Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Everybody Hates Chris

After my poor wardrobe gave in and fell on top of me in the middle of the night, I got up and got it off my bed. It was a bit of a struggle. Carly was, she also heard the bang sound. She watched me struggle with the wardrobe. When I asked her to help me, she apologies and told me she was still half asleep, she should've gotten up and helped earlier. Excuses, Schmexcuses. But at least she got up and helped. The following day, she asked what I was planning to do about the situation. She was willing to pitch in in getting a new one. I told her it was ok, I was just going to keep  my stuff in suitcase until my mind was made up. I am not a big fan of doing the same thing over and over again. Unless I like it. I told her that the idea of buying something I had already bought only a few months prior. wasn't making me wet down there. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was going to move, my mind was made up. I needed time to tell her. We had agreed on at least two weeks' notice, I had ample time. I wanted to giver her more than two weeks though just because I knew way earlier, the more time I gave her, the better her chances of finding something she liked. It was only fair.

I went on with life as usual; cleaning up after Carly, begging her to empty the pot when she was done using it for days before I had a chance to use it. That soon got tired though. One day, I got so fed up of watching this stranger ruin my valuables that while she was at work, I cleaned the apartment, as usual, washed the pot, cooked and left food in there. She wasn't going to use it if it was occupied. she had her own shelf of food and her side of the cupboard in the kitchen, all that was packed with food that needed to be cooked. I didn't care. So did I, and she didn't seem to care. Buy your own shit, bitch! I had been nagging her for weeks to take care of things around the house because we were not sharing everything like that but she thought she could bat her eyebrows through it all. 

One day, she came home with a new pan. It was a cute, big, frying pan that was blue on the outside and blue on the in. It was on sale because it had a small dent. Good idea! It would have been a better idea if she had bought herself one with a lid, but what do I know, right? She fried with that pan and would leave it in the sink for days. I had to be the one moving it around so I can have access to the sink etc. There was no winning with this girl! One day, I asked her if she ever does any cleaning back home. She responded, immediately, YES! OF COURSE! I do all the cleaning at home! I was like, sssuuurrrrreeee! She told me unequivocally that she really does! She told me that she knew that she had been so busy that she hadn't had a chance to do any cleaning at the apartment but keeps a clean house back home. I rolled my eyes and moved on with my life. It wasn't about what she would reply but my way of telling her that I have noticed that she doesn't lift a finger. Ever! That was it! She batted her eyebrows and promised to clean one of the days. I asked her, sarcastically, to please not do me any favors. 

I mean, do it for yourself! Right? Don't do it for me! I've been doing the cleaning in that apartment since rooming with Jon. It was hilarious how Carly would never sit on the toilet seat at our apartment as if she didn't want to catch anything from me, meanwhile she never lifted a finger around the house. Are you f*cking kidding me? Who are you trying to insult by that? Sit your ass down, no pun intended! I ain't trying to catch something from sitting on your pee droplets! WTF! Sometimes I would wish that she would end up, by some twist of fate, rooming with Jon. See how they make it out alive.

I put in my 30 day notice with the ladies downstairs. That was a good day! I had been wanting to move out of that place but couldn't get myself to do it for whatever reason. Mainly because I didn't see myself being someone's roommate without having my name on the lease because then they think they are the boss of you. Bit by bit, I packed my stuff in suitcases, making sure to put things I use daily in the same suitcase and things I didn't in others. There's this 'friend' of mine from South Africa. We met at the bust stop on Sunset Boulevard. I had just picked up my check, on my way home, while waiting for the bus, I noticed that the guy standing next to me, talking on the phone was speaking with a South African accent. Being the nice, social person that I am; as soon as she was done talking on the phone, I asked where he is from. He responded, in an almost childlike manner, "I, I, I, I am from Johannesburg, Johannesburg, South Africa, South Africa!" I asked where in Johannesburg. He asked if I have ever been. I told him I've lived in Johannesburg. I wondered if the guy has some mental situation going on or what. He looks 60 but has a very childlike manner of talking, he sounds like he could be anywhere between 3 and 5 years old. Quite the mix!

Turned out, we were going the same direction! He took over the conversation and started asking me all the questions. He talks quite loud and spits A LOT. There was a lot of duck and diving from my side. Where's an umbrella when you need it? And I think I am always prepared! We got on the bus, he was going on and on about how American Americans are lazy, Asians are hard workers, therefore he wants an Asian wife, that's why he has been going to a Chinese Church for the past two years. He went on and on and on about all this offensive talk on the bus. It felt like my stop was moving further and further. I was on the way to the mall to grab a few things. He got off  with me. I was happy to be rid of him but no such luck. I was like, I thought you said you are going straight home? He told me he was but was enjoying my company, then he came closer and closer, I thought he was about to molest me there and then! The closer he got, the further I moved. I wondered if he had any idea he was making me feel uncomfortable. 

We'll call him Chris. Suddenly, the mood changed, he looked me deep in the eye and told me that I'm beautiful. I thanked him and backed the f*ck up some more! He asked if I have a boyfriend. I told him I was seeing someone. He wanted to know more about the guy. I told him a bit about Daniel. Just enough for him to know that there was someone in my life and even if there wasn't, he was never going to be that someone, no matter how much he spat on me. He told me that he would be honored to have a girl like me in his life, I seem to have a good head on my shoulders and I was beautiful. I said, 'problem is, I'm not Asian, huh?' He told me he didn't care about that. We are from the same country and that matters more than being Asian. At that point, I was so done, I felt like he was suffocating me. I told him  I really had to go. He told me he really had to go because he had work that night. As if I didn't just tell him I had to go. He was making it seem like he is the one who ended the conversation. I didn't care, anything to get this man to walk away. He had already asked for my number, there was no undoing that.

He walked away, like an 18 month old. You know how they walk and look like they're about to fall flat on their cute little faces? Well, only difference is,... you know what the difference is! 

I couldn't wait to go home and take a shower. I didn't have enough soap to get all that spit off me. In my head, I was still not sure if that really happened or if I made it up all up in my head. I wasn't sure if someone like Chris really does exist. Like, pinch me! I got my stuff and headed on home. 

I got a text from Chris that night, he told me what a pleasure it was to meet me. He wanted to meet up the following day or the day after. Those were his off days. I told him that I would let him know. I worked weekdays and I got booked a day in advance, sometimes the night before. I liked to keep my weekdays clear. Plus I wasn't looking to meet up with that man anytime soon! He insisted that we meet. It seemed almost as if I didn't have much of a choice. I didn't care. I had told him what's up and that was that! When he texts, just like when he talks, he never stops. 

I worked the following day. He texted me and told me how he was going to buy himself a TV with a DVD player. He told me that here in America they have such tv's. He has been here for 14 years, so he thinks he is the President of America. I love it when someone finds out that I'm from another country and all of a sudden, they want to be my tour guide. How do they think I have managed all along without their spitting asses? come on now! Don't be that guy! Nobody likes that guy! 

Tuesday evening, after work, I had just gotten off the bus, walking towards from my apartment, I got a call from Chris. He was on the bus on Santa Monica Boulevard. I had told him that I lived on Santa Monica, so he asked if he could get off by my place and see me. Oh my gosh, I am so looking forward to getting home. I was so close, I could taste it. Now I have to meet up with this person. I thought to myself, this dude is not gonna give up! Let's just get this over and done with! I told him sure, I told him where to get off. The roads were blocked, his bus was going to detour, blah blah blah, he kept calling to update me, 'ha, ha ha, hi Brook, I am at blah blah blah now, still on my way to you!' As if this was some romantic rendezvous. Ugh, we finally met up. Looking at him walking towards me, I wondered again. What is wrong with this guy? He almost looks like the guy who will kill you, bury you in his apartment and go on with his life like nothing happened. His thick, round, glasses didn't help either. He asked if I wanted to go eat dinner at this Indian restaurant far, far away. I told him that I only had an hour to spare, starting from the time he arrived, so I didn't want to go to far away. 

I don't know if he pays attention to what I say, once he starts talking, he gets into this zone where it's all about him and he will talking until, The Good Lord grants you a small miracle and you're able to get rid of him. When you're gonna spend time with him, which is not advisable, it's all about survival. He went on and on about the Indian restaurant. Don't get me wrong, I love Indian. In fact, it's my favorite cuisine, having lived in Durban for five years, but I didn't want to spend any more time with him than I had to. I was happy just standing with him by the traffic light for a hour so that when it's time for me to go home, I can walk a few feet and be at my place, take a quick/long shower and be done with it. he was so gung ho about going to eat, I ended up giving in. It was all about him getting what he wants no matter what. That's it!

He told me about this Japanese restaurant two blocks from my place. I told him I wasn't going to go there. I had already been there, I had been there and didn't want to relieve my experiences that ended me up there(story for another day). When I talk, he replies, oohh okay! While I'm still talking. You know he's not paying attention! Then he goes on and on about what he wants to talk about, usually something about African Americans being lazy and Asians being hard workers, and Obama. It's always the same thing. He will cut you off and talk about the same thing he had already talked about to you in person, over the phone and via text. The most frustrating thing ever!

We ended up going to El Pollo (pronounced Poyo) loco. I ordered Chicken and fries. He ordered a Burrito and chicken and fries. He was talking nonstop in English, I kept asking him to at least speak Zulu, Xhosa, hell, I could even try and understand Sotho, anything for him not to keep saying offensive things to people in public! He would say the first word in Xhosa and the rest of the thing in English. Father, help me! We went to sit down, turned out, they gave us one chicken and fries. I started eating. I had to eat fast before he settled down, you know he was gonna spit all over that meal! He asked where the rest of the food was. I told him they didn't give it to us. Oh Lord! He started screaming from across the restaurant, Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! (remember everything has to be said three times), you didn't, you didn't, you didn't.... everyone at the restaurant was looking at him. They had been eyeing him from the time we got there for all the offensive things he had been saying out loud anyway. He walked to the counter, I gobbled down the food, really not even enjoying it, because I didn't want to be there. When he got back to the table, I literally had both my hands over my plate, covering it up from the shower of spit falling from the cloud that is his mouth. trust me, It's worse than you can imagine! He was talking about how he has been in the US for 14 years, the entire story of his life. How tough he has had it and how he has no friends (that one's obvious but ok, keep going...), the only people who pretend to be his friends only want to use him. There's a 74 year old woman that he had dated, she turned out to be a user. (Duh!), and another older woman who turned out to be users too. Some people, he moves into his apartment, then they try to have him kicked out blah blah blah blah, problem after problem! I get having problems, trust me, nobody gets it better than me, but please! For the love of God, don't lead with that! First figure out if someone even wants to spend time with you, don't hijack them at gunpoint and then ram your problems down their throat! I recorded some of his yapping. I had to!

I asked them to pack some of my food. I took it home. Carly was hungry, I gave it to her. When Chris' hour was up, I got up, no warning, no nothing, LET'S GO! It's time! He asked if he could finish his food. This dude ordered the entire restaurant, now he's talking non stop, he will never finish eating. I told him, I had to leave, he's more than willing to stay behind and finish his meal. I had told him all I had to spare was an hour, and that was it. Oh please, blah blah blah, you know I ended up giving in. Because it's all about Chris! We finally left. We walked back to my apartment, when we got there, he tried to continue yapping, I was like, bye! He tried to give me a hug. But it's one of those where you tilt to the left, he tilts to the left too, so then you decide to tilt to the right, cos you're not trying to make out with him, he follows suit, at the end of it all, I was just like, bye, Chris. He said, Bye Brook (kinda like a three year old girl would say), it was nice to hang out with you. We should do it again (yeah right, I need that like I need a hole in the head), Don't you wanna walk me to the bus stop? I told him, no, I don't want to walk you to the bus stop! We've done enough walking. I was thinking that if I had done that, he would have walked me back to my apartment, then begged me (read: forced) me to walk him back. F*ck off! What the hell is this? Get outta here! What kind of a creature are you, trying to spoil yourself at my expense? You're not my fiance! This is not our honeymoon! Disappear already!

As he was walking away, he yelled, "call me later and ask if  I got home safely!"


Tembz Didit said...

Oh gosh. Are you sure you didn't dream this up? Are you sure you didn't dream him up? I hope you don't get coerced into another "dinner date". Where is his family? Is he really 60 years old.

Babalwa Brook said...

Tembz, doll, I wish I did!
I wish I did!
I wish I did!
His entire family is in South Africa. He hasn't seen them since he came here. He's 45