Seriously, how old are you?

Seeing Elvis Stand in front of me, flaunting IT just before he left me for work was a very weird moment for me. It was reality check. Am I really doing this? For some reason I kinda saw him for who he was, a middle aged man working in a department store who likes younger girls. Do  I want to be that girl? I don’t really know how to put it in words but it was a moment, a realisation you don’t want to have your very first morning at your boyfriend’s house who you just moved in with. Because, what are you going to do? Leave him because you just had an Aha! Moment? Was it cold feet? I don’t believe in cold feet. I believe in that feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach, that voice that tells you if and when you’re about to get in trouble, if something feels right or not. I go by that feeling. It’s been my guiding light for like ever. I think we should all listen to that voice, that feeling. It’s there for a reason. I didn’t.

Soon as he left, I went on Skype, to take my mind off things and talked to my one of my sisters. I wasn’t gonna be that person who just had a weird feeling about someone she just just moved in with. We love Elvis! We’re not gonna say bad things about him! I had to keep the facade up! Hey, sis, how’s it going? I’m in LA, whoooooo hoooooo! We talked for hours as we always do. We were all so happy I left Perry. New beginnings! This is it, sis! Someone who loves and cherishes you, blah blah blah. My stomach was turning, I couldn’t talk about it. I didn’t want to be that uncertain person, who jumps from one big decision to the next. Good thing is, my sisters get it! They get me! They don’t think I’m nuts, at least, they don’t tell me to my face if they do haha. Which can be a good thing.

I then started cleaning up. I was tired, so not in the mood and slightly pissed off that Elvis, who knew what I went through with Perry would take me to such a pig sty. I wasn’t up for it at all. I wasn’t about to pull Operation Spring Cleaning all over again. That’s not what I’m about. I didn’t move to California to clean Old men’s houses! Screw that. I just tidied up enough for me to be able to not wanna puke when I look around. That in itself took hours, because the place, you could tell, had never ever been touch. This from someone who is always in relationships. Seems to me when he’s in one, he always lives with his women (and his sister, her two special needs cats and his mother), you would expect way more. Right?

I didn’t know where to begin, I really didn’t! There were blood stains on the pillow cases from his ear “which was snipped by the barber”, jury still out on that. #SideLook

While tidying up on top of the chest of drawers I FOUND HIS DRIVER’S LICENSE! Licences! He looked different in all of them, good  but different, much younger, no salt and pepper hair, we love the salt pepper on him too though, so it’s all good.

He had so many receipts lying all over the place, I wanted to just throw everything out but I didn’t know why he had what in there and all, so I folded them all up and stuffed them up in a small random bucket I found in the bedroom. Heaven only knows what that was doing in there. There were diet pills on the chest of drawers, tons of them! My theory is, he must have gone on some quick diet before we met. He still looked bigger than the pictures he had sent me but the belly grew four times bigger between our first meeting and the time we moved in and that was like five minutes after! He must have stuffed himself to death once he knew he sealed the deal. Good for him!

And I was supposed to do kegel exercises, yoga and all kinds of things to make sure I’m perfect for him. Dream on, dreamer! By the time I was done tidying up, it must have been night time already. The first day really is a blur to me. Nothing ever is, which is why I can blog about things that happened forever ago. But that day sure was. I think I would like to keep it that way too. The sister went out just after Elvis, I was alone in the house with Sweetie Pie (remember that’s what “Daddy” Calls his mom?) the entire time. She (the sister) took the cats and got the heck outta there! I don’t blame her. She got back in the evening, before El, I decided to go to the living room and socialise. Not up to it but, I remembered living with host families in Georgia. We had to make an effort to mix with the folks, it was frowned upon to lock yourself up in your room and spend all your free time on the internet. That stuck with me. So there I was in the kitchen with sis, while she was preparing dinner to make sure there was food ready for when Daddy got home. Yuck.

She told me the story of her life! Goodness, did I regret getting out there! Either way, It was going to happen, you know? Whether I talked to her that day, the following day, week, month, year, it would have just been postponing the inevitable. I sucked it up and thought, you know what, let’s get this over and done with. Once she’s done telling me these stories, she’ll be done, then we can move on to funner things (American English, don’t judge me! I’m doing as the Roman’s do). She told me about her estranged son, from when she conceived him, to his birth, raising him as a single parent, his dad who was abusive, their divorce, his death, son’s girlfriends, blah blah blah, tears, blach, more tears, crying from the pit of her stomach, I just stood there in utter shock that someone can pour their heart out to a stranger the way she did. Daddy, come home! Yuck!

I was in a tight corner, literally, I was standing in a corner in the kitchen, she was standing by the entrance, she cornered me up, there was no way out for me. When she talks, she gets so passionate, so emotional, and literally is in your face, spitting, and crying and crying and sobbing and crying and balling her eyes out, my Gosh! Then we moved on to Elvis, she wanted to know how long I had known him, I seem like a nice girl who shouldn’t be with someone like him. Then she told me all these stories about him.The stories all were familiar. It was amazing how of all the stories they could tell me about themselves and each other, they picked the same ones. The only difference was that, in her stories, he’s the bad guy, in hers, he is. I got a headache!

The problem moved up from my stomach, to the head. I didn’t know what to think? Who the bleep did I move in with? (Know that show? Who the bleep did I marry? A documentary about people who were in relationships with monsters. Check it out if you haven’t seen it and you, like me love morbid shows haha). I was just standing there, listening. It reminded me of when I was in Connecticut and N was telling me all these stories about T who had told me tons of stories about N. Both sides were convincing enough. It was a toss up, I didn’t know who to believe! In both cases, Connecticut and Los Angeles.

I was ready for El’s return from work. Partly, so I could have another look at him and to hopefully remove the image I had in my head from that morning about him being those older men who creep me out, and party so he could save me from the hell that was his sister.

He was going to be home around 10 pm. My Jamaican friend called. Saved by the bell! I never answered a phone call quicker than I did that call! I jumped up mid-sentence and told Sister, I HAD to take that call. I ran to the bedroom faster than you can say B.E.D. and was not to return there even if you paid me. She was going to have to go drag me out of there. Which she couldn’t. The plus side of being plus sized. #Rhyming

Al called me that night around 9pm, which was a nice thing. I’d almost thought he wasn’t going to. He had never called me from work, so I assumed he never has a chance or is not allowed to, remember he’s the only person in the Universe without a Cellphone? We talked for a few minutes, he was wrapping things up and was about to come home. I was ready for him to get back, it had been a heck of a day.

By the way, remember how on his profile he had lied about his age and said he was 47? Then he confessed when I cornered him on one of our phone calls that that was to piss his ex girlfriend off, he actually was 49 going on 50? HE LIED...

Elvis Goes To Work

January 2013

The sun came out and it was morning. I’m in LA! I looked around me, the surroundings were unfamiliar. I didn’t know if I wanted them to be. They were so uneasy to take in. Clutter everywhere. There was this man in bed with me who brought me to this house without a heads up. I mean, he tried. Short of sending pictures, there’s no way you could prepare anybody for that! He had to work that afternoon. He got up and made breakfast, he brought it to bed. He  had egg whites, threw away the yolk because “it’s bad for you”, some turkey sausages and tons of Diet Pepsi “cos THAT’S good for you”, I guess. I can’t remember what he brought me,  I probably never had it because of the state of the bedroom and the house in its entirety. He ended up eating. There’s a lot of that in the house; where El will bring in two plates of food, assuming for both of us, feed me a taste with a fork from one of the plates AND EAT EVERYTHING, right there in front of me! I think he gets in a zone, same as Perry, and just can’t stop himself once he starts eating and must eat everything in sight. What do I know? I’m just a girl from Africa. He went on the computer, in a tiny cluttered corner in the living room, checked his emails, ordered more car parts and more music stuff. I think it’s cool that he is passionate about something. I don’t know about the something it’s self. He says it’s music and cars, I say it’s hoarding car and music related things. There’s a different.

Before I knew it, it was time for him to get ready for work. He got in the shower, our bathroom being the cleanest room in the house! He went in there, grabbed a very interesting looking, orange wash cloth (washing rag), and showered up, called me after a bit and asked me to wash his back. I still don’t know how I feel about that. Is it cute/romantic or diva-esque? With him you never know. He has a very condescending thing about himself where he dances to his own tune, believes his own hype if you will.

He came out of the shower, dripping. No towel in sight. You could tell he was looking for something to dry himself out with. So was I. I was curious to see what was next. Heck, it’s his house! What does he usually use? He found a t-shirt, the one he had on the previous day, he sat on the bed, soaking wet as he was and dried himself with the t-shirt. I ain’t sh*tting ya! When he was done with the t-shirt, he just dropped it, wherever he landed, it landed there, whatever! It landed on the floor just in front of the bed. His back was still wet, he never got to that part with his t-shirt. I was watching all that in utter amazement. Am I dreaming?

 “Shoes, where are my shoes, bring me my socks, black socks, second to last drawer, yeah, Sears Shirt, it’s blue, what’s that? Right there, that’s the one, I thought my sister did laundry, why is this still dirty, anyway, I don’t care at this point. I hate that place, they don’t deserve someone like me anyway. I’m overqualified for that place. They are paying me half, no a third, no... maybe, yeah, maybe, probably a quarter of what I’m worth. I’ve managed stores before, I have a four year Business Administration Degree, I shouldn’t be working on the floor for a store that doesn’t even have the ambition to appreciate someone like me!”

Honey, Do you have another belt? This is the same belt you had on when we first met, you told me you have lots of belts at home, you can’t be wearing this, it’s seen it’s days! “Pass me that belt! I’m telling you! You don’t understand! I have no respect for that place, I don’t even care what I look like, I don’t care about being presentable for those people!” yeah but you should respect YOURSELF enough to not want to ever wear such a thing, this is about you not Sears! “Anyway, go to the kitchen, see if my sister has prepared my lunch for me” Make sure there’s a cold bottle of Diet Pepsi in there and Raisins. And some Fruit, she keeps feeding me unhealthy, I don’t know how many times I’ve told her I want to lose weight, she just doesn’t care. She’s not ambitious enough to care what she packs for me. I’m so glad you’re here, you can teach her how to do the right thing”

“Ok, gotta go, Daddy loves you! Daddy says, he will miss you today when he’s at work, he says he will see you soon. K, Bye” xoxo

Get me the heck out of here!

His story was, I was supposed to be this woman who was once in a relationship with him but had to move to the East Coast. For that reason, we broke up. We had recently got back together. I was from some Part of California, I’m forgetting the name of the city. It’s a city somewhere in Central California, some place I had never heard of. I forgot it as soon as he mentioned it. This story, by the way he told me at the parking lot of the apartment where he lives. I mean, I’m good but not that good! Plus, again, what was wrong with the truth? I had to lie about my age too and pretend to be older than I am. Actually, now that I’m typing this, it’s occurring to me that, he may have had a relationship with a woman, older than me, from central Cali who I was supposed to pretend to be.

I’m glad I didn’t have to change my name as well, that would have been really hard.

He had told me that he is a mama mama’s baby, one of the reasons he wouldn’t have his mom live in a Nursing home. And had her and his sister move in with him instead.  He told me, “now that you will be living with me, you will get a better feel of who I am and how I treat women by seeing how I love and respect my mother. I call her Sweetie Pie. On my off Days, I cook for her and take her for walks in her wheel chair. Every now and again, I take her out for lunch to restaurants. My mommy is spoiled!” Lucky mommy! Right?

We got out of the car, walked slowly towards the apartment. It didn’t look as cute close by as it did the night we did a drive-by. He asked me one last time to keep an open mind about the mess and to remember we are going to sort it out together. He opened the door and BAM! In my face! Boxes and Boxes of stuff, There was a huge mountain bike next to the big flat screen tv his sister was watching, The aerial was slanting off, holding on for dear life next to a tiny, blue, fake Christmas tree. Sister was sitting on a love seat (two person couch)  in front of the tv with two cats, and mess all around her, there was a crutch near by too. I remember hearing she is disabled. I guess that explains the Crutch. She was in heels though! Go Figure! She has platinum blonde hair, with bangs, and was dressed pretty cute, skinny jeans, high heeled ankle boots, and a nice top and full make up on. The was more mess behind her love-seat, Mess, mess and more mess. That place makes Perry’s house seem like a neat freak’s dream! It was downright dirty! Forget ‘oh I’ve got too much stuff cos I moved from a four bedroomed house to a two bed apartment!” Dude, that was ten years ago, quit playing! Are you sh*tting me, right now! What the hell is this? No wonder you didn’t want to bring me here, he opted to fight people, crying race to have someone pay for a hotel bill you couldn’t afford just so you could hide this mess you live in. What the heck! I thought I was being punked! His eyes were focused on mine for a reaction, I just blurted out, WOWWWWWW! That project was greater than me. They needed Niecey Nash up in there #CleanHouse. There isn’t room to move the stuff to sort it out to sell it or anything. It’s a hoarder’s paradise. And the dude won’t stop shopping! These are people who have two storages over and above everything they have in the apartment.  She has a huge one somewhere and the rest of her stuff is in her van. Remember the van is her actual home, so she has things going on there, tons of gallons of water and Lord knows what. El on the other hand has his own storage in Hollywood and apparently more of his stuff is in the sister’s storage and then his car, an SUV is packed with junk, just junk. There are black bin bags in the back. I remember when he went to buy the cart in San Diego, he didn’t have space to put it in, it was mission impossible. He has bottles and bottles of Diet Pepsi in the pack, some full, some half full, some empty, some full and ready to explode from heat. Good Grief!

I extended my hand to shake the sister’s. I noticed that she has issues with her hand, the fingers are all crooked. She greeted me, and offered me a seat in the love seat (lol, don’t I sound like Clarence Carter; I got caught making love to another man’s wife). I was dressed all cute in my knee high suede boots and a cute dress. I got concerned at that point. What about my clothes! Are they gonna collect all this fluff, human hair and cat fur! Yuck! I had to be polite, so I sat next to the sister, trying to remember my script. So much pressure. El went over to the kitchen to drop the burgers. He seemed quite ok with everything, so comfortable, so at ease! What must have happened to someone’d head for them to be comfortable in that kind of atmosphere? I have pictures, I will post them as soon as I have better internet on a separate blogs with captions, to give you an idea. I am certain you will agree with me!

The sister and got a little acquainted. Then it was time to move on to the bedroom. He has an en-suite bathroom in the bedroom. It’s a two bed, two bath apartment. He had told me before that his sister is using the second bathroom as a Studio Apartment. That was supposed to be a jab at his sister, I thought it was hilarious and not fair. I was yet to meet this person, and he was already belittling her like that. Not cute. Especially for an almost fifty year old single man, who has never married. No offence to people who have never been married, I’ve never been married myself. The mess in the bedroom! It looked like a moving truck, can you say U-Haul? Packed boxes all around, against the wall, with enough space for the windows and then the bed was in the centre of it all. There’s a Chest of Drawers with tons of receipts on it, TONS! Coins, keys, measuring tapes. TWO of those! Remember when I asked him how big it is and he told me, he didn’t have a measuring tape to measure it? #liar

The bathroom was surprisingly clean, it gave me a feeling I was in a different house. The edge of the carpet between the bedroom and the bathroom had come off, you know the steel thing they put there, to keep the carpet down and to make sure you don’t trip? That came off, so the nails are sticking out. You can’t see them because they are brown, so is the carpet, so whenever I go to the bathroom, it’s Watch out! What out! Lmao, I can’t believe this! Every now and then he will let me get poked by the nails and burst out laughing. It’s comic relief for him to live in such an unhealthy, unsanitary environment. Ugh! The bed was kinda made. With really nice linen.

Before he met, he had mentioned in passing that he his barber had cut his ear a little bit when trimming his hair. He was still recovering from that. I didn’t know why he told me that cos it was obviously going to recover quickly. How bad could it be, right? Weeks later, we met, the following morning, I saw blood on the pillows and freaked! I thought he was bleeding through his ears or something! He was ever so nonchalant about it and was like, oh yeah, that must be my ear. What the heck, when is this ear going to recover? It had been a month already! Or longer!

There was no space anywhere for my stuff! I had three pieces of luggage. And nowhere to put them. He told me he was going to buy me a chest of drawers. AND PLACE IT WHERE, DUDE? There is a closet on the bedroom, full of his clothes, which are surprisingly hung neatly. It had been a long day, I was ready for bed. I couldn’t take anymore of that mess in (that’s what she said haha).

He offered me something to eat, I couldn’t, I was in way over my head, literally in this case! I just wanted to sleep.

It is too late to move back to Perry’s?

Good Bye San Diego, Hello Los Angeles!

Through all the mess that had become my life, I was still looking for jobs in LA, nothing! It was like talking to a brick wall while pulling teeth! I didn’t want to move in with El and have a Perry happen to me all over again. I’d be darned. I didn’t want to move in with El to begin with, I just wanted to do my own thing, but at that point, what were my options? Plus, he didn’t make it seem like he was doing me a favour, he asked me to move in with him. He was afraid I was going to move far away, and we’d lose what we were trying to build.

I packed my bags, as usual. Boy, I tell ya I can come up tops if they were to run a packing competition. The experience I have on that, I can’t even begin! I had my ‘cheap’ bags packed, I had everything on one side in my room. Perry didn’t know when I was leaving, he knew it was coming up fast, but not when exactly. Plus, he was still secretly hoping, I’d stay. In his wildest dreams! El was to pick me up somewhere, we agreed coming to the house wouldn’t be a good idea, he was going to rent me a cab and have them drop me off somewhere. You would swear it was a top state secret mission #CIA. I was like, sure, whatever makes you feel comfortable!

He kept asking if we were going to be ok and if Perry wasn’t going to pull a Jerry Springer on him and be all dramatic and stuff. That was like his thing, He had asked me before if I had ever been on the show. Like, seriously dude! He told me that an ext of his had a cousin who had been on the show, TWICE!  I didn’t care. Still don’t. I assured him that Perry was cool people. I mean, what do I know what’s going on in Perry’s mind? Does Perry even know what’s going on up there? But I had to tell El something!

The day came! El called me before he left his apartment and told me he tried cleaning up the place for me, but didn’t have enough time to spruce it up as well as he would have wished. He asked me to help clean up whenever I had a chance (sure, ‘d love to! Seeing as that’s what I’m known for nowadays. Just ask Perry! I thought he wanted to clean the place up for  me. Now if I’m going to help....?!?!?!?)  Anyway, he STILL didn’t have  a Cellphone! He was about to hop on the shower and then leave when he called. Then he called again and told me that his sister’s car was ticketed, they had to fix that cos she has to have the car. If they didn’t it was going to be uncomfortable for everyone. He was going to go pay the ticket, and fix it up cos the reason she left it in a no parking zone to begin with was because it was broken down. Great, will this guy even make it to San Diego? I had to wait and see. #HurryUpAndWAit

He came back in a few minutes and told me the sister left without him, he seemed off-put by that, oh well. I didn’t know the dynamics of their relationship yet, so I was kinda in the dark. He showed up around two hours later, he called from some store and told me he was ten minutes away. No word about the cab. I was kind of in the dark. I told him to go to the police station, I would be there in no time. I swallowed my pride and asked Perry to drop me off there. He was shocked that I was all packed and on my way. You should’ve seen the expression on his face. I mean  I didn’t do any of that for the expression on his face, I was just ready to get the heck out of there, that’s all. He asked where I was going, I asked him for a ride to the police station. Yeah but where are you going? You know that If you need a flight ticket anywhere, I can buy it for you, right? SURE, ANYTHING TO CLEAR YOUR CONSCIENCE, PERRY! PLUS, YOU’LL DO ANYTHING TO GET ME AS FAR AWAY FROM HERE AS POSSIBLE!. PLUS I THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T HAVE MONEY? “I never have money J You know I want you to stay! I’ve asked you to stay over and over again! YEAH BUT ONLY ON YOUR TERMS!

Anyway, he wanted to know if someone was going to pick me up at the station or if I was going to take a bus, I told him something like that. The bus or you’re getting picked up? Either or! I said good-bye to the dogs, and got my Sh*t in the car, we were off. He begged me to tell him where I was going, I wasn’t about to. He wanted to drop me at the bus stop, if I was moving somewhere close by, he was willing to take me there. No, thanks! Nobody asked you!

As soon as he pulled away, I saw El driving the opposite direction looking as confused as f*ck. I tried to flag him but he was so focused on the road. He was looking for a phone. Seriously, which century are we in? Which Country, what’s happening right now? How does this man still not have a Cellphone? Perry had ended up dropping me off at the bus stop across the street from the police station. I used the station as a landmark not that I thought I was going to need the cops or anything.

Perry got out of the car, wished me luck, promised we were going to remain friends (I don’t know why he was so sure I wanted to be friends), he promised he’d stay in touch. He apologised that things ended the way they did and came in for a hug but, alas, his top was dirty, food from whenever he last ate.  He then shook my hand. It was weird to think that that was it. It really was over; time to move on!

Soon as Perry’s car disappeared, El showed up from the opposite direction. We got my stuff in the car and were off to the city of Angels, Good Bye San Diego, it’s been real! El seemed like he hadn’t taken a shower that day, he had on these baggy, Levi’s jeans,  a t-shirt and his trusted leather jacket. The teeth, again, ugh! Looked like he just finished eating a five course meal L no kisses for him then!

We shot straight for LA, he apologised for the mess in his room. Again. I didn’t get it because the reason he didn’t pick me up the day before was because he was cleaning up his room. How hard can it be (that’s what she said;)) to clean up one room?

We arrived pretty late that night in LA, we, of course made a stop at the 99 cents store to get a few things ‘for me’.He seemed pretty nervous the entire time at the 99 cents store. When I asked, jokingly, if he had a girlfriend there, he told me there’s a lady there who likes him (translation: A lady he likes or his ex). By the time we were done at 99, it had started raining, we got in the car, he found a nice spot and tried making out, but between his teeth, the situation at the 99 cents store and those darn jeans, I couldn’t. I encouraged him to get us home before the weather got nastier.

He drove me around LA a little bit, and showed me the house he and his brother owned, AGAIN! He told me the story of his brother’s passing, and how much they loved each other AGAIN, and cried, AGAIN. We bought Tommy’s burgers, one for his sister too, that way she would be in a good mood and be nice to me, he told me. We arrived at the apartment after 9pm. He had me memorise a few lines about how we met, how long we had known each other, THE ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP! He had his own little script of a made up version of our relationship. What was so wrong with the truth?

Please, don't go!

I didn’t tell Perry about my plans to move. They had nothing to do with him. He was kicking me out, I was going to leave he should be happy.

One morning, I was in the kitchen, on the phone with El. Perry came over,

Perry:    Hey Brook, I need to talk to ya!

Me:        Ok, talk.

 Perry:   Oh, you’re on the phone, sorry, when you’re done!

Me:        We can talk now, quickly.

El was like, you know what?  I’ll call you later. Why don’t you hear him out. I did. Reluctantly.

Perry wanted to know if I had found a place to stay yet. I told him I was going to move out by the end of the thirty day notice. He denied that he gave me specifically 30 days. Err, yeah, you did!  He told me I didn’t have to leave, he had been thinking. We could work something out. Uhm, There’s nothing to work out, it’s done! We’re Done. You wanted me out, I’m going to leave. What could you possibly want from me now? He told me he enjoyed my company, it was nice having someone around the house (really? Could’ve fooled me! Why then did you keep sending me off to random shopping sprees and Sh*t?). He told me how he appreciated how I cleaned up his house and made it feel like a home again. I brought him happiness when he had given up on the chance to ever be happy again. Blah dee blah dee blah, finish up so I can call my boyfriend back, you indecisive freak! Long Overdue! That was not the time for him to be getting all sentimental to me, I didn’t wanna hear it. I was good, thanks! I didn’t care.

He liked me, the dogs liked me, He wanted me to stay there longer and just help out with the bills. He wanted me to rent the room I was living in for $100 (R1 000) per month. That wouldn’t pay the house note or anything but would help pay the utilities. Uhm, again, I didn’t care! I laughed in his face and was like, “So you want ME to pay YOU  to live with you?” I mean, was he being for real? Must have been that green stuff he was smoking. Seriously! Don’t move me all the way from one coast to another and then tell me to rent from you. You want a tenant, go on Craig’slist, dude. Come on now! Don’t make your problems mine!

He went on and on about how I didn’t have anywhere else to go and he had two spare bedrooms and we got along, why not rent from him. Plus he was thinking of renting some of the rooms out but you never know what kind of tenants you’re gonna get, he already knew me, so why not me? Because definitely not me, fool! Leave me alone! What the heck? You’re ruining my appetite, I’m trying to make some breakfast here. Do you mind? I didn’t say THAT to him but It was written all over my face. Anyway, so that deal was off. I wasn’t gonna do that. What was I going to tell El? Oh and P.S. I’ve decided to stay with my ex! Plus with everything Perry put me through, changing the course of my life like that, he deserved nothing from me. The thought of withdrawing money from my bank to pay Perry for anything still makes me cringe. He wouldn’t stop talking, it’s like he was on a zone, he was desperate. “C’mon, gurl! Help me out here! I’m desperate here!” Whatever freak! I walked away, into my bedroom, back on the phone and talked to my boo boo.

A few days later, he came and knocked on my bedroom door. “Hey, Brook, are you sleeping? (not anymore, obviously!) I brought you some chocolates from my mom’s. Here! Have you thought about what I talked to you about?” No, Perry, there’s nothing to think about! Leave me alone!

A day or so later, same thing! He knocked on my door, It was Pringles that time. I told him I didn’t want any more of his snacks. If they were a bribe to get me to live with him after he kicked me out like I was some random homeless person, who was crashing in his house illegally! Heck no! He told me he left the Pringles in the kitchen for me, no strings attached but could I please consider his ‘offer’ cos I was never gonna get a better offer anywhere else. He also wanted to know where I was gonna go? Was I going back to Africa? New Jersey? Was I gonna move to LA? Had I found a place to rent just around the corner from him, what? Uhm, none of your business, dude? All you should concern yourself with is that you want me out and I’m going to move. Where I go, if anywhere specific, you should have thought of that before you kicked me out! What happens if I, hypothetically speaking, take you up on it and you kick me out again?

What happened to the reasons you were kicking me out? Don’t they stand anymore? Didn’t you tell me you couldn’t have anybody at the house while you were still going through the divorce, it’s still not final. What’s changed? Please! Make my day!

The Next Chapter

January 1^st 2013

It’s the new year, now what? I did talk to my family via Skype as they hit midnight in South Africa. Always nice to touch base with the most important people in my life. Perry was gone for two days, so I had the house to myself on New Year’s Day. I El was working. I basically spent the day at home, watching something or the other on line.

El and I had a talk, he told me about his family, his relationship with everybody. His brother who died ten years or so prior who was his life. He was the oldest and when their father died, he assumed the responsibility gladly. Apparently he was a good person and brother. His sister, who molested her when she was growing up. Apparently, growing up,  the sister always jumped at the opportunity to give El baths so she could touch him inappropriately. He was a mama’s baby, still was. He and his sister, apparently didn’t get along, (could’ve fooled me!), he was still hoarding resentment from the abuse from way back when. I don’t blame him. But they seemed pretty close to me, from the stories and how they spent all their time together. He and his brother, were both into cars, they were so close, they bought a house together in Lakewood, LA. They lived there for years until his  brother passed on. Apparently El had a good job then, managing a few stores. He buried his brother from his own pocket, something he was proud to do as they were so close. After the funeral, things went south for El. He was also in a relationship with this woman who is, apparently, a musicians. She has videos on Youtube that El wanted me to see. I refused  of course! Duh! They had a bad breakup, when he moved back, he took the first job he could get and that’s how he ended up in Sears. He always reminded me that that’s not where he belonged and those people didn’t appreciate what a gem he is and how he is worth way more than he is making there.

He asked me what my plans were now that it was time for me to move out of Perry’s. I told him, I was considering moving back to New Jersey. He wasn’t too chuffed with that idea.From our conversations, I asked him if his sister really had her own place or lived with them (he and their mome), he told me she was there almost all the time but had the van. He told me that his sister has had a rough life, was raped when she was young and has never got over it. She was in an abusive marriage with the father of her son, the actor nephew. She was also robbed and beaten up by a random dude somewhere in LA, those experiences and more, made her resent men. She hates them, but she loves women and will do anything for a girlfriend. She told me, she would love me and asked me to move in with them him.

He told me that because he had moved from a four bedroomed house, he still had a lot of stuff and not enough room for it in the two bedroomed apartment he now lives in but everything was in boxes and packed away nicely. He told me that he didn’t have space in his bedroom, but with my help, he was willing to make some. He asked me to do what an ex girlfriend failed to do, and help him sell some of the things to make space and also raise funds so he can finish his huge project of fixing his Vintage Dodge. His first car, it was around 40 years old or something. He had had it since he was 16 and had been renting storage for it since moving out of the big house he owned with his late brother. I was up for the challenge and excited to be moving to my favourite city in the whole wide world, LA.

Happy New Year!

El was in such high spirits after I gave him all the money I had in my wallet and then withdrew some from the ATM for him. He could care less! On our way back to San Diego, we drove past Disney Land. That was a nice surprise! I didn’t see that one coming, I took a few pictures. We didn’t stop though. The atmosphere was awkward in the car, only from my side though, partner here, couldn’t be bothered. He was glad he was going to buy his cart. He even made me call the lady to ask if it were still available. She didn’t pick up. I had to keep trying and trying. It’s like, dude, c’mon! First of all WTF? Where is your shame? Why do you have to keep pushing? Why don’t you have your own phone? Gosh!

We got stuck in Traffic forever. What should have taken us 2 hours, took us 7. I didn’t feel sorry for him one bit. I wasn’t in no rush, he had to work the following day, oh well, too bad, too sad. That’s what happens when you weird people out. We finally got hold of the lady, she gave us her address, El doesn’t have GPS in the car, I used my blackberry and we all know how much power GPS drains from the battery. We barely made it to the lady’s house and the thing died. The lady tried to make small talk asking where we were from etc, El gave her all the wrong information. I still don’t know why he did that, I never bothered to ask.

From there, we battled getting back to Perry’s. It was dark, we both didn’t know where we were. El was getting frustrated and started driving like a maniac. That was not how I wanted to die! I tried to calm him down, which I think made him feel like the Main Man and act up even more. I resorted to prayer. I said a never ending silent prayer. We finally made it, after stopping at a few gas stations (garages)  for directions. He dropped me off around the corner from the house. Kiss and good bye. He had another Two hours to drive back to LA, hopefully, without traffic. He made it! No traffic!

We stayed in touch, my time at Perry’s was running, remember the infamous 30 day notice he had given me? Yup! I was pressed for time! I was even thinking of going back to the East Coast. My Jamaican friend, who is such a sweetheart, told me her house was open for me whenever I needed a place to stay. I hope I never have to take her up on the offer though. She’s a good friend and I don’t want to mess it up by us living together. Well, she has a live-in position, she’s always at work, I would be alone at the apartment, but still. NO!

Perry, and I were still cordial towards one another. This one time, she told me I must be bored sitting in the house, all the time, he offered to drop me off at walmart. Oh Gosh , not another one of those forced trips to the mall again L. I didn’t want to argue, I just went along. He told me to take my time, blah blah blah. It’s walmart! What am I supposed to do in there? Buy more luggage sets that Elvis was going to diss?

He dropped me off and off he went, he was going to see a client, and had a few other errands he had to run. He didn’t have his Cellphone with him, so no matter what, I had to wait until he was back home for me to call him to come pick me up. He wanted to make sure I was going to be gone a while. I wandered about aimlessly trying to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I was sad. Sad someone could be that mean for no reason. He was lying, I wasn’t at the house all the time. I spent more time at the library than at the house. Anything to stay away from him. It had been raining those few days, so I wasn’t going to walk 30 mins one way to the library in the rain to use the internet which we had at the house. I went to the Dollar Tree (just like the 99 Cents store, only you pay a cent more), got myself some snacks and walked up the street to a park I saw on our way to Wal-Mart. People kept complimenting me on my boots, which was nice cos it put a smile on my face. If only they knew. I got to the park and found a spot with a bit of sunshine and had a little picnic for one. It was cold. I called my Jamaican friend, we talked on the phone for a while, then I walked around some more, then back to Wal-Mart. By the way, before Perry drove off, he wound down the window and told me to buy a few things for the house while at WAl-Mart. Someone drives you to the store without your consent, then forces you to buy groceries, what the heck’s wrong with this picture? I asked what he wanted me to buy I already had a list of things I was going to get for the house but he’s so smart, he told himself that I’m that useless. Even though everything I used in the use, I bought myself. It boggles my mind why people can never acknowledge the things I  (I’ll speak for myself) do. They act like you’re just sponging off them, when you don’t. So annoying! Anyway, he was like, “butter, coffee, bread, sugar, creamer......” I told him I have all those things on my list, anything else? Mind you, majority of those things are for him. I don’t drink warm beverages, he’s the coffee person, using a Coffee machine I bought him with my own money my first week there because The Ex took theirs, he was the one who was going to drink the coffee, with the creamer and sugar. I don’t use sugar and I don’t like eggs etc. But I humoured him, I even bought treats for his dogs.

When he came to pick me up, I had a cart (trolley) full of stuff, he got out, helped me. Then felt bad and told me I didn’t have to spend so much. Uhm, I did! This was all your idea Jass A**. One minute I am spending money on Elvis, the next on Perry, can a sista get a break? He was in such high spirits when we got back to the house. I wasn’t. Not really! I went straight to my room and talked to El on the phone for ever and felt better. He told me that he wanted to spend New Year’s together, he was then going to buy me a luggage set and give me my money back. I could’ve told him not to worry about refunding me but I wanted to see if he meant it. Even though I had already wrote the money off, I was going to learn a lot about him from whether he was going to pay me back or not.

Closer to New Year’s El got his work Schedule and he was going to be working that day and on New Year’s Day. He told me, I could take the train to LA, he was going to refund me. Yeah sure! I believed him. NOT. Plus, I wasn’t about to travel all the way to LA in hopes that he was going to pick me up at Union Station, he doesn’t have a Cellphone, I mean he has a landline, but what good is that? It’s a magic Jack, it only works when the computer is turned on. I didn’t really know where he lived, so what would’ve my backup plan been had he not shown up? I wasn’t willing to risk it.

I used to go for walks or go to the library and just tell Perry, I was going for a walk. When he, out of the blue mentioned the he knew I was seeing someone. I blatantly refused it, just for the heck of it!

Me:        What on earth would possess you to assume such a preposterous thing?

Him:       Well you went away for a few days around Christmas.

Me:        I went to the library.

Him:       Dressed like that?

Me:        Yup, why not? It was Christmas day!

Him:       But you stayed overnight?

Me:        So? It was a Christmas day special!

Him:       you’re messing with me

Me:        What about you? Are you seeing someone, Perry?

Him:       Who? Me? What? Why, Whaaat? Why are you asking me that?

Me:        hahahahaaaaaa

The dog’s had a birthday, well, their birthday’s are a day apart. One was adopted, so they just picked a random date as her birthday. Perry got an email from The Vet wishing one of the Dog’s a happy birthday, that’s how he remembered. He told me how the dogs love birthdays. We quickly went to Wal-Mart to get stuff for the party. We were going all out. I was excited, something different, you know? We got German Cake mix, Lots of meat, Perry told me how much the dogs love meat and cake, especially on their birthday, because, somehow, they know! Great! Let’s do it!

I was so hungry, I got us some chicken wings and potato wedges while in there, yumness! He got fire wood and all, it was gonna be a party up in there!

We got to the house, he started the fire (I can’t help think of Billy Joe’s song, we didn’t start the fire typing this J), and started baking.  It was dark and cold in San Diego that night. He played music outside, the dogs were hanging out by him as they always do. I remember Perry gave me a piece of meat to sample, The dogs were all over me like white on rice, I gave them both small pieces. He was like, “don’t give the dogs any meat! This meat is for us. They’re not getting any of it?” I was like, what in the heck is going on here? I thought this was the dogs’ party, how come we get to eat all their stuff, this can’t be fair! He asked me if I thought he went all the way to the store and went through all that trouble for dogs? He loved them bug not that much, I guess. He had told me they also love cake, but they got none of that. You bet I snuck them some when he wasn’t watching ;) 

New year’s eve came, Perry was invited over to his Rich Friend/ Partner’s Mansion for a barbecue (braai). He didn’t really want to go, he wasn’t feeling well, he had a lot of work blah blah blah, Go! Just go! Nobody wants to spend New Year’s eve with you! Get out of here! I said it more politely, of course. We went to Walmart, he bought me Red velvet cake mix and Oven Pizza. He knows how domesticated I am, He knew I wasn’t going to cook, so he got me easy to fix stuff. You should’ve seen him work me through how to prepare everything, even though they all had directions on the box, sweet J

He packed an overnight bag and was out. I couldn’t wait! That month, I’d been obsessively watching Serial Killer Documentaries (and Friends). I brought the dogs inside the house, locked up and watched Some Scary stuff. There’s this one, he was Italian, they couldn’t prove he was the murderer so they had to film him. I remember watching a real video of him stalk a woman in the bushes. It was in broad daylight! He parked his car, and “went for a walk” in some deserted park/bushes. This woman was walking through the area, serial killer dude, hid behind trees and literally stocked him. The thought that she wasn’t aware that someone was out there planning to kill her creeped the living daylights out of me! He had what looked like a laptop bag with him with a change of clothes. More like his murder kit, balaclava, gloves, etc. Anyway, my point is, when I saw that, got up to get some water from the kitchen and saw the Canyon which was literally out back yard, I died! I was like, what if there’s someone out there coming for me. If I looked close enough, I could see him, I tell you! It was too late to talk to anyone back home, in South Africa, so I had to suck it up. There are no blinds or curtains at the back, facing the canyon. Gosh, what to do! What to do! I brought the dogs in my bedroom, I was so convinced I was going to be serially killed that night haha. I don’t even scare easily! Do you think I stopped watching? The more scared I got, the more thrilling the shows were, I wasn’t about to stop!The dog started barking non stop, I could swear it knew something. All of a sudden, I got all superstition, I remembered how they said bitches (or female dogs ) can tell when there’s a bad spirit around, oh Lordy. How I wished those dogs could talk that night! In fact, it wasn’t even night time yet, it must have been around four in the afternoon but it was so quiet!

Early evening, I baked my red velvet and pizza and had some for dinner with the dogs ;)

I finally changed channels and watched Friends cos I was killing myself. Later on, El got off work, he called me. We stayed on the phone until the New Year. It was lovely!

Getting Mugged in LA

After the Universal Studios Tour, we were both nice and hungry. He told me he wanted to take me to his favourite burger place ever. I didn’t care what, where, why or when, I was up for it! We drove through the city, and stopped at Original tommy’s Burger place. El was raving about the place, I couldn’t wait to try the burgers out. He told me to wait in the car while he went to grab us some. He brought back two Double doubles (double cheese, double patties), fries, their fries, OMG! He also brought us choc chip cookies, we had soda in the car. We sat in the car in the parking lot, eating and talking. He was telling me stories of how he grew up and more stories on the sister. It was a nice way to end such an amazing day. It was cold outside, you could tell it was winter, even though, it was warm all through the day. Tommy’s burgers are to die for, he was right! You can google them, they are listed amongst the best burgers in LA.

From there, we headed back to the hotel. So when we checked out from the hotel that morning, he went to the office and complained about the “racist incident”. Whether that really happened or not, well, the jury is still out on that. They gave him a voucher to use at any of their chain hotels. He brought it back with him, together with a huge smile on his face. I didn’t know how I felt about that. This white man crying racism, accusing a black man for it, something about it just wasn’t sitting right with me. His voucher had the name Matthew on it. As we drove off, I noticed that, and asked him if his other name was Matthew. He told me it wasn’t. I was like then how are you going to claim this voucher if it has somebody else’s name on it. He told me not to worry about it. He would sort it out. OK then, we had just pulled off, he could just make a U-Turn and have it fixed once and for all. Anyway, that night, nice and full from Tommy’s Burgers, we went to get more soda, and drove around LA some more. We also drove past his apartment block, it was nice that he showed it to me, but what would have been nicer would have been to be invited in. Seeing as I was already in LA, but I didn’t want to be pushy. It’s downtown LA, less than a minute away from Staples Centre. You know, where they always have big Basketball games and stuff, also near the Nokia theatre #surreal

We went to a different location of the same hotel, he told me to wait in the car while he was checking us in. After waiting forever, he came back sad faced and told me they couldn’t accept the voucher because, you guessed it! IT HAD A WRONG NAME on it! Duh! Rocket Science? I think not! He asked if I would mind if he were to take me back to San Diego that night. That was really weird. I didn’t know how to take that. I mean I’m not going to tell this man that I don’t want to go home, I wanna spend one more night with him. Who does that? But at the same time, what??????? It was after ten pm. We had planned to spend two night together. What the heck was going on? What if that guy hadn’t been racist? How would he have paid for the second night? I knew something was fishy from the beginning. I hope that his racist accusations didn’t lose that poor man his job. Anyway, I told him to do whatever he wanted, what was I going to say? He apologised profusely and then drove around some more. Talk about ruining the moment!

He asked me to google something on my phone, I couldn’t because my phone battery had died during my photo spree at the Studios earlier on. He should have had his own Cellphone. How does this guy not see that a Cellphone is necessary at this day in age? We found a hotel, he went in, paid and checked us in. He told me he was going to fight those people for his voucher. Do you think I cared? No prizes for guessing. I was ready to lay down. Remember, I hadn’t had enough sleep the night before from his snoring. Shower, bed, snoring, no sleep for me once more, AWESOME! I dozed on and off and was so ready for morning.

Remember, he had promised to buy me a nice suitcase set and return my cheap walmart one? The night before, I had posted something on Facebook about the Tommy’s burgers we had , one of my Facebook friends, told me to try out In ‘n Out burgers as well. I mentioned that to Elvis, he told me it was in the cards, so that’s where we went for branch the following morning. You can google that too, it’s also in the top burger places in LA. They were great! The fries weren’t as addictive as Tommy’s.  I paid for the burgers. We went to the 99 cents store and grabbed a few things, some snacks for the road and tons of Diet Pepsi, I paid, he insisted he wanted to but I mean, it’s the 99 cents store, how expensive can the stuff be if every item is 99 cents each? From there, we went to Sears to look for Suitcases. When we got there, he asked me which ones could I afford? Say what? I have a luggage set, thank you’re the one who has a problem with where I bought it. He hadn’t even seen my set then. Anyway, I looked around and told him I didn’t see anything I liked. WTF? He told me he was going to use his stuff discount, but I would have to pay for them myself. I was like no thanks dude, I’m good!

After Sears, we went to the Gas station, when we got there, he told me he felt weird asking me that, but he had a favour to ask me. I had a feeling I was going to feel weird hearing it as well. I asked him if he had to cos I felt weird he felt weird. He said yeah he had to. He asked me to lend him some money WHAT THE BLEEP! What kind of middle aged man is this? It’s like I’m paying him back for all the fun stuff he paid for the previous day. Or better yet, we were going Dutch! I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with that. He told me he was going to pay me back as soon as he got paid. He was planning for us to spend New Year’s Eve together, he would pay me back then or do a direct deposit into my account. It’s not the same, dude! You just do do that! He wanted $70! (R700). I mean if I had known of the jerkery he was about to pull, I never would have paid for breakfast and the snacks. I knew there and the that that wasn’t a loan, I was giving him the money. My thing about people borrowing money, is either give it to them as in here, it’s yours or don’t ‘lend’ it to them cos you ain’t getting it back!

I asked him what he wanted to do with the money that was so urgent. He wanted to buy a cart (trolley). You know those flat four-wheeled carts? He wanted one for....wait for it.... when,, one day he has his music business, he can use it to transfer his equipment, from the truck to stage. WWHHHAAATTTT? You wanna spend my money on a fantasy that may or may never get fulfilled, what the heck is this? He told me there was one for Sale in San Diego. He wanted to buy it on his way to dropping me off. Anyway, he took me to the ATM while we were still talking about it. And asked me to withdraw the money. Wow, what an a**. Is this guy being for real right now, I kept wondering to myself. I withdrew it and wrote it off as on my first trip to LA, I got mugged. I wasn’t going to ask for it back and judging from the way he was acting, he was never going to give it back. I told him, I hope he at least felt uncomfortable asking me for money, he told me he didn’t, we’re a couple and it shouldn’t matter, we should help each other. Wow! What a fcked up view of relationships, we just met a**-hole!

He got his money, and the entire weekend was a joke as far as I was concerned from then on. I think  El’s a cheapskate, from the whole racism stunt he pulled with that poor guy at the hotel, just to get discount at the hotel. Budget for your sht dude, don’t be robbing people to get by, not cute! Not cute at all!  #99CentStore

Welcome to Los Angeles

El asked where I wanted to go in LA. I was and always am game for whatever, I like to be surprised and am all about spontaneity. We checked out, he dragged our matching suitcases, we headed for the car. LA, here we come! It was a beautiful morning, the sun was out as in any other day in Southern California. We left Orange county and headed for the City of Angels. You couldn’t wipe the smile off my face if you tried! I was falling more and more in love with El, just for allowing himself to be the instrument though which my dreams were being made to come true. Perry made lots of promises but he couldn’t fulfil one of them. And none of them were in LA, which is only a two hour drive from San Diego. It wasn’t a competition but Perry had an opportunity and he messed it up because he was so caught up in things he had no control over. I hope I am never ever that kind of person. To never live for the moment.

WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES! F*ck me! If you’re my friend on Facebook, you may have seen an influx of pictures of the City around Christmas day. I was too happy not to post. Normally, I don’t state where I am until I blog about it so as not to spoil it, but LA is LA, I had to! He asked me what I felt like having for lunch, I was PMSing and had all kinds of cravings. He suggested we went to Hometown Buffet, great choice! The smile on my face, the entire time! Just before we walked in, a couple that was ahead of us, an older Gentleman and a younger exotic looking woman, the man held the door open for us, and smiled at me. I thought that was sweet. When we got to the cash register, he offered to have us use his pensioner’s card for discount. We weren’t allowed to. Just as well. Who was cheap food at a discounted rate? Before you know it, they were going to have to pay us to eat it! Not my idea of a date.

I had all kinds of meat, from Beef to Pork to chicken to sea food and cake for desert. El had a healthy, green dish, good for him! I’d have had more, if I weren’t on a date with someone I didn’t know that well. From there, he took me to his favourite store ever; the 99 Cents Only Store! Where as you may have guessed it, everything is 99 Cents only! We grabbed some Diet Pepsi, El’s fave Soda. When we got to the cash register, (or Till), the lady recognised him, apparently he sold her and her husband a TV set a month prior (and she still remembered him, HANDS OFF B*TCH, HE’S MINE!). J

He then took me to a shoe store, and asked the assistant to help me find matching comfortable shoes because we were going to do a lot of walking. SCORE! It’s been a while since a guy did that for me. I was over the moon. He sat aside while I chose a pair. I put them on immediately. I still didn’t quite know where we were going to spend the day, mind you?

Perry who?

While we were driving, I had my cameras in hand, snapping away. I saw the Hollywood Sign, OOOHHH MMMMMYYYY GOOOOSSHHHH, Are you kidding me right now?!?!?!?!? I could’ve died! I was in LA for sure! I tried taking a picture but we were on the Freeway, there was no time to stop. When we got off the Freeway, he asked me to trust him, I was so in love that moment, I could trust him to take my own life! We drove around until, boom! The sign again, Whoooo hoooo! So nice of him to do that for me! I snapped until I couldn’t snap anymore! #Happiness

From there, we kept driving, for me seeing the street signs I always hear about in TV shows, news and songs was a very surreal experience, Hollywood Boulevard, Sunset Boulevard, the works. As we were driving, I saw a sign <<<< UNIVERSAL STUDIOS . Of Course I took pictures. He told me stories of when he was young and he and his friends would park outside the premises and walk all the way up to the studios and gallivant there all day. I can’t imagine how it must have been like growing up in my favourite city in the World.

Before I knew it, we were at the Gate at Universal, WHAT! I couldn’t believe it!  Me, here, now!?

He paid Entrance fee and voila! We found parking, and walked in, hand in hand, I couldn’t have been more in love with him, than I was that day! At least that’s what I thought. We browsed around, the entire place, well as much as we could. The place is huge! Everything is huge and exaggerated. I would recommend that If you are ever to visit LA, do yourself a favour and check it out. They still had Christmas decorations, seeing as Christmas was only the previous day. He got us Tickets to The Terminator Show. Wildest show I have ever seen! The thing was on 4D plus it had live actors! As if that was not enough, we, the audience were part of the show too, what!!!!!!! Yup!

They gave us out 4D glasses, we awaited our turn. While we were still in the foyer, they told us a bit about the Terminator’s mission. Then we went in, took our seats and the show started on the screen,3D or 4D, who knows anymore, whenever there was water splashing on the screen, some of it sprinkled on us, I was like,am I imagining this? Then while they were fighting, someone would break though the screen and come out of the screen, literally, and run in between us, What the heck! It was way to cool! You’d have to see it to get what really happens, I don’t have words. They even made out seats shake when the ground was shaking on screen, I mean, our hearts were beating fast throughout the show. What an experience!

I came out of there, like whoa! That on it’s own was enough to take my breath away, but that wasn’t all. As we were walking around, we saw movie memorabilia, like Mr. Bean’s green Mini Cooper? Yup, it was parked on the side of the road, in their Little London Town. Snap, snap, snap! I saw a vampire, took a picture with him, he covered me up in his cape and bit my neck, rrrrrrr. He smelled good too! I didn’t want him to let me go! Sorry El. I took pictures with Shrek, etc  etc etc. Then we went for a ride around the different film sets. I can’t remember all the movie names but as we are touring on the bus, the guy was showing us the sets and the scenes would play on a tv screen in the bus, too cool! Do you remember the movie, Psycho? We saw the house, the car and Him, or somebody putting a body in the trunk (boot) of a car outside the house. Creepy! We drove on Wisteria Lane, what! They showed us which house was whose and all that, it was fantastic! I love me some Desperate Housewives. It was unreal to be on Wisteria Lane.

There were streets of New York, Canada, London, you name it, right there. Nicole Kidman’s movie Dead Calm was filmed there as well, I think. JAWS! So here’s what happened with the whole Jaws thing, they told us about it, I was sitting on the far right side of the bus right by the window, only it was a “convertible” bus so there were half walls and no windows, we drove over a bridge, they literally made it rain on us and then boom, the shark was coming for us, it stopped just before it got to me. It came out of nowhere, I was like flipping hell, what’s next. It was such a thrilling experience! You have no idea! The bus was shaking, I thought we were going to tip over and get bitten by sharks. Fast and the Furious? Same story! They cause a wreck while we were watching and then the cars went on fire, it was real fire, or not, I don’t know but we felt the heat on the bus! Insane!

By the time we were done with out tour, it had got dark and cold outside. Good thing I had my sweater because El’s Leather Jacket never would have fitted me. He wanted us to do more stuff but changed his mind, he didn’t want me to freeze to death. I didn’t care. I was on the roll, Go gO GO!

P.S. Pictures will follow when I have faster internet xoxo

I think he's dead... El! Wake up!

Is this even the same guy as the guy I had been talking to? Is he a criminal? What if he’s not even who he says he is, All these thoughts ran through my mind, too late, I was already in the car. He seemed nervous. Which could be a good thing or a bad thing. We drove off. I would’ve been excited to finally be united with him if I were not totally freaked out.

 He had a Cars (the rock band) T-shirt, a black leather jacket, and blue levi’s Jeans on. He looked alright, he just didn’t quite look like the guy in the pictures. He looked more like a blown up version of that guy. While I was still battling these thoughts, trying to calm down the voices in my head, he grabbed my hand and stuck it in his mouth. What the ffffffffff---? Is what I said, in my already so confused head but on the outside, I smiled and went, rrrrrrrrr. Whew!  I mean who does that? Whatever happened to hey, Brook, nice to finally meet you? Or kiss the back of my hand, what the heck are you doing munching on my hand? You never even told me you were in to that. You had ample time to warn me about this, dang it!

Los Angeles, here I come! Or not, depending on what this weirdo has in store for me! Gosh, good things only, I hope! Happy birthday Jesus! He explained to me that there were no phones on the way, that’s why he didn’t call. Really? I wonder why there are no public phone every other traffic  light in The United States of America in 2012, mhhh! #wondering. He turned around, looked me in the eye and went, “could you have put on more perfume?” WHAT? Are you kidding me right now? Who says that to someone they just met? Ugh, #TurnOff

I was fighting really hard to find things I liked about the guy now that he was here, he was a real person, I was on the way to another county with him, I had to think of something. I had to make it work. We talked and talked, after the ice was broken, it wasn’t so bad in there.

I remember talking to him about hygiene, some time over the phone, he told me he recently had his teeth cleaned because he has dental insurance (tmi), the dentist gave him a new tooth brush, which was special in so many ways blah. When I saw the guy, his teeth didn’t look like he had had them cleaned in a minute (read: very long time). They looked like he brushed them, just maybe not that day or something. Man, how am I going to handle this! I love to kiss like any red blooded female out there but I refuse to kiss someone with teeth filled with tartar, no, I ain’t no teeth cleaner. What am I supposed to do with all that once it’s transferred from your mouth to mine? Come on dude, have some self respect! Mine were pure white, you know when you use the extra whitening toothpastes and then wear red lipstick. The right shade of red will make the whiteness of your teeth pop. And I don’t drink coffee, tea, wine or anything really. I pride myself in how nice and glossy and white my teeth are.

It was a nice drive to LA, short too. Must because we didn’t really go to LA. I saw, welcome to ORANGE COUNTY! I was so excited cos I’m such a real housewives fan! Gretchen is my favourite of the RHOC, mainly because she always tweets back J. I was so psyched to know I could possibly be in the same County as her, don’t judge me, I have my moments! We found nice parking and he went, ok, I want my kiss. I thought fck! Smiled and puckered up. Come on, I want more than that! Sht! I went for the one on tv. The dry, wet kiss. Smiled and rushed for the door. I was hungry too. He got out of the car and didn’t look that much different from the pictures, I guess poor thing gained weight in his face. He is tall! I still he had brushed his teeth one more time before embarking on his journey to moi!

We walked hand in hand to the restaurant. Perry who?

We found a table, the place was packed. He told me I was beautiful. You bet I am! Haha, I never said that, I would never say that. He ordered Rice and salmon, it was delish, a little pepperish. I had beef stroganoff, I wish it came with rice, but I had to have noodles with it. I hadn’t had Rice in a while, Perry didn’t know how to cook it, so we didn’t have any. El fed me from his plate, then had some of mine AND then he looked me in the eye and went, “next time let me order for you”. WTF!

After that, we drove around to the hotel where we asked me to wait for him in the car while he cheked in. WHAT? A hotel? I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT, he’s married to that sister woman! What an a** hole! What a waste of my time! He came out ages later, complaining about how racist those people are. At least the guy who helped him. Apparently he looked at him some kind of way (American English ;)) when he saw that he was with me. I was like but I wasn’t in there with you! How could he have known I am with you? I didn’t care, The guy was black by the way. We drove around the back of the hotel where our room was, parked, he carried my bags for me and we got in. It was freezing in orange county! We got settled. Anchorman, the movie was playing on tv, he seemed to enjoy that. He knew every line of the script. Not cool, El, not cool!

He asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I had to pass, it was cold outside, I was ok just chilling in the room and watching Anchorman. We had to pay extra for internet, he was willing to do it, but It wasn’t that important. We laid in bed and talked, just light stuff, nothing hectic. Until he dozed off and snored like I never heard anybody or animal snore before in my entire life. I jumped up, woke him up and was like, I think you’re uncomfortable, you’re snoring. He said, “oh yeah, I thought I told you about my snoring.” You told me you snore, but you didn’t tell me you snored like this! He told he meant to bring me ear plugs cos it’s really bad. Ya think? I stayed up while he snored the night away. He would alternate between snoring, actually, I should google it, I’m sure there’s a name for that noise. Between that and dying for a few seconds, literally stopping breathing and BOOM! Snore again, really loud! I would wake him up, tell him, I thought he died there for a second. He acted surprised, come on, you’re fifty years old and you don’t know that you die and reincarnate in your sleep! Don’t give me that!

The following morning, I was so freaked out about the whole sleep apnoea thing that I brought it up again. I asked if he ever saw someone about it. He told me he dated a woman who was a nurse, she made good money and wouldn’t buy him a certain watch he wanted. It’s not that he couldn’t afford the watch but he wanted her to buy it for him because of everything he had done for her.... I was thinking to myself, back on track El, why are we still sulking about the ex, let’s get back to the subject at hand, the sleep apnoea! Anyway, the nurse told him that it’s normal. Whatever! That’s not normal, trust me.

I went out for breakfast by myself while he was still in bed, he gave me money to go grab myself something because, “El sleeping! Sleeping El...” He kept saying that. So I thought not to disturb him, it’s not like he slept all night, snoring and kept me awake, right? Right! I grabbed breakfast, and went back to the hotel, it poured rain on my way back, good thing I had the jacket he had given me on. He had picked up from our conversations that I didn’t have warm, winter clothes. He then brought me a jacket that was too big on him (cos he was thin IN HIS HEAD). Anyway, I appreciated the gesture. He also brought me a cute suit case, carry on size, that was part of a set he had. He gave it to me and told me he wanted us to start having matching, good quality stuff, daddy wasn’t gonna let me walk around with the cheap luggage set I bought at Wal-Mart. He told me to take care of that and keep the receipts, he was going to return it, pay extra and buy me a better quality set from Sears. One of his back handed nice things to say. Part of that is sweet cos he is offering to do something nice (well, it’s potentially sweet, cos it’s still a promise, who knows if he’s going to deliver or not), another part is that he is dissing a set I bought myself, with my own hard earned cash at Wal Mart, you know what I mean? I feel like there’s always a better way to approach things than his way. Maybe it’s just me.

We had a busy day ahead, time to hit LA b*tches! I was so psyched :)