head at a club. You know how it got to someone's throat right? Can the church say eeeewwwwwww! Of course, I ran and bout all kinds of disinfectants, anti-bacterial this and anti-viral that. I don't know if gonorrhea is contagious and how but I wasn't gonna take a chance. The only person I know who had gonorrhea (untreated) is now mentally disturbed. Apparently, he cured his STD successfully. Without spreading it to me, might I add. He told me that he learnt his lesson, he had been a slut and was done with all that. That was a wake up call for him to only be getting his first std at that age. He was so terrified, he even called and told his very conservative father. Haha, poor parents. #awkward

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

After being so done with Speedy, I headed to my new place. He had asked me why I was moving out so early, I had a few more days before January 1st. I was like, bye!

I settled in at my new place, walked around naked just cos I could. It's way out of my budget, so I was going to have to find a roommate. That was the bummer. I did enjoy the last few days of 2013 in my apartment by myself, eating take outs (take aways) though. I slept in the dark, without anyone watching the telly while I was asleep or smoking weed in my presence, it was the perfect ending to a crazy year. That was my eighth move in 2013. I was tired yall! Exhausted.

Julie came over a few times to 'see' me. This is what happens when she comes over for a 'visit'. She calls to find out if  I am home, then tells me she was thinking of dropping by because she hadn't seen me in a while, then she comes over, sits on the floor (she likes that. I'm ok with it if she is), then she asks to check her emails on my computer because they don't have internet at hers. I pay for mine, it's not something the US government unfairly gives to some people and doesn't give to others, so all they have to do, she and her man is to pay for it too. Especially seeing as she lives with her man and a roommate. Everyone in there has a job, clearly they can afford a few dollars for the internet. If I can afford it, they surely can. Anyway, I will give her the laptop and let her do her thing. After checking her emails, she will ask to check her messages on Facebook because some people don't have her number, so they message her over there. Fair enough, I let her. Usually, when she comes over, I would normally be in the middle of doing something on the computer, so I have to stop doing what I am doing, because she 'missed' me. She would then hang out on facebook, trying to multitask, she would ask me about my day, etc, and go on to chat with her friends while I answer, leaving me talking to myself, cos nobody can multitask that much. You can't have two conversations with separate people at the same time. I don't care how good a multitasker you are. 

If I as much as walk out or go to the loo (restroom), I will come back to find her quickly checking the history of websites I have visited on the net. One day, I found her looking at my pictures, which are located elsewhere on the computer, not on the net, which is what she had asked to use. Or I will come back to find her trying to quickly upload pictures on facebook, then she will quickly pull out the memory stick, when I walk in. It's kinda weird. I don't know why you would want to know what I do on my computer, and why would you want to look at my pictures in my absence, the joy in looking at someone's pictures is having them there giving you the back story of the picture. Unless you are looking to find that which the other person doesn't want you to see. Well, that's a whole another story. And I think that's what she was trying to do.

If I tell her about a guy I met online, she would ask to see a picture, when I browse through the pictures on my phone to show her the guy, she is so focused on the pictures, she would be like, what's that? Who's that? Like, if she sees a little bit of skin, maybe a guy sent me a shirtless picture. I would show her quickly, and then go back to what I was doing and eventually show her the person I was talking about. She would take the phone, browse through, and not even look at the person I was showing her. The person whose picture SHE had asked to see. B!tch don't browse through my sh!t! That's not cool. You don't do that.

I bit my tongue the first few times until I couldn't take it any more. My internet is very slow when it comes to watching videos, so I would spend the day buffering a few episodes of whatever show I would be watching at the time and then, enjoy them later when I am done doing whatever I was doing. She came over one night, I had about four episodes I had buffered that day. I asked her not to close the browser. When she was done, she logged off, she always made sure to log off, she would even come back from having left to make double sure she logged off. That from someone who snoops through my sht when I'm gone. Get your own internet and you won't have to worry about logging off! Anyway, that night, when she was done, she logged off facebook and yahoo and closed the browser. I lost everything! I was so mad! I was like, did you just close the browser! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! that's what she does when you have a conversation with her, she's not listening to what you're saying. She just goes yeah! A lot of people do that here, that's why I keep conversations light. Nobody cares, they just wanna talk about themselves. When you talk, they are thinking of what to say next about themselves. The moment you shut up, even mid sentence, the blurt out something about themselves. They will tell you the same story over and over than listen to what you have to say. I had to repeat myself and asked her again if she closed the browser after I had asked her nicely not to. She was like oh, oh! Sorry gurl! I am so sorry! I explained why it was a big deal to me. She may think I was being petty but then I think they are petty for not getting their own internet, what I do on mine is my business, don't invite yourself to my place and judge me! GTFOH!

After that day, she came one more time, spent three hours on the internet while I watched her enjoy herself not knowing what to do with my hands. She was on TMZ and other celebrity blogs that she found from browsing my history. I had to ask her if what she was doing was urgent because I gave her the computer to check her messages, I myself haven't had a chance to look at the blogs because I was looking for jobs, but now I am having to sit and watch her live the life while I have things to do on the computer. If you are here as my friend because you missed me (which is impossible because you don't even know me like that. You never ask me anything about myself or listen when I talk, so not only do you not know me, you are not interested in getting to know me), why do you spend all your time here on the internet? Clearly, that's what you came here for!

After the second confrontation, she never came back to my place. I was so relieved, good riddance! I got to enjoy the comfort of my new place. PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB! 

She would call, ask what I am up to, then tell me she is on her way to the internet cafe. I guess she was trying to make me feel guilty. Do you think I felt guilty? No prizes for guessing! She had previously told me that she didn't want to use the free internet at the library, she didn't like the vibe over there and didn't want to pay at internet cafes just to use the internet. She and her boyfriend had wifi before. They stole it from someone in the neighborhood, when that person found out, they changed login details, so they were no longer able to steal it. I thought it was ballsy of her to tell me she didn't want to do those things to get internet but then come use mine which I pay for. Maybe I'm full of sht but I don't get some people's thinking processes. Or maybe I'm slow. 

I had a new friend who I met at Chelsea Lately. We'll call her Jessie. She is South American, nice girl, who could either be 20 or 40, the jury is still out on her age. Don't ask, don't tell. She is obsessed with wanting me to lose weight. She tells me I have a beautiful face but I have to lose weight. She's like if I were to lose weight my life would change dramatically, I would get more acting gigs, find a hot boyfriend etc etc. Er duh! You think I don't know that? That's what makes it that much harder to lose weight. The pressure of it all. She told me she had great diet pills at her house, she wanted me to use them. They guarantee a loo of 1lb (500grams) per week. I didn't believe that but what did I have to lose but weight, right? 

She kept forgetting to take them with her when we met up, so I offered to go get them at her place, she agreed. I walked over there, big mistake! It wasn't as close as I had anticipated. It was like an hour's walk or something. In the heat, good thing I had my umbrella with me. I was still in high spirits over my new place so nothing could bring me down. It was the end of one of the craziest years for me, so I was excited and looking forward to 2014. I arrived at her place, which she shares with her husband. I love her husband, he is hilarious. I met him at the taping of the Queen Latifah show where we all won laptops? Remember the friends who gave me a ride home? This is them. We hung out at her cute place, she made lunch, Peruvian! We drank Peruvian soda, it was nice! I had a nice time with her. She told me some of the craziest stories I have ever heard, and I've heard some crazy stories! We laughed, we cried, fun times all around. I must have been there for 5 hours or so, when her husband got home. That was my cue to go home. He didn't stay, he had forgotten his bicycle on the bus, so he went back to get that at the depot. I stuck around a little longer, then eventually left. By the time I left, the trains (subway) was free for a few hours. Free rides for all, new Year's special to prevent New Year's eve Traffic jams. I took the subway to Julie's. She had called and wanted to spend New Year's eve together. I wasn't up for it, I thought, I'd go with them a happy day and go home. I was ready for bed, chile, I'm old! 

When I arrived, she came to get me at the main entrance of her block, she lives right on Hollywood Boulevard, nice apartment block, with two swimming pools. She is the one whose at whose house we spent Christmas Day. She was all dressed up, she had done her hair and all. I was like, whoa, where are you off to? The musician that she had over at hers on Christmas had a party at his friend's, she was ready to go there with her boyfriend. She asked me to go with them. I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like being in another party with people I don't know ho were highly likely going to be drunk and stoned and it's NYE, people are going to make out at midnight. I've already gone through all that at Christmas, I was ready to have a nice and relaxed NYE. I politely declined. Her boyfriend wasn't about to leave the house either. So she ended up not going after all. I felt sorry for her. Boyfriend's friends, who are a couple, dropped by just before midnight. Speed was texting me, telling me I was right. How do  I know these things, why is it that I am always right? He was sucking up, needing attention. He didn't want to be alone at midnight, he wanted to be in the midst of a conversation with me. I wasn't going to be in the midst of a conversation with him at midnight, so I stopped texting. He was telling me that he did have that girl, the ex move in after I moved out. They did have sex. Whoop defreaking doo! Then she left him and went back to her boyfriend that she had had a fight with. Does it look like I care? Obviously not! I told him, I was no longer his roommate, I didn't have to listen to any of that anymore. It is what it is, happy new year boo! 

After midnight, I headed home. Julie walked me to the station. We stood there and talked a bit, people watched. There were people everywhere! It looked like it could be daytime. Some people were crying over the stars of their favorite celebrities on the walk of fame. Michael Jackson's fans put lit candles on his star, it was cute and sad. I got home, talked to my family and went to bed early hours of 2014. Goodbye 2013, hello 2014!