Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Happy New Year!


El was in such high spirits after I gave him all the money I had in my wallet and then withdrew some from the ATM for him. He could care less! On our way back to San Diego, we drove past Disney Land. That was a nice surprise! I didn’t see that one coming, I took a few pictures. We didn’t stop though. The atmosphere was awkward in the car, only from my side though, partner here, couldn’t be bothered. He was glad he was going to buy his cart. He even made me call the lady to ask if it were still available. She didn’t pick up. I had to keep trying and trying. It’s like, dude, c’mon! First of all WTF? Where is your shame? Why do you have to keep pushing? Why don’t you have your own phone? Gosh!
We got stuck in Traffic forever. What should have taken us 2 hours, took us 7. I didn’t feel sorry for him one bit. I wasn’t in no rush, he had to work the following day, oh well, too bad, too sad. That’s what happens when you weird people out. We finally got hold of the lady, she gave us her address, El doesn’t have GPS in the car, I used my blackberry and we all know how much power GPS drains from the battery. We barely made it to the lady’s house and the thing died. The lady tried to make small talk asking where we were from etc, El gave her all the wrong information. I still don’t know why he did that, I never bothered to ask.
From there, we battled getting back to Perry’s. It was dark, we both didn’t know where we were. El was getting frustrated and started driving like a maniac. That was not how I wanted to die! I tried to calm him down, which I think made him feel like the Main Man and act up even more. I resorted to prayer. I said a never ending silent prayer. We finally made it, after stopping at a few gas stations (garages)  for directions. He dropped me off around the corner from the house. Kiss and good bye. He had another Two hours to drive back to LA, hopefully, without traffic. He made it! No traffic!
We stayed in touch, my time at Perry’s was running, remember the infamous 30 day notice he had given me? Yup! I was pressed for time! I was even thinking of going back to the East Coast. My Jamaican friend, who is such a sweetheart, told me her house was open for me whenever I needed a place to stay. I hope I never have to take her up on the offer though. She’s a good friend and I don’t want to mess it up by us living together. Well, she has a live-in position, she’s always at work, I would be alone at the apartment, but still. NO!
Perry, and I were still cordial towards one another. This one time, she told me I must be bored sitting in the house, all the time, he offered to drop me off at walmart. Oh Gosh , not another one of those forced trips to the mall again L. I didn’t want to argue, I just went along. He told me to take my time, blah blah blah. It’s walmart! What am I supposed to do in there? Buy more luggage sets that Elvis was going to diss?
He dropped me off and off he went, he was going to see a client, and had a few other errands he had to run. He didn’t have his Cellphone with him, so no matter what, I had to wait until he was back home for me to call him to come pick me up. He wanted to make sure I was going to be gone a while. I wandered about aimlessly trying to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I was sad. Sad someone could be that mean for no reason. He was lying, I wasn’t at the house all the time. I spent more time at the library than at the house. Anything to stay away from him. It had been raining those few days, so I wasn’t going to walk 30 mins one way to the library in the rain to use the internet which we had at the house. I went to the Dollar Tree (just like the 99 Cents store, only you pay a cent more), got myself some snacks and walked up the street to a park I saw on our way to Wal-Mart. People kept complimenting me on my boots, which was nice cos it put a smile on my face. If only they knew. I got to the park and found a spot with a bit of sunshine and had a little picnic for one. It was cold. I called my Jamaican friend, we talked on the phone for a while, then I walked around some more, then back to Wal-Mart. By the way, before Perry drove off, he wound down the window and told me to buy a few things for the house while at WAl-Mart. Someone drives you to the store without your consent, then forces you to buy groceries, what the heck’s wrong with this picture? I asked what he wanted me to buy I already had a list of things I was going to get for the house but he’s so smart, he told himself that I’m that useless. Even though everything I used in the use, I bought myself. It boggles my mind why people can never acknowledge the things I  (I’ll speak for myself) do. They act like you’re just sponging off them, when you don’t. So annoying! Anyway, he was like, “butter, coffee, bread, sugar, creamer......” I told him I have all those things on my list, anything else? Mind you, majority of those things are for him. I don’t drink warm beverages, he’s the coffee person, using a Coffee machine I bought him with my own money my first week there because The Ex took theirs, he was the one who was going to drink the coffee, with the creamer and sugar. I don’t use sugar and I don’t like eggs etc. But I humoured him, I even bought treats for his dogs.
When he came to pick me up, I had a cart (trolley) full of stuff, he got out, helped me. Then felt bad and told me I didn’t have to spend so much. Uhm, I did! This was all your idea Jass A**. One minute I am spending money on Elvis, the next on Perry, can a sista get a break? He was in such high spirits when we got back to the house. I wasn’t. Not really! I went straight to my room and talked to El on the phone for ever and felt better. He told me that he wanted to spend New Year’s together, he was then going to buy me a luggage set and give me my money back. I could’ve told him not to worry about refunding me but I wanted to see if he meant it. Even though I had already wrote the money off, I was going to learn a lot about him from whether he was going to pay me back or not.
Closer to New Year’s El got his work Schedule and he was going to be working that day and on New Year’s Day. He told me, I could take the train to LA, he was going to refund me. Yeah sure! I believed him. NOT. Plus, I wasn’t about to travel all the way to LA in hopes that he was going to pick me up at Union Station, he doesn’t have a Cellphone, I mean he has a landline, but what good is that? It’s a magic Jack, it only works when the computer is turned on. I didn’t really know where he lived, so what would’ve my backup plan been had he not shown up? I wasn’t willing to risk it.
I used to go for walks or go to the library and just tell Perry, I was going for a walk. When he, out of the blue mentioned the he knew I was seeing someone. I blatantly refused it, just for the heck of it!
Me:        What on earth would possess you to assume such a preposterous thing?
Him:       Well you went away for a few days around Christmas.
Me:        I went to the library.
Him:       Dressed like that?
Me:        Yup, why not? It was Christmas day!
Him:       But you stayed overnight?
Me:        So? It was a Christmas day special!
Him:       you’re messing with me
Me:        What about you? Are you seeing someone, Perry?
Him:       Who? Me? What? Why, Whaaat? Why are you asking me that?
Me:        hahahahaaaaaa
The dog’s had a birthday, well, their birthday’s are a day apart. One was adopted, so they just picked a random date as her birthday. Perry got an email from The Vet wishing one of the Dog’s a happy birthday, that’s how he remembered. He told me how the dogs love birthdays. We quickly went to Wal-Mart to get stuff for the party. We were going all out. I was excited, something different, you know? We got German Cake mix, Lots of meat, Perry told me how much the dogs love meat and cake, especially on their birthday, because, somehow, they know! Great! Let’s do it!
I was so hungry, I got us some chicken wings and potato wedges while in there, yumness! He got fire wood and all, it was gonna be a party up in there!
We got to the house, he started the fire (I can’t help think of Billy Joe’s song, we didn’t start the fire typing this J), and started baking.  It was dark and cold in San Diego that night. He played music outside, the dogs were hanging out by him as they always do. I remember Perry gave me a piece of meat to sample, The dogs were all over me like white on rice, I gave them both small pieces. He was like, “don’t give the dogs any meat! This meat is for us. They’re not getting any of it?” I was like, what in the heck is going on here? I thought this was the dogs’ party, how come we get to eat all their stuff, this can’t be fair! He asked me if I thought he went all the way to the store and went through all that trouble for dogs? He loved them bug not that much, I guess. He had told me they also love cake, but they got none of that. You bet I snuck them some when he wasn’t watching ;) 
New year’s eve came, Perry was invited over to his Rich Friend/ Partner’s Mansion for a barbecue (braai). He didn’t really want to go, he wasn’t feeling well, he had a lot of work blah blah blah, Go! Just go! Nobody wants to spend New Year’s eve with you! Get out of here! I said it more politely, of course. We went to Walmart, he bought me Red velvet cake mix and Oven Pizza. He knows how domesticated I am, He knew I wasn’t going to cook, so he got me easy to fix stuff. You should’ve seen him work me through how to prepare everything, even though they all had directions on the box, sweet J
He packed an overnight bag and was out. I couldn’t wait! That month, I’d been obsessively watching Serial Killer Documentaries (and Friends). I brought the dogs inside the house, locked up and watched Some Scary stuff. There’s this one, he was Italian, they couldn’t prove he was the murderer so they had to film him. I remember watching a real video of him stalk a woman in the bushes. It was in broad daylight! He parked his car, and “went for a walk” in some deserted park/bushes. This woman was walking through the area, serial killer dude, hid behind trees and literally stocked him. The thought that she wasn’t aware that someone was out there planning to kill her creeped the living daylights out of me! He had what looked like a laptop bag with him with a change of clothes. More like his murder kit, balaclava, gloves, etc. Anyway, my point is, when I saw that, got up to get some water from the kitchen and saw the Canyon which was literally out back yard, I died! I was like, what if there’s someone out there coming for me. If I looked close enough, I could see him, I tell you! It was too late to talk to anyone back home, in South Africa, so I had to suck it up. There are no blinds or curtains at the back, facing the canyon. Gosh, what to do! What to do! I brought the dogs in my bedroom, I was so convinced I was going to be serially killed that night haha. I don’t even scare easily! Do you think I stopped watching? The more scared I got, the more thrilling the shows were, I wasn’t about to stop!The dog started barking non stop, I could swear it knew something. All of a sudden, I got all superstition, I remembered how they said bitches (or female dogs ) can tell when there’s a bad spirit around, oh Lordy. How I wished those dogs could talk that night! In fact, it wasn’t even night time yet, it must have been around four in the afternoon but it was so quiet!
Early evening, I baked my red velvet and pizza and had some for dinner with the dogs ;)
I finally changed channels and watched Friends cos I was killing myself. Later on, El got off work, he called me. We stayed on the phone until the New Year. It was lovely!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Getting Mugged in LA


After the Universal Studios Tour, we were both nice and hungry. He told me he wanted to take me to his favourite burger place ever. I didn’t care what, where, why or when, I was up for it! We drove through the city, and stopped at Original tommy’s Burger place. El was raving about the place, I couldn’t wait to try the burgers out. He told me to wait in the car while he went to grab us some. He brought back two Double doubles (double cheese, double patties), fries, their fries, OMG! He also brought us choc chip cookies, we had soda in the car. We sat in the car in the parking lot, eating and talking. He was telling me stories of how he grew up and more stories on the sister. It was a nice way to end such an amazing day. It was cold outside, you could tell it was winter, even though, it was warm all through the day. Tommy’s burgers are to die for, he was right! You can google them, they are listed amongst the best burgers in LA.
From there, we headed back to the hotel. So when we checked out from the hotel that morning, he went to the office and complained about the “racist incident”. Whether that really happened or not, well, the jury is still out on that. They gave him a voucher to use at any of their chain hotels. He brought it back with him, together with a huge smile on his face. I didn’t know how I felt about that. This white man crying racism, accusing a black man for it, something about it just wasn’t sitting right with me. His voucher had the name Matthew on it. As we drove off, I noticed that, and asked him if his other name was Matthew. He told me it wasn’t. I was like then how are you going to claim this voucher if it has somebody else’s name on it. He told me not to worry about it. He would sort it out. OK then, we had just pulled off, he could just make a U-Turn and have it fixed once and for all. Anyway, that night, nice and full from Tommy’s Burgers, we went to get more soda, and drove around LA some more. We also drove past his apartment block, it was nice that he showed it to me, but what would have been nicer would have been to be invited in. Seeing as I was already in LA, but I didn’t want to be pushy. It’s downtown LA, less than a minute away from Staples Centre. You know, where they always have big Basketball games and stuff, also near the Nokia theatre #surreal
We went to a different location of the same hotel, he told me to wait in the car while he was checking us in. After waiting forever, he came back sad faced and told me they couldn’t accept the voucher because, you guessed it! IT HAD A WRONG NAME on it! Duh! Rocket Science? I think not! He asked if I would mind if he were to take me back to San Diego that night. That was really weird. I didn’t know how to take that. I mean I’m not going to tell this man that I don’t want to go home, I wanna spend one more night with him. Who does that? But at the same time, what??????? It was after ten pm. We had planned to spend two night together. What the heck was going on? What if that guy hadn’t been racist? How would he have paid for the second night? I knew something was fishy from the beginning. I hope that his racist accusations didn’t lose that poor man his job. Anyway, I told him to do whatever he wanted, what was I going to say? He apologised profusely and then drove around some more. Talk about ruining the moment!
He asked me to google something on my phone, I couldn’t because my phone battery had died during my photo spree at the Studios earlier on. He should have had his own Cellphone. How does this guy not see that a Cellphone is necessary at this day in age? We found a hotel, he went in, paid and checked us in. He told me he was going to fight those people for his voucher. Do you think I cared? No prizes for guessing. I was ready to lay down. Remember, I hadn’t had enough sleep the night before from his snoring. Shower, bed, snoring, no sleep for me once more, AWESOME! I dozed on and off and was so ready for morning.
Remember, he had promised to buy me a nice suitcase set and return my cheap walmart one? The night before, I had posted something on Facebook about the Tommy’s burgers we had , one of my Facebook friends, told me to try out In ‘n Out burgers as well. I mentioned that to Elvis, he told me it was in the cards, so that’s where we went for branch the following morning. You can google that too, it’s also in the top burger places in LA. They were great! The fries weren’t as addictive as Tommy’s.  I paid for the burgers. We went to the 99 cents store and grabbed a few things, some snacks for the road and tons of Diet Pepsi, I paid, he insisted he wanted to but I mean, it’s the 99 cents store, how expensive can the stuff be if every item is 99 cents each? From there, we went to Sears to look for Suitcases. When we got there, he asked me which ones could I afford? Say what? I have a luggage set, thank you’re the one who has a problem with where I bought it. He hadn’t even seen my set then. Anyway, I looked around and told him I didn’t see anything I liked. WTF? He told me he was going to use his stuff discount, but I would have to pay for them myself. I was like no thanks dude, I’m good!
After Sears, we went to the Gas station, when we got there, he told me he felt weird asking me that, but he had a favour to ask me. I had a feeling I was going to feel weird hearing it as well. I asked him if he had to cos I felt weird he felt weird. He said yeah he had to. He asked me to lend him some money WHAT THE BLEEP! What kind of middle aged man is this? It’s like I’m paying him back for all the fun stuff he paid for the previous day. Or better yet, we were going Dutch! I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with that. He told me he was going to pay me back as soon as he got paid. He was planning for us to spend New Year’s Eve together, he would pay me back then or do a direct deposit into my account. It’s not the same, dude! You just do do that! He wanted $70! (R700). I mean if I had known of the jerkery he was about to pull, I never would have paid for breakfast and the snacks. I knew there and the that that wasn’t a loan, I was giving him the money. My thing about people borrowing money, is either give it to them as in here, it’s yours or don’t ‘lend’ it to them cos you ain’t getting it back!
I asked him what he wanted to do with the money that was so urgent. He wanted to buy a cart (trolley). You know those flat four-wheeled carts? He wanted one for....wait for it.... when,, one day he has his music business, he can use it to transfer his equipment, from the truck to stage. WWHHHAAATTTT? You wanna spend my money on a fantasy that may or may never get fulfilled, what the heck is this? He told me there was one for Sale in San Diego. He wanted to buy it on his way to dropping me off. Anyway, he took me to the ATM while we were still talking about it. And asked me to withdraw the money. Wow, what an a**. Is this guy being for real right now, I kept wondering to myself. I withdrew it and wrote it off as on my first trip to LA, I got mugged. I wasn’t going to ask for it back and judging from the way he was acting, he was never going to give it back. I told him, I hope he at least felt uncomfortable asking me for money, he told me he didn’t, we’re a couple and it shouldn’t matter, we should help each other. Wow! What a fcked up view of relationships, we just met a**-hole!
He got his money, and the entire weekend was a joke as far as I was concerned from then on. I think  El’s a cheapskate, from the whole racism stunt he pulled with that poor guy at the hotel, just to get discount at the hotel. Budget for your sht dude, don’t be robbing people to get by, not cute! Not cute at all!  #99CentStore





Welcome to Los Angeles

El asked where I wanted to go in LA. I was and always am game for whatever, I like to be surprised and am all about spontaneity. We checked out, he dragged our matching suitcases, we headed for the car. LA, here we come! It was a beautiful morning, the sun was out as in any other day in Southern California. We left Orange county and headed for the City of Angels. You couldn’t wipe the smile off my face if you tried! I was falling more and more in love with El, just for allowing himself to be the instrument though which my dreams were being made to come true. Perry made lots of promises but he couldn’t fulfil one of them. And none of them were in LA, which is only a two hour drive from San Diego. It wasn’t a competition but Perry had an opportunity and he messed it up because he was so caught up in things he had no control over. I hope I am never ever that kind of person. To never live for the moment.
WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES! F*ck me! If you’re my friend on Facebook, you may have seen an influx of pictures of the City around Christmas day. I was too happy not to post. Normally, I don’t state where I am until I blog about it so as not to spoil it, but LA is LA, I had to! He asked me what I felt like having for lunch, I was PMSing and had all kinds of cravings. He suggested we went to Hometown Buffet, great choice! The smile on my face, the entire time! Just before we walked in, a couple that was ahead of us, an older Gentleman and a younger exotic looking woman, the man held the door open for us, and smiled at me. I thought that was sweet. When we got to the cash register, he offered to have us use his pensioner’s card for discount. We weren’t allowed to. Just as well. Who was cheap food at a discounted rate? Before you know it, they were going to have to pay us to eat it! Not my idea of a date.
I had all kinds of meat, from Beef to Pork to chicken to sea food and cake for desert. El had a healthy, green dish, good for him! I’d have had more, if I weren’t on a date with someone I didn’t know that well. From there, he took me to his favourite store ever; the 99 Cents Only Store! Where as you may have guessed it, everything is 99 Cents only! We grabbed some Diet Pepsi, El’s fave Soda. When we got to the cash register, (or Till), the lady recognised him, apparently he sold her and her husband a TV set a month prior (and she still remembered him, HANDS OFF B*TCH, HE’S MINE!). J
He then took me to a shoe store, and asked the assistant to help me find matching comfortable shoes because we were going to do a lot of walking. SCORE! It’s been a while since a guy did that for me. I was over the moon. He sat aside while I chose a pair. I put them on immediately. I still didn’t quite know where we were going to spend the day, mind you?
Perry who?
While we were driving, I had my cameras in hand, snapping away. I saw the Hollywood Sign, OOOHHH MMMMMYYYY GOOOOSSHHHH, Are you kidding me right now?!?!?!?!? I could’ve died! I was in LA for sure! I tried taking a picture but we were on the Freeway, there was no time to stop. When we got off the Freeway, he asked me to trust him, I was so in love that moment, I could trust him to take my own life! We drove around until, boom! The sign again, Whoooo hoooo! So nice of him to do that for me! I snapped until I couldn’t snap anymore! #Happiness
From there, we kept driving, for me seeing the street signs I always hear about in TV shows, news and songs was a very surreal experience, Hollywood Boulevard, Sunset Boulevard, the works. As we were driving, I saw a sign <<<< UNIVERSAL STUDIOS . Of Course I took pictures. He told me stories of when he was young and he and his friends would park outside the premises and walk all the way up to the studios and gallivant there all day. I can’t imagine how it must have been like growing up in my favourite city in the World.
Before I knew it, we were at the Gate at Universal, WHAT! I couldn’t believe it!  Me, here, now!?
He paid Entrance fee and voila! We found parking, and walked in, hand in hand, I couldn’t have been more in love with him, than I was that day! At least that’s what I thought. We browsed around, the entire place, well as much as we could. The place is huge! Everything is huge and exaggerated. I would recommend that If you are ever to visit LA, do yourself a favour and check it out. They still had Christmas decorations, seeing as Christmas was only the previous day. He got us Tickets to The Terminator Show. Wildest show I have ever seen! The thing was on 4D plus it had live actors! As if that was not enough, we, the audience were part of the show too, what!!!!!!! Yup!
They gave us out 4D glasses, we awaited our turn. While we were still in the foyer, they told us a bit about the Terminator’s mission. Then we went in, took our seats and the show started on the screen,3D or 4D, who knows anymore, whenever there was water splashing on the screen, some of it sprinkled on us, I was like,am I imagining this? Then while they were fighting, someone would break though the screen and come out of the screen, literally, and run in between us, What the heck! It was way to cool! You’d have to see it to get what really happens, I don’t have words. They even made out seats shake when the ground was shaking on screen, I mean, our hearts were beating fast throughout the show. What an experience!
I came out of there, like whoa! That on it’s own was enough to take my breath away, but that wasn’t all. As we were walking around, we saw movie memorabilia, like Mr. Bean’s green Mini Cooper? Yup, it was parked on the side of the road, in their Little London Town. Snap, snap, snap! I saw a vampire, took a picture with him, he covered me up in his cape and bit my neck, rrrrrrr. He smelled good too! I didn’t want him to let me go! Sorry El. I took pictures with Shrek, etc  etc etc. Then we went for a ride around the different film sets. I can’t remember all the movie names but as we are touring on the bus, the guy was showing us the sets and the scenes would play on a tv screen in the bus, too cool! Do you remember the movie, Psycho? We saw the house, the car and Him, or somebody putting a body in the trunk (boot) of a car outside the house. Creepy! We drove on Wisteria Lane, what! They showed us which house was whose and all that, it was fantastic! I love me some Desperate Housewives. It was unreal to be on Wisteria Lane.
There were streets of New York, Canada, London, you name it, right there. Nicole Kidman’s movie Dead Calm was filmed there as well, I think. JAWS! So here’s what happened with the whole Jaws thing, they told us about it, I was sitting on the far right side of the bus right by the window, only it was a “convertible” bus so there were half walls and no windows, we drove over a bridge, they literally made it rain on us and then boom, the shark was coming for us, it stopped just before it got to me. It came out of nowhere, I was like flipping hell, what’s next. It was such a thrilling experience! You have no idea! The bus was shaking, I thought we were going to tip over and get bitten by sharks. Fast and the Furious? Same story! They cause a wreck while we were watching and then the cars went on fire, it was real fire, or not, I don’t know but we felt the heat on the bus! Insane!
By the time we were done with out tour, it had got dark and cold outside. Good thing I had my sweater because El’s Leather Jacket never would have fitted me. He wanted us to do more stuff but changed his mind, he didn’t want me to freeze to death. I didn’t care. I was on the roll, Go gO GO!

P.S. Pictures will follow when I have faster internet xoxo

Friday, June 14, 2013

I think he's dead... El! Wake up!


Is this even the same guy as the guy I had been talking to? Is he a criminal? What if he’s not even who he says he is, All these thoughts ran through my mind, too late, I was already in the car. He seemed nervous. Which could be a good thing or a bad thing. We drove off. I would’ve been excited to finally be united with him if I were not totally freaked out.
 He had a Cars (the rock band) T-shirt, a black leather jacket, and blue levi’s Jeans on. He looked alright, he just didn’t quite look like the guy in the pictures. He looked more like a blown up version of that guy. While I was still battling these thoughts, trying to calm down the voices in my head, he grabbed my hand and stuck it in his mouth. What the ffffffffff---? Is what I said, in my already so confused head but on the outside, I smiled and went, rrrrrrrrr. Whew!  I mean who does that? Whatever happened to hey, Brook, nice to finally meet you? Or kiss the back of my hand, what the heck are you doing munching on my hand? You never even told me you were in to that. You had ample time to warn me about this, dang it!
Los Angeles, here I come! Or not, depending on what this weirdo has in store for me! Gosh, good things only, I hope! Happy birthday Jesus! He explained to me that there were no phones on the way, that’s why he didn’t call. Really? I wonder why there are no public phone every other traffic  light in The United States of America in 2012, mhhh! #wondering. He turned around, looked me in the eye and went, “could you have put on more perfume?” WHAT? Are you kidding me right now? Who says that to someone they just met? Ugh, #TurnOff
I was fighting really hard to find things I liked about the guy now that he was here, he was a real person, I was on the way to another county with him, I had to think of something. I had to make it work. We talked and talked, after the ice was broken, it wasn’t so bad in there.
I remember talking to him about hygiene, some time over the phone, he told me he recently had his teeth cleaned because he has dental insurance (tmi), the dentist gave him a new tooth brush, which was special in so many ways blah. When I saw the guy, his teeth didn’t look like he had had them cleaned in a minute (read: very long time). They looked like he brushed them, just maybe not that day or something. Man, how am I going to handle this! I love to kiss like any red blooded female out there but I refuse to kiss someone with teeth filled with tartar, no, I ain’t no teeth cleaner. What am I supposed to do with all that once it’s transferred from your mouth to mine? Come on dude, have some self respect! Mine were pure white, you know when you use the extra whitening toothpastes and then wear red lipstick. The right shade of red will make the whiteness of your teeth pop. And I don’t drink coffee, tea, wine or anything really. I pride myself in how nice and glossy and white my teeth are.
It was a nice drive to LA, short too. Must because we didn’t really go to LA. I saw, welcome to ORANGE COUNTY! I was so excited cos I’m such a real housewives fan! Gretchen is my favourite of the RHOC, mainly because she always tweets back J. I was so psyched to know I could possibly be in the same County as her, don’t judge me, I have my moments! We found nice parking and he went, ok, I want my kiss. I thought fck! Smiled and puckered up. Come on, I want more than that! Sht! I went for the one on tv. The dry, wet kiss. Smiled and rushed for the door. I was hungry too. He got out of the car and didn’t look that much different from the pictures, I guess poor thing gained weight in his face. He is tall! I still he had brushed his teeth one more time before embarking on his journey to moi!
We walked hand in hand to the restaurant. Perry who?
We found a table, the place was packed. He told me I was beautiful. You bet I am! Haha, I never said that, I would never say that. He ordered Rice and salmon, it was delish, a little pepperish. I had beef stroganoff, I wish it came with rice, but I had to have noodles with it. I hadn’t had Rice in a while, Perry didn’t know how to cook it, so we didn’t have any. El fed me from his plate, then had some of mine AND then he looked me in the eye and went, “next time let me order for you”. WTF!
After that, we drove around to the hotel where we asked me to wait for him in the car while he cheked in. WHAT? A hotel? I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT, he’s married to that sister woman! What an a** hole! What a waste of my time! He came out ages later, complaining about how racist those people are. At least the guy who helped him. Apparently he looked at him some kind of way (American English ;)) when he saw that he was with me. I was like but I wasn’t in there with you! How could he have known I am with you? I didn’t care, The guy was black by the way. We drove around the back of the hotel where our room was, parked, he carried my bags for me and we got in. It was freezing in orange county! We got settled. Anchorman, the movie was playing on tv, he seemed to enjoy that. He knew every line of the script. Not cool, El, not cool!
He asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I had to pass, it was cold outside, I was ok just chilling in the room and watching Anchorman. We had to pay extra for internet, he was willing to do it, but It wasn’t that important. We laid in bed and talked, just light stuff, nothing hectic. Until he dozed off and snored like I never heard anybody or animal snore before in my entire life. I jumped up, woke him up and was like, I think you’re uncomfortable, you’re snoring. He said, “oh yeah, I thought I told you about my snoring.” You told me you snore, but you didn’t tell me you snored like this! He told he meant to bring me ear plugs cos it’s really bad. Ya think? I stayed up while he snored the night away. He would alternate between snoring, actually, I should google it, I’m sure there’s a name for that noise. Between that and dying for a few seconds, literally stopping breathing and BOOM! Snore again, really loud! I would wake him up, tell him, I thought he died there for a second. He acted surprised, come on, you’re fifty years old and you don’t know that you die and reincarnate in your sleep! Don’t give me that!
The following morning, I was so freaked out about the whole sleep apnoea thing that I brought it up again. I asked if he ever saw someone about it. He told me he dated a woman who was a nurse, she made good money and wouldn’t buy him a certain watch he wanted. It’s not that he couldn’t afford the watch but he wanted her to buy it for him because of everything he had done for her.... I was thinking to myself, back on track El, why are we still sulking about the ex, let’s get back to the subject at hand, the sleep apnoea! Anyway, the nurse told him that it’s normal. Whatever! That’s not normal, trust me.
I went out for breakfast by myself while he was still in bed, he gave me money to go grab myself something because, “El sleeping! Sleeping El...” He kept saying that. So I thought not to disturb him, it’s not like he slept all night, snoring and kept me awake, right? Right! I grabbed breakfast, and went back to the hotel, it poured rain on my way back, good thing I had the jacket he had given me on. He had picked up from our conversations that I didn’t have warm, winter clothes. He then brought me a jacket that was too big on him (cos he was thin IN HIS HEAD). Anyway, I appreciated the gesture. He also brought me a cute suit case, carry on size, that was part of a set he had. He gave it to me and told me he wanted us to start having matching, good quality stuff, daddy wasn’t gonna let me walk around with the cheap luggage set I bought at Wal-Mart. He told me to take care of that and keep the receipts, he was going to return it, pay extra and buy me a better quality set from Sears. One of his back handed nice things to say. Part of that is sweet cos he is offering to do something nice (well, it’s potentially sweet, cos it’s still a promise, who knows if he’s going to deliver or not), another part is that he is dissing a set I bought myself, with my own hard earned cash at Wal Mart, you know what I mean? I feel like there’s always a better way to approach things than his way. Maybe it’s just me.
We had a busy day ahead, time to hit LA b*tches! I was so psyched :)

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

GET IN! GET IN!


It’s not like I could call and be like, hey babe where you at? Or text and be like, “ssup, I’m outsyd, i don c u!” Do you know what I mean?
And I wasn’t about to do the walk of shame back to the house. I just kept going. I could feel Perry’s eyes on me as I walked aimlessly down the street. I saw a car that resembled El’s car down the street. I was like, could that be it? Man I hadn’t worn heels in ages, I was really not feeling walking all the way there in heels. Darn it! I kept walking though. It was very quiet in the neighbourhood, I didn’t want people calling the cops on me, or some neighbourhood watch. Ugh, where art thou? I kept looking at my phone, nothing! Shebbert!
As I got closer, I realised that wasn’t the car, now what? Do I walk all the way up? Is he gonna go back where he had parked before? What to do, what to do? I walked back up hoping against hope that Perry wouldn’t come out and ask if he could offer me a ride or something. He did ask me that when I walked out and I turned him down, knowing that my new beau was waiting for me outside. Little did I know...! I made my way back towards the house, slowly, hoping that he hadn’t gone back to LA, imagine! He came back! Whew! If it weren’t for the car, I wouldn’t have recognised him. He looked nothing like the obviously old pictures he had been sending me. He had a fat face, he still had a full head of hair but it was salt and pepper, not the image I had in my mind from the pictures, wtf?
As I was trying to figure all this out in my head, he pulled up and went, GET in! Get IN! GET IN! The car hardly stopped, he grabbed me, got me in the car and drove off............whattt thhheee ffuuuuuu


Elvis, My King, where the f*ck art thou?


While getting to know each other, talking it up over the phone with Elvis, he would say things like, “so how flexible are you?” I’d be like, you mean .... “you know?!” uhm, I can’t believe you just asked me that! Or we’d be talking, then he would be like, “so you didn’t pick up when I called earlier, were you doing some stretching exercises?” Stretch exercises? What for? “so you can be nice and flexible for daddy.” Are you for real? Nobody says the things you say!
Overall, I was still excited to meet him in person. I was excited to go to LA for the first time in my life. It had been a dream of mine. You know I was dying to get out of Perry’s house, even for  a day! At first El said he was going to pick me up the night of Christmas  Eve, then he changed his mind. He wanted to spend part of Christmas with his family, so he was either going to take them to a restaurant and give his sister a break from cooking, where they were going to have Christmas lunch. Or he was going to order take out from one of the restaurants that serve Christmassy stuff and have them deliver to the house, so he wouldn’t feel bad not being with his family the entire day. He seemed like he was really making an effort to please everybody.
He confirmed that would leave LA around 11 am to be in San Diego around 1pm to pick me up. I was to take with me my laptop, in case we needed to google some stuff to do and places that would be open and all that. I would have been happy doing that on my blackberry really, but ok. Hopefully this guy wasn’t some conman who was going to rob me of my valuables. He did ask me before how big my laptop was in inches. I found that odd, that he would care. Anyway, I didn’t get ready until Christmas morning because I have been disappointed too much, I never get ready until the very last minute. I don’t want to be that fool who was stood up. Dressed up and all.
Did I tell you Elvis doesn’t have a Cellphone? Yep, 2012 and the guy doesn’t have a Cellphone. His reason is because once, he was out of town and ran his bill up so much talking to a girlfriend while driving back that he never ever wants to pay that much on a telephone bill again. Uh, which country were you in? They have unlimited talk and text plans in America now starting from $40 per month! You work in a shop, you should know that? Didn’t the Kardashians tell you that when you were on a conference call with them?
He told me that he will consider getting a Cellphone when he is in a serious relationship with someone and lives with them. He wants to get married to, the whole nine yards. Speaking of which, what happened that you’re almost fifty and you’ve never been married. “People always ask that, and I can ask you the same question, how come you’ve never been married?” Because I’m a woman, and wait on a guy to ask, you on the other hand are a man, it’s on you to ask a girl. So you will probably get asked that question more than us women. I’ve been asked a couple of times before but nothing came of it, obviously. He told me about how he came so close with a few of the women he’s dates. One woman, he was on the way to surprise at work with the ring. As he was pulling up at her work’s parking lot, he busted her making out with a man. That was the end of that relationship. The rest of the stories, I was to  hear at a later stage. The Kenyan woman, had to move to the East coast to be with his family because they needed her or something to that effect. They are still friends, he wishes he could be friends with all his exes but some don’t think so, something he genuinely doesn’t understand. Well, Elvis, NEITHER DO I! I don’t get it. Make your own friends. Who are just gonna be your friends, have a bunch of exes and that of friends, why should you be so desperate to be friends with your exes, MOVE ON! They’ve clearly moved on, you do so too!
I tried to find cute clothes to wear for our very first meeting. We hadn’t skyped because he doesn’t have a webcam. I was on the phone with my sister who I sent pictures of my in the outfits for her approval. Done! I did my hair and nails.
I had sent Elvis a few of my pictures over time, his comments would go something like, (this is after I asked him if he got them because he wouldn’t even acknowledge receipt thereof) “nice pic, I love your boots.” Really? My boots! I take a picture of my entire self and you’re gonna tell me you like my boots? Boots that my ex, Perry chose for me by the way. SideNote: I find that if you want to impress your new beau, wear something an ex bought for you. They seem to like the same things. I always get compliments from guys on things other guys bought for me. His comment to another picture I had sent him was, “being a plane Jane suits you” Uhm wtf, is this a comment or an insult?
He had told me on our first telecon what he likes lookswise. Check it out: Long, artificial nails, long hair, weaves, wigs, it doesn’t matter, colored contact lenses, full make up. If you’re my friend on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, you know what I look like! Since I’ve been in the US, I’ve been rocking short, relaxed hair, for the longest time, I’ve worn my nails short, partly because of the work I do, I’m a massage therapist, and a CNA and mainly because I like my nails short. I color them all the time but wear them short, coloured contact and blonde wigs? I have nothing against them, but I haven’t gone that route yet. Was this guy trying to change me already?
I told him how I was open to all those things as long as whoever needs them was going to pay for them. They were so not the priority in my life at the time. He wasn’t perfect, so I don’t know what gave him the balls to have such standards of people, i.e. me. I should be flexible, this that and the other. Oh and he may have mentioned a few times that he has a huge c*ck. “Something something, huge white c*ck). Closer to us meeting, I brought up the size thing and was like, by the way how big is it? “I’ve never measured it, but it’s going to be enough for you” Oh now, it’s enough! All along it was a huge white c*ck, what happened to that? Sht was getting real, it was time for him to be almost honest. I brought it up again and told him to measure it, I want inches damn it! He told me he didn’t have measuring tape, but gave me a rough estimate. This much or that much. When they do that, I know it’s the smaller number or an inch smaller than that even. I thought to myself, great, he’s small. He’s big headed and small. And I’m supposed to do stretching exercises for THAT!
He called me before the left and told me he was about to take a shower, he was going to call me on the way, get this; he was going to find a public phone and call me from it. I asked him what if he didn’t find one? He assured me he would. What do I know, I’ve only had cellphones half my life or more. I was expecting him around 1pm. He was going to call en route and then again when he got to San Diego. Uh, where exactly? I’d lived in SD for almost two months and don’t recall seeing a public phone. Anyway, I didn’t want him knocking on Perry’s door, that was drama I didn’t want to have the energy to want to be involved in. Perry caught a glimpse of my while I was getting ready, paid me a compliment (something my new guy had an issue with) and asked if I was going somewhere, “NOPE.”
I peeked through the window and saw El’s car, a green Ford Escape, crap, he’s here! I wasn’t ready yet AND I COULDN’T CALL OR TEXT TO LET HIM KNOW! Fck! What kind of a person is this? Why doesn’t this guy have a cell phone? Grrrrrr! He had told me he was considering getting a cheap $20 phone day before the trip, WHY DIDN’T HE?
I finished up quickly and wan outside, I wished Perry a Merry Christmas and strutted out the door, you know when you know you look cute and smell great and have great plans with a hot guy and you’re walking away from your ex who is lounging around the house with no plans dressed in his house clothes? Feels great doesn’t it?
I got outside and ELVIS WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. Shhhhhhtttttt!