Monday, August 31, 2015


In Union Station, Chris offered to help carry my luggage to the bus stop. I told him he didn't have to carry it, he could just roll it. He pulled the two pieces of luggage and was walking in reverse, facing me. I was walking slower. In the history of mankind, I'd never seen such a thing! We were going to the other side of the station, is this guy going to walk in reverse all the way there? That was yet to be seen! My concern was that he was going to bump into people. Who walks in reverse? Especially in a busy place like union Station!

As we were walking, he asked if he could visit me in Vegas. I asked why. He told me that he was going to miss me. I was like, I'm sure you'l be fine! Like, why should I have a fake deal with someone about coming to see me when we clearly are not friends, we clearly didn't get along! he had been telling me for the longest time that he has a rich friend from South Africa who lives in Vegas that he met on Facebook. She is married to a doctor and had invited him to pay them a visit. I told him maybe he should pay that girl a visit friends. They had been friends longer than he had known me, after all. He told me he wanted to visit us all at once. I was like, call me when you're in Vegas! I mean,  I had to make an impromptu trip to LA to pick up my stuff because you were threatening me, what do you mean you want to pay me a visit? We're not friends, my friend! I didn't say that to him but I sure thought it! I was an hour early at the bus stop. He wanted to wait there until the bus arrived. He's very clingy that Chris, why would you want to be so sticky to someone you don't even like? I don't get it! It was like 7am. Dude was in my face the whole time. I just wanted space and fresh air. That bad breath wasn't getting any fresher!

As we were arriving at the bus stop, I reached into my wallet to take out some money to thank him for hosting me. That wasn't part of the deal but I thought it'd be nice. As I was taking out the money from the wallet, he burst out laughing and said, "you know what, Brook? It's a pity you left LA, they have very good mental illness programs here! You would really benefit from them. I think you're bipolar!" I literally closed my wallet, put it back in my handbag and asked for my bags that he was carrying for me. He held on to them, you know, because he wasn't done talking yet, that was his way of making me hear him out. I was like, that's rich coming from a retard! I had never wanted to stoop to that level but I tried and he just kept digging and digging, finally, I couldn't not say something anymore. After that, I was fuming, but I bit my tongue and just let him have his moment. He gave it to me, telling me how I wasn't welcome in his home any more. He didn't like my attitude. He didn't know whether I thought I was better than him, I wouldn't engage in conversation with him. He never had such an experience before of someone who just wouldn't engage with him. Who did I think I was, blah blah bla.

When he was done, he gave me my bag and left, he laughed as he walked away. As if to provoke me. I was too happy to see him leave, I didn't care.

When he left, I played back all the insults and thought to myself, Brook, get over this. It's over now, he's gone. Who cares. But the urge to text him took over! I sent him a text thanking him for everything and told him I was about to give him some money when he decided to insult me calling me a mental case. He texted back, 'you're welcome, Brook. You can keep your money, you need it more than I do. I don't need your money, I have God on my side. God loves me, he will provide for me, just like he has already. That's why  I have an apartment and a job, things you don't have blah blah blah.' He went on and on. I thought to myself, damn! this dude, does not like me! In his his head,I am poor and destitute. I mean, he doesn't know the first thing about me because he never asks, he just assumed from the day he first met me that he was better than me! The day he insulted me, he was wearing Polo Sneakers that I gave him and a tracksuit I gave him when I moved to Vegas and yet I was destitute! Wow!

When he wouldn't stop texting, I blocked him. Then I sent him a 'courtesy text' telling him that if he was still texting, I wasn't receiving his texts for some reason, my phone was having a problem. I knew he was going to believe that because, well, obviously, it was a cheap phone because I'm poor and all. I don't know if he responded because I had blocked his ass.

I spent the rest of the hour trying to think of something positive to forget about the very bad experience I had just had over the past two days staying at Chris'. It was easy, my life was amazing, to top it off, I had just picked up some of my stuff from his house, well, most of my stuff, I didn't care if he 'donated' the rest of the stuff to Red Cross. I had a nice ride back to Vegas and worked that afternoon.

I had been working on achieving the things on my Vision Board. Some were in my control, some not so much but I kept revisiting it, because that's what you have to do. To keep them fresh on your mind. I was looking at buying a car and then maybe going on a road trip around Christmas time. I kept checking the car sites. When it got stressful, like when the car I wanted was way above my budget or something like that, I would get off the internet or do something else. One Saturday afternoon, I went online. I saw a white Land Rover with black leather seats. I had written down that my first choice was a black Land Rover Range rover with beige seats, second choice was LAnd Rover Discover, white with black leather seats. I got excited! The car looked so good, it was in great condition. I had a great feeling about it! That had to be the car I was going to buy! I clicked on it. I had been searching in Salt Lake City, Utah; Los Angeles, California; Phoenix, Arizona and Las Vegas, Nevada. That's four different states. All states I had been before and were surrounding where I lived, Vegas. If I had found a car in a different state, I would just make a trip of it, take the bus there and drive back. I was excited about that! As long as it feels good, you should do it! If it seems crazy but feels good, do it anyway! Just don't tell anyone about it, they might discourage you and plant a seed of doubt in your mind. That's the last thing you need when you're working on achieving your wildest dreams. I never told anyone I was working on buying a car. It was my little secret. I didn't want anyone to ruin my vibe. The reactions when they found out I just bought a car would be way better than when I told them I was going to buy it anyway, right?
These are the pictures on the Dealership's website. How can you not fall in love?

I called the seller, he didn't reply. I texted him. The car was in a dealership in LA. I was in Vegas, he was somewhere out of town, they were closed for the weekend. He told me to meet him Monday morning. They open at 10:00. I had an entire day in between to go completely crazy, I had to try and keep myself entertained and not allow any negative sht into my head until Sunday night when I would be traveling to LA. Time flew! I watched some TV and blogged. I packed a small overnight bag and planned to go see my Peruvian friend that morning before I went to the dealership as I was going to arrive around 5:30 am. We had been in touch, her husband was out of town filming, I knew I could just budge in on her. She was home alone.

I got off the bus in union station, took the train to Korea Town to my Peruvian's. I arrived there, called her, she never picked up. Uh oh! Now what? Someone opened the main door, I asked them to let me in, they did. Score! I went up to my friend's and knocked. No answer, oopsie! I went to the bottom floor, they had a small table and a chair over there. I was going to sit there and read a book until it was time to head to the dealership. As I was doing that, who walked through the door? My friend! She was on her way from the gym! This is around 06:30! I was like hey! She freaked out! Could you imagine! She didn't even know I was in town, now I'm in her apartment building. It was so fun. We do that to each other all the time back home with my family. I live for that reaction haha. Of course, I wouldn't do it to someone I wasn't close with like Chris smdh.

We went to her apartment, she made breakfast, we caught up a bit, I told her I wasn't staying. I needed to go somewhere. I had an appointment. She didn't ask much, I didn't divulge much. She was like, please call next time you come over. I was like, I will, girl, chill! This was a once off thing, plus, it's not like I'm moving in. I was just in the neighborhood. She seemed fine though, she did keep telling me that about seven times though. I think she wanted to make sure that I got it. She told me there was so much going on in her life, we needed time to talk. I told her that I could meet her after my appointment. She and her friends were going to go job hunting in Beverly hills that day. We stayed in touch via text.

I took the train and a bus and the train to the dealership. Talk about Nelson Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom! I was getting more and more excited, the closer I got to the dealership. I got there just as they opened their doors. I looked around to see if I could see my car. Good thing about SUVs, they tower over other cars and you can see them from a distance. I saw it! I had butterflies in my tummy. The guy greeted me. He told me the guy I was looking for wasn't there yet but I could look around in the meantime. I told him I was looking at just one car. He got me keys and told me I could take it for a test drive. I was so ready to buy the car, I knew that I didn't even need the test drive.

I used to imagine myself in my car before I even found it. I would close my eyes and see myself in the driver's seat, playing music, I could even hear the sound of the flicker (indicator) as I was about to turn into my street. I had a Range Rover as a Screensaver on my tablet and on the cellphone. When I saw the Land rover I loved, I had it as a screensaver on my cellphone. In my heart, it was already mine! It was quite an exciting trip! Try it for something you really want! You'll see! It will happen, you will get it! When you get it, message me and share your experience!

I got into the car and drove off. I was so excited and I knew in my heart of hearts nothing would go wrong! Everything was falling into place as I had hoped, wished and envisioned. I drove off! I opened the sunroof and the moonroof, yup, my car has both! How's that for the cherry on top? I went to a mall parking lot and did my reverse parking and all that, to see that everything worked. Not that I didn't  already know in my heart! I went back to the dealership and started negotiating. You have to, right? They would think you stupid if you don't :). He told me they were firm on the price. The price was within my budget but  I had to negotiate, I started looking for things that would make them go down. They gave me 10% off. The guy was like, you better get out of here before the owner gets here because he is going to be so mad that I gave you a discount. It was decent discount. We drove to the bank, I got the money and voila! Bob's your uncle! The car was mine! What? Did I just buy a Land Rover Cash? Fuck yeah!
First picture with my Landy at the dealership's lot just before I called my sister
I called my sister from the parking lot before I embarked on my new life as a car owner. My first car in America. My sister was at home (my mom's) for Christmas. Everyone was there, so that was great, all I had to do was tell one person and she would spread the gospel. I was like, ugh, it's so hot in LA, I can't wait to get into this new Land Rover of mine and turn on the A/C. She was like Whhhhaaaattttttt!!!!!!!! Oohhh mmyyyy Goddddddd, you bought a car?!!?!?!?!? I was like yup! Land Rover Discovery! I sent her pictures, well, I sent pictures to our family whatsapp group for everyone. She was so happy for me. I was so happy for me!

It was a good day!

Vision Board

I made my vision board end of 2014. Some of the things on the list were-
1) A Land Rover; I didn't have a car at the time and I thought I'd put up my favorite car and see what happens. If you're gonna dream, you might as well dream big!
2) An apartment in Beverly Hills. (Again, dream big or go home.... I was planning to move back to Los Angeles)
3) Vacation in San Francisco. (I'd always wanted to go. I wanna go everywhere but this is one of my top destinations.)
4) Fall in love. Like in real love!

.... to name a few!

In my gratitude journal, I went into detail about what I wanted, especially about the most important things like home, love, car, work etc. I also made a list of things that I wanted to do with my time once back in LA because what tends to happen is, you think you are going to have the best year of your life and before you know it, it's September and you haven't done sht. I thought that if I put it in writing, I would be able to put it in practice. I have always had a notepad where I write a list of things to do, it could be for the following month, week, quarter or year or just a list of things I want to get around to do it. I was never strict about, whenever, I would stumble upon the notepad, I would have a look at my list and find that I had done all or most of the things on my list. It is so fulfilling to scratch off an entire page of to do things, as DONE! Try it!

I was still working on changing my daily thoughts into positive ones. That could be an easier challenge but it's an ongoing one. It's basically like changing your entire thought and belief process. It's so worthwhile though! Sometimes, something would happen and the old me would have reacted in a way that's not so positive; example, you're ready to go, you have just about enough time to get where you need to be or you could even be late and the car won't start. Normally, one would be so depressed because their entire day is about to get ruined. Maybe you're going to a job interview or a shoot or something really important. I have found that, your reaction to such instances is what makes or breaks your day not the incident itself. If you believe that things will work themselves out, they will. You may turn the key again and the car will start, maybe it's an automatic and you're trying to start it with the gear on drive because you were so distracted when you parked it, you forgot to put it on park or it could be something more serious.Either way, you could end up making it on time or not at all and not getting the job that you were going to interview for but because you believed that things are going to work out, you may get a call that afternoon from the one job you never in your wildest dreams thought you could get and they may hire you on the spot. No interview. However, if you let the car not starting situation ruin your mood, things will start tumbling down from there on and you will have a bad day. Guaranteed. And you will blame it on the car brand, 'that's why I hate Toyota's or Honda's. Why can't I afford a Land Rover? I also want to be those people who drive around in SUV's, who never have problems. Blah!'

How do you know those people don't have problems? Just because they don't tell you, doesn't mean they don't have their own challenges!  Even if you drove a Bugatti, you would still have a problem if you tried to start an automatic car in gear or whatever the case may be, because you will still have the same pessimistic attitude towards life. Change your attitude and change your life! Sometimes, you will feel silly for not being realistic, because you're keeping it real by being negative minded. That's what a lot of people say. 'I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist' Ssssuuuurrreee! What's reality really?

I was staying in a studio apartment type spot and was working two days a week for only a few hours. But I wanted the things I did and believed I could get them. I'm very good with money, if I must say so myself. I've had to take care of myself financially since I was a teenager, so I can have all my savings in my pocket and never use it for an entire year. I'm grateful for that characteristic, especially when you live the kind of life I live. When you're the only person you know around. It's not like you can call your cousin or sister or godparent or whatever and ask them to lunch where you will pour your heart out and hope they will loan you some $$$$$. Everyone is in a whole other continent, boo! Even so, I have never been one to do loans and stuff, I was the one who would lend people money from a young age. I knew how to get my money back too, though, don't get it twisted! I'm done with all that now! You ask me for a loan, I tell you now, with a smile in my face. You just don't go there with your loved ones, unless you're trying to ruin your relationship. In which case, by all means! Be my guest!

                So Chris had been threatening to throw away my clothes, or, as he put it, donate my stuff to Red cross if I didn't pick it up in a few days. I was in Las Vegas, he was in Los Angeles. That was not part of the plan but a girl can change her mind, I guess. He was mad because I wasn't picking up his calls and not returning his text. I was simplifying my life, the last thing I needed to do was have aimless, repetitive conversations with Chris about sluts and whores who used him for sex. Things that just didn't make sex because if any woman let him sleep with them, it's his luck, not the other way around. I just didn't want to go there with him again just because I am in fear that he was going to dispose of my stuff. I had gone on 6 months or so without that stuff. I could survive without it but I also didn't want to give him the satisfaction of donating my stuff. I mean, he would never donate it, he was going to keep it for himself, let's be frank!

I asked him what his schedule was for the following week. He told me that he was still off Mondays and Tuesdays. I told him that I was going to try to make my way to LA. By then, we had hashed things out and he had told me (again) that he was going to keep my stuff, which was not even in his way, until I moved back to LA. He needed me to move back to LA, he never wanted me to move to Vegas, to begin with, that was reassurance that I would be back in LA, the stuff he had at his place. I am not sure why he threatened to get rid of it. Anyway, I called a lady who books me for work in LA and told her that I was going to be in town for two days. I asked her to book me for those days. That was going to be a nice and easy way to make money while in LA and get to see my friends who I work with AND get away from Chris. How many birds with one stone? A whole lot!

I took an overnight bus from Vegas, I always take the overnight bus when traveling so that I have an entire day where I am headed. I slept on the bus and arrived around 5:30 Downtown LA. I called and let Chris know that I had just arrived. I was on my way to Korea town where he lives. I would text him when I was outside. He checked the bus schedule and told himself that I was supposed to arrive at a specific time. When I didn't, he started blowing up my phone. I was at Jack in the box, having me some $1 tacos, trying to kill time. I wanted to arrive there when I only had a few minutes to get ready and head out to the show I was doing that morning. I didn't want to have to be stuck there with him answering rhetorical questions.
Back in LA - Six months after moving to Vegas

I ignored his calls, he called and called and called. Finally, he sent a text telling me that if I were Downtown when I said I was, I should have arrived at his place by then. He was tired of waiting for me, blah blah blah. Like, why you waiting for me, boo? I texted him that I was on my way, I headed over there asap before the you know what hit the fan.

I brought him tacos for breakfast too. He gave me a hug and told me he was so happy  I was there. He wanted to take me out to lunch and dinner that day. He had all these plans for both of us that he made without consulting me. I just arrived all the way from Vegas. I was only going to be in town for two days, why would you think that I didn't have plans for the time I was going to be in town for? It boggles my mind how that guy's mind works..... or doesn't!  I told him I needed to be in Hollywood in 30 minutes. I asked if I could take a shower. He agreed, came and stood by the bathroom door and asked me not to use his towels, (like EEEEeeeewwww, why would anyone want to?), not to use too much toilet paper, should I use the toilet, otherwise It was going to block the toilet blah blah blah. I was about to lose my mind! I had to hurry up and get out of there as soon as ASAP. I know that's redundant but that's how fast I had to get outta there! I didn't want to say anything because I was boiling inside and whatever I would say would've been impolite and the guy was hosting me. I had to have manners. He had told me that he washed his linen for me, he was going to let me sleep on the bed and he was going to sleep on the floor. 'I will do that for you, Brook! I will do that for you! I will do that for you!' Don't forget he repeats every sentence three times! I told him I was ok with sleeping on the floor, no need for special treatment. He insisted. I could tell he wanted me to thank him so much. I couldn't yet though because it wasn't bed time yet, I wasn't sleeping on the bed yet. Things could still change. He needed that thank you though! It was the ginormous elephant in the room! I was just like, I gotta go to Hollywood. See you later. He asked if I wanted him to come along. I was like, nah, thanks, bye! #AWkward
My swollen feet and I, waiting outside for Chris to open. He didn't understand what I meant when I texted him, please open for me, I'm outside. He was like, 'where are you now?' It took about ten minutes before he understood that I was outside to please open

I had been in touch with a friend of mine I met while doing background work, she wanted to meet up while I was in LA. After work, she came by. I met up with her at the gate, we went to a restaurant around the corner and caught up over there. When I told Chris I was going to step out, he had the keys, so I needed to report to him at all times, which was totally fine. He was like, how long are you going to be. I need to leave in an hour. Like, the whole thing was like bootcamp! #FunPoliceAlert

I told my friend that if I were to be a minute late, he was going to lock me out. She had somewhere to go as well. She told me that he had to meet up with a white girl friend. I didn't understand why she had to tell me the race of the friend. She kept saying, she's white, like your boyfriend, but she's a female. I was like, ok! Have fun!

When I got back to the apartment, Chris was like, I am about to head out, I was wondering where you are! "Thank you for respecting me and not having strangers come into my home and for coming back on time. I am not used to this. I always have my Asian friends stay here and they never respect me. They also use me for sex and they ask me for money. You are nothing like them! I really appreciate you, Brook!" You see, it's those kinds of conversations that make me uncomfortable around Chris. Like, why do you have to specify the race, and why are you shaming other women while paying me a compliment? It makes it hard for me to thank me cos I just want to defend those other women so badly! Anyway, he asked to take me to dinner. I politely refused. He asked if I was going to eat the Tacos I brought with me that morning. I was like but those are yours, I gave them to you, remember? He told me he wasn't sure, that's why he didn't eat them. He respects people's things, he wouldn't just dig in, that's how he was raised. I'm thinking to myself, dude, just eat the damn tacos, stop fishing for compliments! He was like, 'are you sure, Brook'? I told him, I was, if he didn't want them, he cold throw them away. I was going to go to Mc Donald's, around the corner and grab a bite to eat. He was headed for an Indian restaurant downtown. Much better than Mc Dee's, plus I love Indian Cuisine, however, I didn't like it with a side of Chris' spit. He be spitting all over the place when he talked. That's a turn off! Plus, I didn't want any more favors from him. He told me he was going to buy me the burger and bring it back for me, dinner was on him if I could just contribute $5. Uhm, Mc Donald's has a $1 menu, I could have two items from that menu, and it would be way less than $5. Whatchu talkin'about, dinner is on me if you give me $5? That's daylight robbery if I've ever seen one!

Long story short, after all the negotiations, I lost my appetite. I told him I was going to bed. That's when he finally left. He had been standing on top of me, trying to get him to go with him, or give him money, or hug him, or love him, or something him. It was just too much. I can't deal with the clinginess of it all! By the way, I was sleeping on the floor. When I got home, he was sitting on the bed, he told me which drawer to open to take out bedding for myself to sleep on the floor. As if he wasn't the same person who insisted I slept on the bed that very morning. It was fine by me. The bedding he let me use, I had given to him when I moved to Vegas. I made my bed and went to bed. As soon as he left, I reached into my bed, had some nuts and fruit, drank a tall glass of water and went to bed. Always come prepared!

I also got up and started packing some of the things I was going to take with me. When I heard his footsteps, I ran back into bed and breathed as quietly as possible. You know when there's serial killer in your house and you're hiding in the closet? When you literally stop breathing? Well, that was me. The following day, I had a show to go to. It was an all day show as well. Thank goodness. I was probably an hour early. I just didn't want to be in that house. The show was pretty interesting, it was couples who were working on their marriages, they would then have sex in a tiny private room in the center of the stage, with us right there! The jury is still out if they actually did have sex or not. I never saw it when it aired.

After that show, I headed back to Chris'. He shot me with the usual rhetorical questions, my answers was always I don't know. That was to keep the conversation as short as possible. If I said yes or no, there could be a follow up question, you see? When I couldn't take it anymore, I went to sleep. He went out for dinner, I got up and packed some more in peace. I also got up early the following morning and packed some more. He got up and watched me in the dresser mirror. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time. At some point, he got up and sat on the chair in the kitchen, he had the chair face the dresser and watched me on there as if I couldn't see his reflection on the mirror. It was crazy. Very serial killer-esque. He had told me he is a deep sleeper, I didn't have to worry about getting up and packing in the middle of the night.
That's me in front of the mirror, the chair next to the dresser is where Chris sat and watched my every move at 2 am as I was packing
The following morning, he insisted on coming along to the station. I really didn't want him too but I was just like, forget it! Let's get this over and done with. His bad breath took over the entire cab. He wouldn't stop talking, asking the driver random questions nobody had answers to. I couldn't breath. At some point, I asked him to please stop talking until we got to Union station, his breath was smelling really bad and I couldn't breathe. He apologised and wend on about how he appreciated my honesty blah blah blah. I asked him to thank me when we were in the open at the station. I was dying! He just wouldn't stop talking!

Waiting for the cab

Directing Chris to take a picture from head to toe haha, pointing at toe. #TheStruggleIsReal

Chris helping me with my stuff in Union Station.

Thursday, August 20, 2015


While on that life changing trip I was on, I started jotting down affirmations. I have used them before, especially in Johannesburg when I was kind of nervous when I moved there. I didn't know what could or would happen to me in such a crazy city, what with the crime rate over there and everything. I would say beautiful things to myself about the city and everything. They worked. I was pretty safe the entire time I was in Johannesburg, it may have had something to do with the affirmations, or not, who knows? 

In Vegas, I read more about affirmations, I started writing affirmations 15 times every day. I read somewhere that whether you believe what you are writing, after that many times, it would get engraved into your brain and amazing things would start happening in your life. I was excited! Amazing things were about to happen in my life! I needed the break! I made up affirmations about things that covered up the main aspects of my life that I felt were lacking and focused on those. I wanted to change my thinking about those things. 

I was excited to be working on a new, positive project. I was looking forward to seeing the outcome. Some of them were pretty long term, some mid and some short term. Before I knew it, it had been a number of days and I hadn't heard back from Jim. I thought to send him and email, nothing! I just pushed that to the back of my mind. I was spring cleaning my mind. I didn't want to have some stagnant thoughts about things I felt I had no control over, blocking the positive flow of energy in my life. I decided to delete all his emails and stuff. I would see if and when I heard back from him. My sister always warns me against doing that. My thing is, if I never hear back from them, good riddance, if I do, then I will ask them to send me more of their pictures. Long story short, time flew and before I knew it, Jim was supposed to have been back to work. I was waiting in a long as line, one morning, my thoughts jumped to Jim. I thought, you know what? Let me email him one last time, then I will totally be done. Stalk much?

He emailed me back immediately! WTF! He even asked for my number. I gave it to him. We texted back and forth all day, until I had to go to work. Then that night, he called me. We talked for about an hour. He sounded much better than he looked. He didn't look bad, he just had one of those country beard styles. He called me a few more times after that, we texted for a while from the time he woke up, he would text me, every other day, until he went to sleep. He would even text me and tell me that he was on the phone with so and so, and we would still text while he was on the phone. It was fun. Not that he was paying half his attention to me instead of the person on the phone but to have someone to chat with so constantly, who wasn't crazy.

Days became weeks, The calls disappeared. So did the texts, he would text back immediately, but I noticed that he wasn't initiating anything. I had to find something else to occupy myself, that was just not going the route I had hoped it would. One morning, while at work, by then, we had added each other on Facebook. I, as a rule, don't do that, add guys I am talking to or am dating on social media but I was curious to learn more about his life and his profile was private. I couldn't stalk him haha. He would text me commenting on stuff I posted on Facebook. I thought that was kinda weird, we are Facebook friends, why not comment on the posts themselves? I digress. So, while I was at work one morning, I went onto Facebook and one of the top posts on my timeline was of Jim, he was dressed to the nines, posing with a girl who was just as dressed up. The caption to the picture was: My future wife. I blocked him sooner than you can say wife! I didn't even want to want to have the energy to think about it, wonder, assume, confront him, whatever. I didn't know the guy, we had never met, he owed me nothing. I mean, he owed me more than nothing but what are you gonna do? It happens!

I was kind of taken aback by the whole thing but I tell you in about 20  minutes, I was so over the whole thing! I had my tablet with me where I was reading a book. I continuing reading the book on my way home. I took advantage of my commutes and would always read on the bus. I read more and more, learn more and more about myself, my life, why things happen the way they do, at least to me. I was open minded about the stuff I was reading and decided to try them out. Some of the books, have exercises. I took the exercises and applied them in my life. I was feeling better and hopeful about my life and my future. 

I started writing a list of things I was grateful for everyday. I bought a new notepad just for that. I did that religiously and still continue to do so. It's been almost a year now. Wow! Time flies! I would find one thing to be grateful for at the end of the day, the best thing that happened that day, and be thankful for that, then write my list the following day. I still do. I highly recommend you do that, if you don't already do it. It makes you focus on the positives of your life and or your day as you are constantly looking for the good that happened in your day. What better way to live than to be obsessed with positives in your life?

As time went by, I kept reading more and more books, I read, on average two to three books a month. It was a huge improvement for someone who wouldn't even read Cosmopolitan  magazine that she subscribed to. I still have them sealed here at home as we speak! Since The Oprah Show days, I had always wanted to keep a vision board. I decided to follow through on that and make one. That actually forced me to read some of my Cosmo's because I didn't want to just cut off pictures without having read the magazine. I already had glue, I used what I had around the house to stick my pictures. I had my vision board up in no time. I had been cutting off pictures over the years anyways. I used all those pictures and some new ones. When I was done, I was so excited! I couldn't believe that I finally did it! I finally made my own vision board! After all those years! Whoda thunk it? It actually looked like a real vision board, like the ones people have up on tv and online!

I was getting more and more excited about what's to come in my life,about having my wildest dreams fulfilled...........

The Ring

So I got me a little part time job in a clinic in Vegas. It was about an hour away by bus, that includes a 20 minute break in between. I took two buses.It was perfect for me. I only needed to be there two to three hours per day. I'm not big on serious, full time work. If I work longer hours, I want to do it for a few days, ram all my week's work in a few days and be done with it. You gotta make time for play!

I met a nice lady there. We became friends, she was always in sunglasses indoors. It was quite something. She is a beautiful lady who apparently used to be a groupie back in the day. She hooked up with some celebs. I can't name names. She also has something of Justin Bieber's. No, she wasn't Bieber's groupie! She told me that they were never allowed to take their cellphones into the parties with them in case they took pictures or videos and sold footage of something that's not supposed to be seen by public. I get it, I work on tv shows, I know all about non-disclosures. We planned to hang out outside of work but it just didn't happen. She had three kids, and two jobs, and not that much time for new friends, I guess. She was good fun at work though.

The rest of the people there were very interesting characters. Groupie was my saving grace.

One afternoon, while minding my business, I got an email from one of my sisters asking if I was available to Skype. I was. Just as I was looking on, I heard a knock on the door. Who could it be? I came out, there was no one! They did leave a big box outside for me.  It was my rings!
Now what? I did get a bit excited, I must say! I ripped the packaging open and got to the rings. There were two, the engagement and wedding band. I tried on the engagement, it fit like a glove! The band was a size too big and too thin for my liking. It was also too thin for the engagement. Not that any of that mattered because I had broken up with the groom. I put the rings on and Skyped my sister. She flipped when she saw the rings. I was like yeah but it's over. Too little, too late!
White Gold with Diamond

Charlie had never stopped calling and texting, but I had blocked him. I blocked him on Facebook as well as he would contact me there. He called me once from a number I didn't recognise. When I picked up, he was so shocked, he didn't know what to say. I thought to myself, you called, you knew you were calling me. I didn't know it was you calling because I don't know the number. You should've been more prepared than me that I was going to be on the other side of the phone. He told me that he had been texting me, and asked why I didn't text him back. I felt bad for him and told him to text me again. I unblocked him for a split second. We talked for a bit. He wanted to come see me the following day. I agreed.

The following day, Charlie showed up with a ring on his finger. He had a yellow gold band on his ring finger.
Charlie's Ring and Mine
I didn't even ask about that. What for? I had my ring on when he came, I quickly took it off and put it back into the box. He saw the box on my shelf because he's very nosy, he has very wondering eyes. He is the person who will always find things that you have hid from him. The fact that you have to hide things from him is a red flag, actually. He saw the box, opened the ring and started critiquing it. I told him that I didn't care what he thought of the ring, that's not why he was there plus it was my ring and my choice, he should worry about his fingers, not mine. He told me I should've let him pick a ring for me, he would've done a much better job. I thought to myself, I'm so glad  I broke up with this fool! What person, who, after you broke up with them and blocked them all over the show and you finally give them a chance to see you, acts like such a dick? He just has no sense of: time or place! In which case, with him, it's never the time nor place to do or say anything.
Charllie's watch and my ring

That meeting didn't last long, I knew I made the best decision for myself when I broke up with Charlie. I kept the ring for weeks. I would sometimes wear it and enjoy seeing it sparkle under light. After a while, I took it off and put it as out of sight as possible, One day, I decided that I was really ready to move on for that what could've been chapter of my life. I returned the rings.

I hope that was the last time I had a close call. I have had too many of them to care. My first engagement ring from when I was 21 should still be back in Africa.

I got a nice long email one day from a guy who we will call Jim. Jim was age appropriate, he was in his early 40's, he was looking for a serious relationship. He had a 10 or so year old son that he saw every so often, he lived in a very small mining town in Arizona where the houses were owned by the mine, so the staff only had to pay about $250 for three bedroom houses. Talk about Christmas in June! He and I exchanged a number of emails. He seemed sincere, he would send really long emails and always included pictures of what he was talking about. He sent me a picture of the view from his house, which included that of his Hummer (balling!), one of his new Orange Harley Davidson (flossing!), a number of selfies, some in uniform, he had a nice supervisory position at the mine. He had been working there for about ten years. He told me that he would understand if I didn't want to stay in that small town forever. It's not for everyone, I mean, the population is 500. or so, that's crazy! Everyone knows everyone. I would have been the only person they didn't know. Jim told me that he wanted to work for a few more years at the mine, and then find a job somewhere in California where he would subsequently move to. He also was waiting for his son to finish high school. I guess his son was 14. I remember Jim had four more years to be fully responsible of his son.

We talked about a whole lot before he told me he was about to head to Florida on vacation. He told me he was going to leave in a couple of days but would definitely keep in touch. I was so excited to have come in contact with someone like him. It had been a while since I had met a decent prospect. We exchanged emails daily for about a week before his vacation. I didn't hear back from him the day before his vacation. I decided to shoot him a bon voyage email to which he replied immediately. That turned me kinda off because I had sent him a long ass email responding to an email I had gotten from him and he just never replied to that. We exchanged a few emails after the bon voyage one. I didn't want to be like, so, uh, are you gonna reply to that email? You know that one? I just let it slide and hoped that he would go over our conversations when he had time and find that there was one he hadn't replied to. I can't stand repeating myself. Also, you don't know if someone didn't hear the question or they intentionally ignored it.

I got an email from Jim when he was leaving for the airport. He left around ten the night before and spent the night in a hotel in Arizona, then flew out to Florida the following morning around 3. He said it was easier that way than to try and catch a 3am flight all the way from his town which was 3 hours away from Arizona. He was to email me when he arrived in Florida where he was going to stay for about four days and then go on a cruise, then back to Florida, then back to AZ. I was in such high spirits since meeting him.

This was around the same time, I decided to start reading self help books, my favorite genre when I do read! I was thinking positively, or at least, trying, I wanted things to work out. He had promised to come see me in Vegas, I wanted to believe that he was really going to and it was going to work out great.

Around that time, I was monitoring my thoughts, wanting to see where I could make improvements. I realised that I wasn't as positive a thinker as I thought I was. Majority of my thoughts, even if they started off positive, they would end up in a really weird place. Sometimes I would cover the whole pessimism up with humor but the bottom line, it was negative. I tell you, it was so much work to monitor my own thoughts and try to change course and face the east every time I found myself going South. I know! East is not the opposite of South but who's counting? Counting? But these are directions, not numbers?!?!?!? ;)

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Big Foot

More on senior citizen!

I got into my place, took off my clothes and breathed a sigh of relief that I was back in the comfort of my own home. I called Senior one more time. He picked up. He was completely out of breath! I'm like! You're out of breath! He told me he had just arrived home. He went to the grocery store after my no show at the casino on his bike. I was like, you ride a bike? He told me that he was renting a house from someone who lives in California, they let him use the entire house but the main bedroom which they use when they are in Vegas, they also let him use their bike. For a split second, I thought he was cool people, until I found out, he was referring to a bicycle. I thought to myself, Dang, Brook, you got it made this time! An almost 60 year old dude whose only means of transportation is a bicycle. Perfect!

I apologised that I was late and explained that had happened. He told me that he passed the second bus that I took to the casino and saw that there were only a few people in there. He thought to himself that there was no way  I would be in there,  I definitely wasn't coming! I was like, how do you get to the conclusion that I can't be one of the few people on the bus? I was! I was on that bus! I saw someone on a bike at the light, was that you? 'Yes, it was!' He was flabbergasted that I was on that bus. I don't know why, I told him I was taking the bu, it's not like I had told him I was going to take charter a private jet and all of a sudden I pulled up in a bus! I apologised, he apologised and asked if I wanted to meet another day. I told him that the day was still young, we could still meet that day. He offered to come to my neck of the woods. We agreed on The Stratosphere which was a 5 minute walk from my place. Fair!

He called me as he was leaving his house and told me he would be there in an hours, by then I knew the drill, it was the same route I had taken that morning. I put on the very same outfit I had on that morning and made my way to part II of our first date. We arrived at the same time! Good, no walking around trying to find each other because one of us does not have a cellphone in 2014. He looked so much better in person! He was a good looking guy with nice teeth, nice shape but they could've used a little brushing. You know when it looks like someone hasn't brushed their teeth in a couple of days? #awkward Those are the people that will try to kiss you too! It's like, they are trying to spread the love. Yuck! Love of plague!

We found a seat, he reiterated to me that he was low on cash, then asked me what I wanted to drink. I just had a glass of water and diet soda. We sat there and talked a little bit. He laughed a lot, like when he laughs, he laughs out loud. I guess he was happy. He also thought I was funny, which was nice, so I guess I might have contributed to why he laughed so much. Within the first five minutes of meeting, he told me I have pretty hands. He also told me my hands are small, they're not small. I have hands that a proportional to rest of me in size. He put my hands against his gigantic hands. He's 6'2" (189cm) and has the biggest hands. From there, it went down, fast! Before I knew it, he was telling me he has a big penis. I mean, not in so many words, but he asked what size shoe I was, he liked my shoes, I told him, I would tell him my shoe size when he is on the way to the store to buy my shoes. Basically, it's on a need to know basis. that's when he told me to look at his feet. He told me that he's a size 13 or 14. Can't remember, don't care! I've seen men who have big  "feet" that don't work like they're supposed to, so please!

We moved from the casino side to a cute cafe where the waiters sing songs as they serve people. It was a different experience for me. The first time I thought, oh Vegas! How I love there! I thought the waiter was probably high and decided to belt out in song, but then, everyone joined in. That's when I knew they meant business. Senior told me he had enough money for me to order at least an appetiser (starter). As I was looking at the menu, he suggest we have one entree (main course) to share. I didn't really have much of a choice. He had made up his mind. He ordered something that had a little bit of everything, which was a good choice. While still waiting, they brought us complimentary tortilla chips with dip. He double dipped from the first chip, I tell ya, I was gagging! Main course arrived, He was all over that thing, I was just like, yuck! The man was hungry!

As we were eating, he told me that the bus dropped him off right by the Chapel where he got married to his firstwife. He told me that he saw that as a good sign. He was like, if I were down, we could go there there and then and get hitched. I laughed and thanked him for such a great offer but I didn't think getting married where he got married to another woman was a good idea. He had been married three times and divorced three times. The third wife was the most amazing person he ever met, she stayed with him even though he was diagnosed of cancer just after they met and took care of him until he beat it! He asked me if I knew what testicular cancer was. I thought to myself, great, from penis sizes to testicles, what else are we gonna talk about tonight? I told him  I knew what testicles are. I'm African, not dumb!  He told me that that's the kind of cancer he had. He was fully recovered though but he hoped that I didn't mind that he only had one testicle. Gggaaagggg!

Most awkward conversation on a date ever!  And I've been on some interesting dates! After all that, I told him it was past my bedtime. He walked me halfway home. He tried to walk me all the way but I told him I lived really close and I felt safe walking home. He told me he was a gentleman and therefore insisted on walking me, that's when I let him walk me halfway. When I told him I was close enough, he asked me where my house was. I thought, dang, this dude is nosy! I bade him good night and as I was walking away, he grabbed me, gave me a hug. Gurl, I knew that kiss was coming, so, I kept my face facing all the way there as much as possible. He asked me if I didn't like him. I told him it was really late and I really needed to get going.

He had asked to see me the following weekend. He asked me before the first date. He wanted to go to the park for a picnic, I guess that all was part of the low on cash budget theme.He was going to make us sandwiches. He told me that I could always hang out with him at his place, he had a big TV that came with the house that came with the bicycle. He also did tell me that because of everything he had been through, his uhm 'big foot' doesn't work as well as it should. His ex wife was understanding for a while but she was young and told him that she had to go and find her orgasms happiness out there, so she did! He thought he'd warn me before hand, just in case I also want orgasms the same kind of happiness that she wants. I thought to myself, this dude really has nothing to offer, zero, nada!

He called me the following day or so, I sadly couldn't justify picking up his calls. He sent a few emails, again, I couldn't find reason enough to return his emails.

Senior Citizenship

After my tumultuous relationship with Charlie, I did some serious regrouping. I was not going to involve myself in such a messy relationshit relationship again. I did a lot of introspection. Some reading. You know sht if you see me reading! I hadn't been a reader for decades! I used to be, growing up. I would lock myself up in a room we never used at home and read anything I could find until I dozed off and wake up and read some more. I guess it was time to go back to my roots.

I still had my profiles on line. I never really removed them because the dude I was dating never stopped chatting up women on line. I wasn't active but he was never worth me going out of my way to remove my profiles. One day, I did that thing that I have done so many times before without any success. I posted an ad looking for a husband. I stated on the ad that I wanted to get married ASAP. I didn't expect anybody to take me up on it. I posted in Vegas, LA and Phoenix. The one in LA was flagged as SPAM and deleted as soon as I posted it. Oops! Nothing came out of the one in Vegas but Phoenix! Well! This man, who was my mom's age, messaged me, telling me he was an attorney, he had his own 3 bedroom condo that he was about done paying for, he drove a convertible Mustang, 2014 (in 2014). He wanted to come marry me in Vegas and take me back with him to Phoenix. I said, 'sure, let's do it!' In my head, I didn't see it happening but I didn't have much to do with my time. I wanted to see how far he was going to take it.

We happened to be on the same dating site, he emailed me on that site as well and showed interest. he was a year older on the site than on the email he sent in response to my ad. Just a year, I don't know why he felt the need not to be inconsistent. It actually made me wonder if he were the age he said he was to begin with. I honestly think he was past 100 years old. Just my opinion. He asked for my number and asked if he could call. He told me he wanted to get married the following weekend. I had to give the dude my number, right? So I did! He called and told me that he was on the way to work, he was driving his convertible with the top down. He couldn't wait to drive me around top down too. I thought to myself this dude is insecure about something, who says these things? He asked what the story of my life was. He wanted a 5 minute summary of it, so I gave it to him. No pun intended. He in turn told me the story of his life. His was about 2 hours long. Unfair much? Girl! I was yawning! What a bore! If you are going to start telling me the story of your life from birth, and you are 100 years old, when are we gonna get to 100? I know we're about to get married but, pls, spare me! I don't care if you used to be an athlete that had scholarships 70 years ago. Are you athletic now? No! Well.... That's like me saying I used to be skinny, up until teenage years. Come on!

He told me that he was going to come visit me the following weekend, hang out, see if we have chemistry. If we did, he was then going to marry me the following weekend. The story had already changed from marrying me the following weekend to a visit. I told him as long as his way of checking if we have chemistry didn't include me sleeping with him cos that wasn't going to happen. he got defensive and said that I was making him out to be a jerk blah blah blah. Defend yourself lawyer!

He always called me when he was driving (top down) to work in the afternoon. Turned out, he worked at Walmart as security. Long story about how he retired as an attorney and just worked to kill time because he was still very agile for his age. I have a feeling he was trying to imply something but I didn't care. I know of some really old attorneys, I didn't get why he resigned. Only to work for minimum wage at Walmart. Give me a break! Once they hear that I'm from Africa, they start acting really funny, as if I'm not fully developed in my brain or not fully human or something! He clearly thought I was thick headed to think I would believe these stories.

Speaking of stories, towards the end of the week, he asked for my full names. I was like, uh, why? He was trying to book me a ticket to Phoenix. Uhm, WHAT? He told me that as we had discussed, he thought he would get going on that ticket thing. Discussed when? Where? Who? How? Whaaaatttt? He was like, remember  I told you I was going to book you a ticket to come visit me so we can see if we have chemistry, then we can continue dating for a while and see where this takes us. I was like, you're so cute!

I asked about his living arrangement. He told me that he had a couple of girls who stay at his place. He was helping them out, they are just friends. I also picked up from his story that they were paying rent. Oh Gosh, even though I was just talking to him to kill time, I couldn't do it anymore, it was just too much of a waste of time.

I got an email from a guy who wanted me to move in with him in Phoenix, he lived in a studio with his cat or dog or both, can't remember but he lived in a very messy, tiny apartment with animals. The whole things was so gross and such a turn off, I didn't want to even continue talking him. Plus, I think he had some sort of mental situation.

Out of nowhere, I got an email from my Vegas people. Dude sent me a picture of him driving with his daughter in the backseat. Automatically, I knew it wasn't going to work. I am not looking to be a step mom. I did talk to him though, if anything, we could just be friends. His birthday was on April 9th, mine is on the 10th, the old man's in on the 7th, just like my mom's. We didn't talk for long before 9th wanted to meet up. I agreed. He asked where I lived, I told him close to SLS hotel and Casino. He said to meet there. Which worked great. I just walked there. He asked me not to dress up because he only had jeans and a t-shirt on. Never in my dating life has someone asked me not to dress up. I put on leggings and a blouse and heels and walked to SLS.

It was a six minute walk, really close to my place. SLS was a new resort that had just opened not to long since. It was nice to get a chance to check it out. We walked around and ended up at a bar. 9th had a beer, or two, or six. Who's counting? Dude had a lot of beers though! Apparently he has had problems with alcohol before but had slowed it down. If that was him on a slow day.....! We talked about all kinds of things. We didn't have any chemistry, plus I wasn't looking for chemistry with him, so it was cool. He dropped me off after our date and texted me that evening that he had a nice time. We texted back and forth for a few days and it all frizzled out.

I got another email from Vegas from another old man. 9th was age appropriate, it just never would've worked out what with the baby situation. Also, it turned out he was recently separated, was crashing on a friend's couch and had three kids, the one in the picture was the youngest. The email was from a man in his 50's. I believe he said he was 55. He looked 75 but who am I to judge? He was retired and lived alone in a house not far from where I lived. He was looking for a woman. We talked on the phone. He had the nicest voice! We arranged to meet up in person. He seemed sweet over the phone. He did ask me a few times if I am strict. I thought that was a weird question for an old man to ask a child. The man was old enough to be my father after all. He would ask if I am controlling. I had a feeling he was looking for someone to control him. I mean, if you're 75, why not try to find someone who is, mh, 98-100 to control you? Why would you want to be controlled by a child?

We talked over the phone for a few days before we met. He uhm, was low on cash, so we had to wait until he got paid to take me out. Red Flag! I was like, sure! He told me how much he had left in the bank for the rest of the month. I really didn't need to know that. He mentioned how he was looking for someone who was going to be an equal in the relationship. I thought, that's definitely not going to work. I am not trying to be an equal with an old man who is already retired by 55. Why did you retire if your ass is still broke? That's crazy! You can't be lazy and expect to be supported and controlled by strict children you met on the internet! The fck!

He told me he likes to bowl, he was semi-professional. He proposed to meet up at a bowling alley in a casino not to far from where he lived. the place was so far from my place! I agreed though because I'm a great sport like that! no pun intended, Bowling - sport - get it? By the way I can't stand people who do that, who make a joke and then explain it and ask if I got it. Yes, I got it, what? You think I'm slow?

The man didn't have a cellphone (Red Flag), we talked that morning, he was going to go somewhere before he headed to the meeting spot. There was no way of contacting him afterwards. I just had to show up at the bowling alley to meet him. I missed my bus and the next one was going to show up an hour later. I hoped he was smart enough to take my number with him and ask to use someone's phone to call me. I waited for the bus and hoped for the call. I also thought that maybe he was going to play or whatever for another hour.

Initially, he had told me that he was going to go for breakfast, then meet me. Bowl with me, then if we got along, take me to lunch. I was like, you gonna make me work up an appetite and then not feed me if we don't get along. Why don't we either go for breakfast together or lunch together? Who doesn't feed a girl on a date? I asked him if he was trying to save money and if the Bowling session was complimentary too. To my surprise, he told me that the session was complimentary. He played so often that he accumulated a bunch of free sessions. Great, I had to travel an entire hour to a free date that nobody was paying for! We agreed that we were going to do lunch, regardless.

So, I called his house and left a message about my missing the bus, in case he had a way of checking his messages from wherever he was. I doubted it but I had to take a chance, also, in case we missed each other, he could find solace in the fact that I did try. Even though, he's not my type or anything, I am not in the business of hurting people's feelings. As I was heading out, now wanting to miss yet another bus, I locked myself out. I literally realised that I had locked the lock that doesn't have a key as soon as I pulled the door shut. There was no time to try and figure that out. I just had to leave, I only hoped that there would be someone around to help get me back into my place after my date.

I took the first bus to the casino, no phone call on that ride! ' Got off that and took another one, as I'm on the bus, I am looking around to see if there's anybody who resembles him but then again, I only had one picture of him. People don't always like their pictures. I arrived at the casino an our after I was supposed to. I didn't know how I felt about whether he was going to be there. You know how you can have a feeling that he's gonna be there waiting? I didn't have any feeling at all! I walked up the stairs, my gosh! I have never seen so many senior citizens in the same spot in my life.... and I've worked in nursing homes!

Trying to find one senior citizens in a sea of senior citizens in a dimly lit bowling alley proved to be no fun at all! The old women were looking at me cockeyed, probably thinking I was going to steal their old husbands in wheelchairs/walkers, with oxygen tanks. It was crazy!  I took pictures of the place so I could show my date that I really did go there and walked out. I waited for the next bus. It showed up in 30 minutes. I went back home. My main concern then was how I was going to get back into my air conditioned apt in that heat. I got lucky, landlord was home! She gave me a tool she always gave the previous tenants when they locked themselves out and I quickly opened the lock. I love how that's a thing. That people normally lock themselves out and yet nothing was done to fix the problem. I loved it enough that as soon as I got in, I took out the lock, put the engine in a safe place and put the door handle pack. Problem freaking solved! I had locked myself out twice, I wasn't going to wait for third time is a charm to do something about it.