Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Can You Say Xhosa?

Of course, I never called nor texted to check if he got home alright. Why should I? He knows where he lives, he's lived there longer than he's known me. Why am I checking up on a 45 year old man? N word please!

I started looking at job opportunities and accommodation options in Vegas, getting myself ready for the move. I was excited! Something to look forward to! I told Carly that I was going to move out. She was really cool about it! She started looking for a new apartment as well. Like me, She didn't want to room again. She wanted to live downtown LA, she always has. She says she loves the architecture over there. I don't blame her. It's pretty over there, also, it's downtown, so it's pretty central no matter where you need to go. She was always looking for a job, a second job. When she first moved in, she had told me that her dad was paying her rent and that she moved to LA to pursue modeling and go to school. In the two months that I roomed with her, I gave her modeling links that I got from my friends and she never followed up on any of them. She kept asking me the same thing, she would ask for the contact details more than once. I eventually deleted them and told her to save them. If she didn't, she should please not ask me the same thing again. Geez!

She was on the phone all day, everyday, applying for jobs, 'Hi, is the hiring manager available?' I would even tease her with that line. She told me she wasn't sure what she wanted to do at school. She has always wanted to be an Architect but she loves to help people. I was like, wait, what exactly do you mean by that? I mean this chick is one of the most arrogant people I know. I don't know why she thought she is down to earth and loves to help people. She told me she's always been that person, she will give someone the shirt off her back. I still don't get what she meant by that, but moving right along... Also if she's such a person helper, help me clean up the mess after yourself! Charity does begin at home after all, doesn't it? She also wants to be some kind of a designer, she would love to be an interior decorator. I tried to help her make some of the decisions and also told her instead of going where the money is, she needs to do something she loves, the money will automatically follow. I don't think she was ready to register for anything. She was so excited with the possibilities to make money there and then that anything else would follow. I told her that getting two full time jobs was going to take time away from the main reasons she moved there, school and modeling. Like, when was she gonna have the time? She started crying, you know that deep belly cry? I was like are you ok, girl? Why are you crying? I genuinely wanted to know which part of what we were talking about brought her to tears. When she was done crying, I asked her when her period was due. She told me she wasn't sure. It started that night. I told her, to watch the hormones, they can mess you up and make you extra emotional. I know from experience. I have broken up with boyfriends because of the emotions that come with pms. It has gotten to the point where I try to distance myself from the people who don't quite know me before my period, because they will think that that's who I truly am. Some 'men' don't care, they will get emotional right there with you, in fact, they will outPMS you! You be like, boo, do you have a vagina too? What The hell!!!!!!

Chris texted me day after we met. He wanted to know if he could call me. If you're gonna call, call, if you're gonna text, text. Please don't ask for permission. This is redundant. 'Permission to approach the bench, you're honor?' this is not court. Seriously! He called first thing in the morning. It couldn't have been urgent. I hardly know the guy! I picked up anyway, intending to keep it short. He stutters some. Every time he picks up the phone, he goes, 'ha ha haha, ha, hi, Brook' I wish he would stop at the first ha. But then, I also wish I were skinny and married to a 6ft5 tall guy with blue eyes and long dark hair. Now what? He was so excited! He told me that he got me a job. I never told this guy I was unemployed! Apparently,  talked to his pastor who owns a bakery that is right next door to his Chinese church. He wants me to go for an interview. He says he told him that I am a good friend of his from South Africa, South Africa, South Africa. The pastor is excited to meet me. I thought to myself, you're nuts if you think even if I were unemployed, I would take this job! Like I want to work right next door to the church you go to all the time, so that I can be trapped behind the counter for you to come and use and abuse me. I'd be dammed! Plus, the pastor will expect me to go to church too, maybe that's going to be part of the contract.

Chris had invited me to his church. He told me he gets picked up by noon, to be ready around the same time, they would pick me up blah blah blah blah, nobody cares! I told him, sorry, I wasn't interested and asked him never to invite me to church again. This guy sure is intelligent for someone who is not! he has a way of coming up with the best plans that at first glance may seem like nothing, or even as if they are going to benefit you when really it's all about him. I told him that, I wasn't going to talk too long on the phone, let's continue via text. I was sick of his voice. There's something about that guy that makes people wish him dead. I feel sorry for him, can you imagine if you were repelling people? That's the worst! No amount of Chinese Church going will fix that for him. Maybe if he toned down the talking and the spitting. Maybe! He told me that he talked to his other friend who own a restaurant. They are Ethiopian, they love Africans. They are very nice people, they will hire me, if I am willing to meet up with them. I told him that's very nice, but I will have to think about it. He said he was looking for his old roommate's number, he wants to ask him for his ex boss' number. He will talk to that boss, the boss was from Nigeria and they are in good terms. He was going to ask him to hire me as well. I said,ok, that's it! I only just met you and you've told everyone about me! Please stop telling your people about me! I never asked you to help me find a job. I appreciate the gesture but I feel so overwhelmed right now! This is ridiculous! He told me he knows what it's like when someone is new in the States, he's been in my shoes. I'm like what shoes? You don't know anything about me! You are too self involved to learn anything about me. You just want to make yourself feel better by hooking me up with a job, something I will probably have to pay for for the rest of my life. No thanks, Chris!

He told me he knows people that can help me with accommodation. I was like is this dude high? I have a job AND a place to stay! What makes him think I was destitute? He had told me in one of those first meeting, I think the very first time we met, that he had been homeless for six years when he was sleeping on the bus. He was working in construction. I asked him why he was homeless, construction workers make a lot of money. More money than some office jobs. He wasn't listening, he just wanted to indulge in self pity, he went on about how Mexican guys were so mean to him. They called him Gorilla, they used to abuse him physically and verbally. I am surprised they never abused him sexually, he sure sounds like he was molested. With all due respect to survivors of sexual abuse. He has also told that when he was in South Africa, he had only slept with one woman. I don't know how much he had to pay that woman or if it was really a woman, the jury is still out on that. he was 30 years old when he moved to The US.

While we were at El Pollo Loco, he told me, out loud, in front of all those diners that he finds it hard to find a woman, even if it's just someone to have sex with . "That's why I just pleasure myself. When I say pleasure myself, I mean masturbate. It's better to masturbate. It's better to masturbate. It's better to masturbate" As they say in Afrikaans, Here, help my! (Lord help me!) What kind of over sharing is that? I don't want to hear that from someone I met three days prior! I don't wanna hear that from him EVER!

After a number of days, he texted me again and asked when he could arrange for me to meet his pastor. I told him that that won't work as I am moving to Vegas. He asked me if he can come visit me. I told him I hadn't even moved yet, I don't know what my living arrangement will be like in Vegas, so I can't tell yet, let me first move before you suffocate me with your demands! He told me that if I had extra things that I didn't want to take with me or couldn't, I could store them at his place. I was welcome to come spend weekends or a couple of days at his place when I have moved. I thanked him for his offers, and thought maybe I will take him up on the storage one. We met up a couple weeks before my move. By then, I was already living off my suitcase cos the wardrobe was kaput. He wanted to have lunch, well, he wanted to spend the entire day together, he arranged that we meet early. I told him I was packing, I was going to be available for a couple of hours that afternoon. I would also like to have a look at his place and see if and where I would be able to store my stuff. We went to a Sushi restaurant down the road from his place. He speaks some Korean, Japanese, French, English, Zulu, Sotho, Xhosa, that I know of. Oh and some Spanish. This restaurant has Japanese and Korean staff. I think they know him. I could tell by how they rolled their eyes as soon as we walked in. #oops.

He greeted them in some foreign language, they forged a smile and asked if they could help with anything. I needed to use the restroom, so I quickly told him what I was going to have and told him I would be right back. He was like, wait, wait Brook, wait Brook, wait Brook! Mam, may I please have the key to your restroom? Then he looked at me and told me that here in America, they don't say toilet, they say restroom. Then he looked at the ladies and told them that I am his friend from South Africa, we are from South Africa, South Africa. My friend is Xhosa, Can you say Xhosa? Xhosa! Xho-sa, can you say Xhosa? One of the ladies rolled her eyes and helped the next customer. The other one looked at me, I shrugged and asked for the toilet key. She told me they don't lock the toilet. Chris interrupted and asked her where the toilet is. I would have been embarrassed but why should I? I'm not the one acting an impatient, forward fool.

I went to the restroom, when I got back, before I could utter a word, Chris, who was still standing by the counter, said, 'I haven't ordered yet. I wanted to wait for you! I wanted to wait for you! I wanted to wait for you!' I asked why he wanted to wait for me, I had told him what I wanted. He told me he knows I did but he though he would wait for me in case that's not what I wanted. He asked me to take my time and make my choice. I tell ya, I was dying! My insides were turning! This is the guy that will ruin your appetite all day, everyday. Can you imagine! He asked me if I wanted to eat at the restaurant or take the food home. I told him I wanted to take it home. My home. By myself. I was ready to go. While we were waiting for the food. I told him let's sit. I didn't want to be in front of those ladies anymore. I felt bad for them.

He told me he was thirsty. He got up. There's a water cooler right by the counter with paper cups and napkins. It's obviously a self service situation. But not to Chris! He waited until someone was available to help him. He stood right in front of the water and the cups and asked them for water. He tried to say it in Japanese or Korean, who knows? They rolled their eyes and pointed at the water cooler. I was dying. He got himself some water, then came back to the table. We waited what felt like forever for the food. Simple because of the person I was with. He came closer, (I moved further), he tried whispering and pointed at an Asian lady across the restaurant. There are mirrors on the restaurant walls so the lady could see us. Even if she couldn't, what about other patrons who can see this strange man pointing at this poor woman. I was like, OMG don't point! Don't ever point! He said, oh okay, then went on to tell me that he has a crush on that girl. He though she was beautiful. I said, why don't you go tell her? He said, well she has a ring on but that has never stopped women. Women are very promiscuous, they sleep with other men on the side, even though the are married. I said, please, enough of this offensive talk. Try and be quiet until we leave. They called our order, we were out of there.

He went on and on on the way to his place. I lost it! I told him he needs to not talk for a while, I had had enough of his spitting. I even asked him if people don't tell him that he spits A LOT hen he talks. He just said, oh ok. We got to his place. It was my first time.He showed me around. He also asked me if it looks clean. He knows it does. He told me he cleans for four hours every Thursday. You know, because I need to know that. He showed me all his storage space. He has ample. I was happy about that. I told him, I had to head back, he asked me to sit and eat with him. He was literally standing on top of me, telling me how to eat Sushi, and how to dip shrimp into dip, as if I don't know that. I covered up the food and asked him to please walk away before he spat all over it, because if he talks while he is on top of me, he will spit on the food and I will throw it all away and he will have wasted his money. He said, oh ok. That's what I like about you, you are very upfront. I told him, soon he will hate the very thing he thinks he likes about me. I mean, how can you say you like that someone is being rude to you in your own home? He was lying, just sucking up.

He talked and spat on the food, I asked if she wanted it because I was no longer going to eat it. He told me he has his own food. I threw it away. Then I used that awkward moment to leave. He walked me out. Fck, there's no winning! He begged me to order something from another restaurant on our way to the bus stop. I told him, it was really ok, because he was going to spit on that too, so what's the point. He wouldn't let it go, until we went in there. I ordered some chicken, then he said let's sit there and eat. Fuck, I'm getting a headache just going over this. Do you have a headache yet? We sat there. I had ordered three small chicken pieces, and two sides. He tried to cover up his mouth as he was talking. Literally! And I could see he wanted me to praise him for doing that for me. No, dude! Nobody is going to give you an award for something that we are all expected to do. You don't spit on people! That's a thing! You're not getting a star on Hollywood's walk of fame because you managed to not spit on me for 2 seconds. He kept saying, see, I covered up my mouth so I don't spit on you. I asked if he wanted to make a bet. He told me he's a Christian, he doesn't make bets. Plus, he has a lot of money in the bank, it wouldn't be fair on me for us to make a bet, I wouldn't afford to pay him. Can I get a Hahahahaha?

I timed him. Within the first 20second, I saw a big drop of spit escape his mouth, flying in slow motion onto my beans. It was so big, it probably had a reflection of the entire restaurant. Soon as it landed.I told him, I'm done! I threw the food away. Sorry mom, I know there are starving kids in Ethiopia, but Even they wouldn't want to eat Chris' spit drenched food. I said, let's go! He said, oh, I am so sorry Brook. I feel so bad. I don't think you care about my feeling, why are you doing this to me? You can see I'm trying. I told him I can, and I appreciate it, but that doesn't mean I should eat spit. How about my wishes of not having him spit on me? He told me it's a problem he was born with. I said, well, I can't help you there. All you have to do is slow the fck down and swallow in between words. It can't be that hard. Outside the restaurant, I bade him farewell. He asked if he could come help me pack. I told him that wouldn't be an idea (because I can't stand his ass and have been trying to get away from him since we meet), because I need to know where I have put things, especially seeing as I wasn't taking everything with me. He told me he would ask be before he put things away where I wanted them.I mean why is this dude insisting on coming to touch my underwear? Yuck! I told him that would be a waste of time and where was he gonna sit? There is no room for guests and I didn't want my roommate to come home and find him sitting on her bed. She came up with all kinds of ideas. I thought you know what, this one you ain't gonna win, Lucky Number Seven! He's so used to ramming himself down people's throats, he expected to come on top in that one too. No pun intended :). I wasn't going to have him come to my place at all. It was not gonna happen!

Halfway to the bust stop, he told me he has a secret he would like to tell me. I looked at him and he looked scary. There was a look I couldn't describe in his face. I though he was going to tell me he killed the last person who said no to him. I asked if it could wait, I didn't want to miss the bus. He told me it couldn't. Fck! He Came close (I moved away), he tried to whisper that he has a problem. He gets really depressed, and when he does, He feels like killing himself. he didn't feel like being alone that day. He thought we were going to spend the day together, please can he come home with me.I told him, that wasn't a secret. A lot of people get depressed. I had a lot I needed to do at home. I really needed to go home. I ran towards the bus stop, he was side by side with me. I asked where he was going. He told me he would take me as far as the bus stop. As soon as we got there, the bus arrived. Thank you stars! He asked if I had a bus pass. I told him, I did. He got on the bus with me. Whew!

I asked where he was going. He told me he was going to come back with the next bus. He wanted to spend more time with me. I thought to myself, I might have to come up with another plan for my stuff. This ain't gonna work! I need to cut ties. On the bus, he came close and was telling me about a woman that has been using him for sex. I was like, seriously, Chris, I can't right now! He wouldn't stop. He told me that the girl taught him how to perform oral sex. You know that was not for his F*cking benefit. The girl was trying was trying to get her some, that's all! He spent a lot of money on that African American woman, who won't work but lives in a nice neighborhood. Apparently, she's in West Hollywood. She uses man, blah blah blah, she's a slut, no, she's not a slut, she's a whore, she's a whore, she's a whore. I said, that's rude and disrespectful. How dare you speak ill of the only person who will get your ass laid? You should worship the ground this woman walks on. Time to get off! I jumped up and was right by the door before the bus was even close to my stop. He jumped right up with me. We got off together. I got off, ran across, he ran with me. F*ck! I lived right by the bus stop, so it was about to get interesting. I crossed the street, he was supposed to cross one more time to go to the bus stop, but he didn't. He followed to the door...