Fat Pig

Morning after passing out with Charlie at my place

Chicken tenders or whatever you wanna call them and fries and that cheesy bread thing

I was counting calories then, this meal was more than my quota for the day. Oops!

I couldn't finish the super thick milkshake, too full!

Above, is the breakfast Charlie and I had morning after the laundry

One morning, I was on my way downtown to donate plasma or blood. I left quite early because it can be packed over there, ain't nobody got all day just to donate plasma. I walked to the bus stop on the Strip. There was a lady already at the stop when I got there. I greeted her and stood next to where she was sitting. She seemed like she was a 'working girl', if you know what I mean. It doesn't bother me. It's not my body she uses for any of that 'work'. Not too long after I got there, this guy shows up in a blue Toyota SUV. He slows down and smiles at me. I politely smile in return. He drove off. Not before the lady fixed herself up as if to get the guy's attention. A minute later, a guy in a blue Toyota SUV, smiles, slows down and waves at me. I smile in return and take no note of the fact that it could be the same guy. A minute later, lo and behold the same bleeping guy comes back! I was just like, ok now, the fck is going on here? By then the lady had walked down the street, probably to avail herself in case that guy came back, which he did. When the guy came back for the third time, I was just like, no dude, I'm waiting for the buy, I am not selling anything. The heck!

I did what  I had to do at the blood place, they stab you with this ginormous needle and suck a whole lot of blood from you. It goes through a machine, which takes out the plasma and then returns the rest of your blood into your system. After all that, they bondage you like this...

My ashy arm. I was always ashy in Vegas, no amount of lotion was enough

Walking to the bus stop in the heat, I was sweating bullets. 

No jokes!  Desert heat!

I was walking towards the bus stop, minding my own business when...

Say it ain't so!

I tell you this is way in the afternoon! When I first saw this guy, it was in the morning! Then I saw him in a different part of town that afternoon. He pulled up at that parking and hollered at me. I turned around, took a picture of his car and asked if he's stalking. Silly question, of course! Like he's gonna tell me if he is, right? He told me he wasn't , it was a coincidence, he wanted to talk to him. I told him I was not interested. Fortunately, the guy who was sitting next to me at the clinic came by, I walked with him to the stop. I told him about that guy, he was like, Watch out for these Mexicans, they like black women. 

That's what happens when I show cleavage. This probably happens to most women. 

Me, that day.

That's not even a fraction of them, in real life haha! I got 99 problems, but a cup size ain't one of them. I write that because Jay-Z's song 99 problems just came up as I'm typing this lol.

I saw this at the clinic and liked it

Charlie and I continued chatting without seeing each other. One Afternoon, I wanted to go to the movies, Tony and I had agreed that we were going to see the movie, Blended together. I asked her that morning if she wanted to go, she wasn't feeling well, or something. Then turned around and told me she had just got home from buffet with this guy she was seeing, so I thought, I'd just go to the movies by myself; on my way there, I got lost and ended up right at the bakery. Of course, I went in! They had a dozen giant rolls on sale, I bought the brown and the white ones. I took them to the movies with me. I wasn't going to eat them in there, but I didn't have a car to leave them in. I tried to buy a ticket, the guy told me to leave my rolls in the car, food wasn't allowed in the theatres. Oy! He just wouldn't let me. I asked if I could leave them in the office, he was like, nope! I was so excited, I had already checked in on Facebook that I was at the movies. The guy let me stand there like a fool with two huge bags full of giant rolls. Eventually I left, my feelings were so hurt! I called my sister, she didn't pick up. Great! I walked towards the but stop, my sis called back. I was over it by then. We talked about other stuff, then I got a text from Charlie. He asked if I wanted to hang out at his place. His roommate had, apparently moved out. Finally.

I told him I was on my way home, he offered to pick me up. I took my God-forsaken rolls home, had one or two for lunch and Charlie came by. I offered him one of the dozens. He told me he had bread at his house. We rode to his place. It was my first time there. It's a one bedroom apartment, with a king size bed. I loved king size beds. I had a custom made one back in South Africa. Size is everything. We hung out and talked, then he took me to dinner. We just went around the corner and decided to try some Chinese place next door to his apartment. The food was divine over there, oh my goodness! 

They gave me a lot of meet too, see? Rice was on the side

I had pork, Charlie had beef, it came with rice. I know mine did. I always order rice, I seem to love it more and more everyday. The food was off the chains and the lady was so nice too. We Took the food home. We sat and ate and watched TV, it was really nice. 

My mango drink with those sweet, black round things whose name I always forget

I may have mentioned when Charlie was at my place that I didn't have my towels there, some of my stuff was at Chris' in LA. He was nice enough to store my stuff at his place for me at no charge. I did give him a whole lot of stuff in return, but he didn't want anything from me for keeping the stuff. I hadn't had a chance yet to get the rest of my stuff when I met Charlie. I mean, I practically met Charlie the same month I moved to Vegas. 

When I was leaving for my place, he gave me a brand new towel to use in the meantime. He gave me a stylus (those touch screen pens for your phone and tablet), his. I thought it was cute, he gave it to me and wouldn't take no for an answer. He also gave me pepper spray for safety. I have never had to use it, knock on wood! 

I may have snacked on half a tub of this Hazelnut spread at Charlie's. So good!

The stuff he gave me, of course I took a picture of everything! You're welcome!

He took me home, we hung out over there, lay on my tiny bed, nothing compared to his king size, and listened to music. We also watched my favorite morbid shows. The first 48. Which, if you haven't seen it, documents police as they try to make an arrest after the first 48 hours of a murder. Riveting show! My least favorite part is seeing the loved ones of the deceased. I hit mute when we get to that part. 

That afternoon, Charlie went back to his house to nap before he went to work that night. He sent me a random text about how his friend told him that I would never be faithful to him. I was like, why wouldn't I be? He said, the friend also called me this, that and the other. And that whole thing about the friend calling me a fat pig and Charlie defending me by saying, "She's MY fat pig!" At some point, I think the pressure of it all cause Charlie to ask me to lose 30 pounds. I told him I was already watching my weight, if he was going to tell me what to do with my life, he was going to mess up with my vibe. Like, don't tell a girl to lose weight, I don't care what your friends say! Otherwise, don't be with that girl!

After a few days, I sent Tony a text, asking how she was doing. There was this guy that she was seeing, long, complicated story but not mine to tell. I wanted to hear about that as well. She didn't reply. Oh well. One afternoon, she sent me a text, telling me how her feelings were hurt because she and I had agreed we were going to go to the movies together, next thing she knew, I checked in on Facebook that I was at the movies watching the very movie that she and I were going to see. That thew me completely off because, WHAT?!!?!?!?! She had told me she was sick and turned around and went out to a buffet, unless the buffet was at her house! I was glad she brought up her concerns but at the same time, I thought it was pretty weird considering her life wasn't at a stand still and I had to put mine on hold and wait for her. Plus, I never even got to see that movie. After I couldn't watch it at at the cinema, that very night, I got to Charlie's and downloaded the heck out of it online and watched it the very following day. Tony and I patched things up and were friends again.

Charlie and I just kept chatting via text, nothing serious. Hunter, remember him? The uber hot guy who cooked for me?Well... we were still talking! I was kind of in a funk one Friday when he asked if I wanted to go visit him. I agreed. He told me he didn't have his car, it was with a mechanic. He asked me to take a cab, he was going to refund me when I got to his place. I knew, I was guaranteed a great time when I got there, so I took the bus.... two.. and a cab. The cab took, roughly, forever before it got there and I was so close to Hunter's place. I couldn't walk, it wasn't that close. The cab companies told me that it was the weekend, everybody wanted to make money, nobody wanted to drop someone off, two miles away. They made a good point, but what was I to do? Eventually, two taxis were on their way to pick me up. I took the first one that arrived. I was lucky, there was a Taco Bell at that bus stop, they let me wait there and charge their phone without having bought anything. 

By the time I arrived at Hunter's, I was not in the mood at all. I just wanted to vent about the horrendous, three hour trip to his place. He wasn't having it! It must have been the full moon or something because Hunter wasn't in the mood either. When I got there, he paid the driver, gave me a hug, I started talking about how long it took me to get there, he told me he didn't want to hear about it. I was there now, and that was all that mattered. That caught me so off guard! We went into the house, sat on the sofa, he was watching a movie, he's always watching a movie! We had a lousy conversation, about Lord knows what, I didn't care, he said something rude, I didn't care, I told him I was going to bed. I walked away. 

As soon as I got into bed, Hunter jumped into the bed, held both my hands together with one hand behind my back, it hurt because that's not normally what I do with my hands; he whispered in my ear. Don't ever walk away from me again! Whoa! WTF?!?!?

Miss Plus America

Tortoise and I hung out one day.

Yours truly at Tort's. His art in the background. He's a very talented artist

We spent some time at my place, then he took us to his where I sat on the computer while he played the blues on the guitar. I looked for fun jobs online, there was a post about Miss plus size America. Of course I applied! They got back to me telling me they already had enough girls but were still looking for organisers. They wanted people to get them sponsors etc. Those people would get paid in commission if at all. I can't even remember because I rolled my eyes at that. I just wonder if they were looking for girls at all or used that to lure people and then attempt to use them to find them sponsors. Sorry, not interested. To me, they just seem like the people who post an ad looking for a personal shopper, they are going to send you a giant check that you must cash, use some of the money to shop and then send the rest back to an address that they send you. Of course, there would be a problem with the check because it's fake, you would be out a wad of money when the bank gets back to you about the fake check you just cashed. Basically, you've just been robbed! Before we left, Tortoise gave me an old business card with a handwritten phone number on the back. He told me to call that guy, he's single and plays drums. I asked why he wouldn't get the guy to call me instead of making me some thirsty ass girl, calling random drummers. I love me some musicians though but you know what I mean.

The 50 cent shoes I got at Ross  when out with Tortoise

Tort took me to dinner at some casino not too far from his place. He lives in the suburbs so there aren't that many casinos there but it's Vegas, so there are bound to be some close by.

We walked all the way to the restaurant. As we got there, I realised that I didn't have my cellphone with me and flipped! I could have dropped it anywhere. I hoped that it was in Tort's car. I asked him to give me his car keys so I could go check in the car. He told me if it's in the car, it was still gonna be there after dinner, let's eat first! I was like, I couldn't, I was going to look for it all the way back to the car, I might as well look for it in the car as well when I got there if I wasn't going to find it on the way. He kept coming up with excuses as to why it wasn't such a big deal, if it was in the car, I was going to find it after dinner. Eventually, he gave me the car key, looked at me hesitantly, and said, ok, I'll come with you! I had a feeling, he thought I was going to steal his car; drive it to Africa, maybe?

He came along, we found the phone on the floor of the car, went back to the restaurant and had Mexican.

Taco, Hot Tamele and other things I can't remember the names of

The food was delicious. After dinner, Tort took me home. It's always a nice time hanging with him. 

When I got home, I wondered if I should call the guy but decided against it. I mean, what do you say? Hi, can I please be your girlfriend? Would you like to be my boyfriend? Do you date black girls? What do you say?

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AT  the BBW Club, the guy I told you about here came by. He shook Tony's hand, said hi, shook mine, asked how we were doing and that was it. THAT WAS IT! I was so relieved! We spent the rest of the night, having fun, dancing. I danced with some girls, who, I found out later on are in uhm, the adult entertainment business? Is that how you say porn stars nowadays? Fun all around. I had never been among so many plus sized women. I must tell you, it felt nice! I felt skinny. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I knew what it is to be a spinner. We left after a number of hours. Tony dropped me home and went on her merry way. We planned to hang out again. 

Side note: I'm playing music randomly on my iTunes as I type this and Tortoise's song just came on. I must tell you, it's one of my favorite songs. I wish I could let you hear it. I will see if I can put it up on YouTube and post a link here. I also have Speedy's band's music but the quality of the recording isn't that great, so, we'll see. 

I was on my way job hunting along The Strip

It's fun to have fun for a living but every now and again, it's good to find a real-ish job to top up your savings, feel me? 

Same Day as above. These sunglasses have since broke. I miss them

I had a list of places that had advertised jobs online. I sent emails, texts, went in person to fill out applications, that was on the way there in the above pictures. and below.... 

Celine Still had her residency there. I believe she is no longer there.

My last stop was at Ceasars Palace.

Outside Ceasar's Palace

I went in,didn't get a vibe I was going to get the job but completed the application regardless. I was already there after all. 

I love the fake sky in some of the Casinos. I've seen it at The Venitian and Ceasar's where I took a couple of pictures...

They have Gordon Ramsay's Restaurant in there. Remember Daniel? The Italian who took me to a really nice restaurant in Hollywood for our first date? Gordon Ramsay's restaurant. Seeing Gordon's restaurant at Ceasar's reminded me of that time. It's not the same restaurant though, he has all kinds of restaurants.

PCD's store at Ceasar's.

Vegas is a really exciting place. If you haven't been there, do yourself a favor and check it out. Hell, go to the BBW Club, just don't make out with two guys the same night. Or do!

Bringing a Gun To a Knife Fight

Charlie texted me with an update about his ex girlfriend. Apparently, the date didn't happen. He told me that he thought about everything I said and decided not to go out with her. During the same conversation, he told me that they set up a date at some karaoke bar, she was an hour late, he could no longer wait, so he left and blocked her. Apparently, he was having transportation problems, that's why she was running late, I don't know why he couldn't wait. Clearly, he wanted to give the relationship a second chance. He asked to take me out on his off day. I told him I would have to think about it.

We kept texting back and forth, one thing about him, he always responded to emails and texts unlike some guys I've, sadly, got to know. He told me that his roommate was in the process of moving out, when he has moved out, maybe we should hang out at his place and watch a movie or something. He had just bought himself this ginormous TV. I told him I was open to that but he wasn't going to lock me up in his apartment with old movies on our first number or dates. He needs to take me out like a normal person. He told me he has lots of food in his house, all kinds of food. If I knew how to cook, I should go make us a meal at his house. I was like, yeah, sorry, not really the cooking type. I mean, am I married? Who am  I cooking for? Why am I cooking for them? I didn't have a stove at my place, just a refrigerator and a microwave. I missed cooked food but I wasn't desperate.

We talked for weeks and weeks, he just didn't have time to meet up. One afternoon, I was at the laundromat, we texted, I asked if he was home. He was. I told him to come hang with me. We were really getting along, we talked all the time. He showed up on his bike in a very orange outfit, orange shorts, orange t-shirt and neon orange sneakers. I loved the sneakers though. Not sure about the rest of the outfit. Good thing it wasn't mine! Did I mention he brought a gun? Talk about bringing a gun to a knife fight, only there were no knives, nor a fight. He also brought me $10 in Quarters (20 cent coins) for the machines in the laundromat. That was sweet! Still not sure about the gun and the orange outfit. I asked about the gun, he told me that he never gets to carry it, so any chance he can, he takes it with him. Go figure. #FashionStatement

Cute, right?

We hung out at the laundry and talked about all kinds of things. He told me that his roommate was still at his place, he was still looking for an apartment to move to. I don't know how hard the roommate was looking for an apartment. I also asked Charlie if the roommate was the one renting from him or was it the other way round by any change. He assured me that the lease was on his name (Charlie's name). Charles was so desperate to know how old I was. I told him I was older than him, and that's all he needed to know. I was on Facebook, he asked to see something, I showed him. Next thing I know, he's red in the face. What happened? He scrolled up, looked at my personal details, saw my age and freaked out. Well, that's what you get, kind Sir! You think you are going to look for something and not find it? Haven't you read the Bible? Seek and ye shall find, boo boo! He told me he didn't know how he felt about the age difference because his mom told him that a woman should only be so much older, anything over and above that, the relationship will never work out. It was good to know that his mom had a minute or two to teach him some life lessons. More on the mom later!

When we were done with laundry, Charlie wanted to come chill at my place. I took the bus with my giant bags full of laundry, he rode the bike to my place. We sat and talked and listened to music. He was meant to leave late that night but both of us passed out on the bed. Gun and all!

The following morning, he took me out for breakfast. It was nice to have him around, I must say. he has a really nice vibe about him. He left after breakfast.

Chicken Tenders, my latest favorite thing!

My milkshake brings all the boys in the yard and they're like...

 He was working that night. When he got to his house, he took a nap. Upon waking up, he sent me text talking about his roommate said I'm too old, it will never work out between him and I. I will control him, and blah blah blah. Oh Lord, I was like, talk to me about all this in person. I'm not having a text conversation about this. I don't even know if it's you I'm talking to or the roommate.

On his way to work, he came by, brought me a bunch of roses. It was really cool, thinking that he rode his bike in Uniform and had a vase with water and a dozen red roses in there for me. I don't know how he managed to carry all that, but I was impressed and gladly accepted the roses. We hung out for an hour before he left for work. He had to pass my work on his way to work, I lived halfway in between.

We kept chatting during the week, without seeing each other.

I stopped to smell the roses in my red Ralph Lauren PJ's

I made friends with a lady whom I met online on a friendship site. We whatsapped for a while back and forth and seemed to have a lot in common. I was excited to make new friendships. We'll call her Tony. Tony suggested we go to a BBW Club off the strip (Big Beautiful Women). I agreed. You know me, I'm down for whatever. Plus, I'd always wanted to go to a BBW Club. She suggested we met at the club, late at night. I wasn't sure about meeting someone for the last time in the middle of the night. What if they were not who they said they were? I was like, how about we meet somewhere in the daytime first, and then go to the club a different night or so? She was cool. We met for drinks at a mall halfway between us. I hadn't been at that mall yet, I like going to new places. I took the bus there, it was nice and hot, I use the word nice loosely, this is Vegas we're talking about; the desert, hot means scorching hot.

Getting ready to meet up with Tony, Comfy Nine West Heels and Jessica Simpson Bag

We literally arrived there at exactly the same time and we recognised each other as we crossed paths at the mall, she was driving, looking for parking, I was walking, looking for the restaurant.

The mall was pretty, Town Square, was the name of it. We ate from the Happy hour menu, Cheap is the only way to go! I had calamari, she had salad and I can't remember what else. We had such a nice time! Instant chemistry, over text, she had told me that she is shy and doesn't go out much.

Calamari. It was alright, nothing to write home about

When I met her, she was anything but shy, she was cool, funny, we laughed out loud. It was such a good time. I'm smiling just thinking about it. I was looking forward to our friendship. She is a teacher, so she is available weekends etc. I am available, all the time lol.

The night of the BBW event, she was going to pick me up, turned out the club was off my street. I lived off Sahara and Las Vegas Blvd aka The Strip, the club is on the other side of Sahara and The Strip. I could've walked if it weren't in the middle of the night. I had had a long day, and the heat will get ya! Apparently, I passed out and didn't even hear Tony's calls when she came to pick me up. I woke up after an hour or so of her calling and texting me from outside my place. I wish I had told her which one my door was so she could come knock there and maybe I would've woken up. I felt so bad when  I finally woke up and it was an hour later! I was sure she had left without me. I felt horrible! I called her and fortunately, she was still outside. She had a couple off calls she needed to make, so she decided to park outside my place and take care of those while there,and luckily, I called while she was still there, on the phone.I quickly freshened up. I asked her to come in while I did. I didn't want her waiting for me much longer. You know how slow time moves when you're waiting for someone? It's better if you can see that they are actually getting ready.

I got ready in no time, and we left for the club. Goooooo! We were there in no time. Tony had told me she had been at that club before, she made out with the DJ the first time she went there, I believe, then she went again and the DJ and the friend he went with ended up in a fight over her. I was like, look at you! Men fighting over you! As we arrived, I found out that the story about the guys who fought over her didn't end there. They both wanted to go home with her, that's what the fight was about! Long story short, one of the guys, I think the one she made out with, ended up stalking her. He sent her texts about how he wished her dead. She told me she was glad she wasn't alone that night, the night we were there together. I secretly wished she hadn't told me that, because now, what happens if the guy was there that night? Then what? Am I safe? She told me she feared for the safety of her car because the guy knew her car. Oh Lord! Just as we were about to walk in, she told me this! Now, I'm freaking the freak out! We walked in, they had a 50% off special on entry fee. My kinda gig!


We got in, found us a nice spot to sit at, ordered drinks, and chilled for a second and ..... Tony was like, oh my gosh, here's the guy I told you about? UHM, THE ONE WHO WISHED YOU DEAD? Yes......

The guy came towards us......

Roach Attack!

Tortoise came to see me. He is so sweet, he brought me stuff for my new place.I guess it was a roof wetting or house warming party since the last time he was there,  remember,when he was brutally honest about his opinion of it? He brought me a nice and comfy rug, which I greatly needed. It's the comfiest rug you will ever own! It has memory foam.

It's bigger than it looks here. (that's what he said, haha)

Mhhh, perfect for my on and off (American translation: Off and on or On again, off again :)) heel spur; at least I didn't have rude awakenings every time I got out of bed. He also brought me stuff like Green tea, Apple Cider Vinegar, multivitamins and tons of bottled water oh and a nice pillow.

He heard me say that the one that came with the apartment wasn't doing the trick, he told me he had a spare one at his place. That was so thoughtful of him. I was humbled by his generosity.

That's everything, well some of the tings Tortoise brought me. Nice, huh?

One night, while sound asleep, I felt something taking a stroll right across my face. I was so tired, I slept with my mouth wide open, probably snoring. The thing felt gigantic! I hit it off my face, away from the mouth. Back off from the hole! Double you Tee Eff! I head the sound as it landed on the floor. F*ck me! What could this creature be that has invaded my new home? Am I safe here? Do I want to stay here or should I keep looking? I got out of bed, hoping not to step on it, or worse... bump into it! Sh*t, I don't know how big the thing was, or tall. It could be taller than me for all I know! I am not familiar with desert creatures. Plus, this is Vegas, What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, who know what had happened and what someone left behind, could this be what ended up on my face, headed for my mouth? I turned on the light, freaking out like hell! It was a gigantic Roach. The desert type. I'm not talking about a cockroach, the small ones that multiply in milliseconds, I mean the great-grandfather of that entire village of cockroaches.

After I murdered it a gazillion times.

I quickly grabbed the broom, I aimed, broom in hand, karate stance, eyes about to pop out of my head. The thing shot straight for me, Fuuuuuccckkkkk! I ducked and dove, and jumped onto the bed! God love my neighbors, they must have wondered 'the fck is that big mamma doing over there in the middle of the night. I'm tryna sleep damnit, I lost all my money in the casinos, I need to regroup.' My bad, yall! Roach Attack! I got on the bed and with broom still in hand and karate stance. I never wished I had a gun more in my life. I wanted to shoot the nerve to chase me around in my own home out of that sucker. I jumped back down, looked for the roach again. It went under my bed. NOOOOO! Not under the bed! How am I going to go back to sleep? I had to move the bed. Sorry neighbors! 

I finally got it and killed it a thousand times. I had to make completely sure it was dead! Then I killed it again!

Not for the faint at heart

Tort was nice enough to bring a gallon of bug spray along when he came to see me one time, he sprayed all over my place, after I told him about my horrendous ordeal. Sweet guy!

Tort brought his guitar and a bottle of wine when he came over. Did I mention he brought his own chair to sit on as well? Yup! A fold up chair, red in color. He set it up, moved sht around my apartment, opened up his guitar case, put it in the middle of the room, had his lyrics on there somewhere, opened up the bottle of wine. It was red velvet wine. I didn't know they made that flavor. Red Velvet is my favorite cake, I had mentioned this to him prior, I guess that's where the inspiration came from for the vino.

Unfortunately for him, I don't drink alcohol and to the surprise of everybody who knows me, I'm not drunk haha. He had to drink alone, my bad! He sang the blues while drinking his red velvet wine, strumming away on his blues guitar. It would have been nice if we were in a bigger space. My studio apartment was too small for that, the neighbors and landlord were too close for comfort. It was just not the time or place. I didn't expect him to show up with a 6 piece band and set up in my studio! He told him to sing backup, I guess we were rehearsing. Someone didn't get the memo (pointing at self).

After what felt like forever, Tort left, I gave him a hug, thanked him for everything and wished him well.

Vegas Wedding?

Hair before I washed the dye out

What is happening right now? Are we really gonna do this? I've only seen this guy in pictures, we haven't even talked on the phone. Not that anybody talks on the phone anymore. Phone calls are for telemarketers. I ran around in circles, talk about a headless chicken! I finally peeped through the window to see if he was really there. He was! He looked a tad bit shorter than he did in pictures. Ok, maybe a little more than a tad bit, he looks tall in pictures and is short in real life. There! I said it! But we've made a commitment, we're doing this, short guy or not. Who knew I of all people would marry a short guy? No offence to short guys but I like what I like.

I walked out the door with my hair still full of hair dye. I hadn't washed it yet. I hadn't got into the full swing of things in Vegas. I hadn't noticed how ashy I was getting, especially in the morning. I have no idea why, but I would wake up with my legs looking as white as snow, as if I hadn't applied any lotion the previous day after my shower. It's Vegas, baby! Welcome to the desert! I put on a random outfit because mama doesn't wear any clothes around the house. I walked out towards my future groom sssssllloooowwwllllyyyyy but ssuurreelly. At least it seemed like I was taking forever to get to him. I didn't know what he would think now that we are seeing each other in person. I wasn't looking my best, CLEARLY! I hadn't showered yet and my hair was in the process of getting done, but I didn't care. I wasn't self conscious or anything. Why should I? Take it or leave it!

He was like, "heeeeyyyy!" I was like, hiiiii, how are you? I can't believe you came! We chatted for a little bit. He asked me where I wanted to go, like, you know, to hang out. Hang out? The f*ck is this dude talking about? This is my wedding day, hotdamnit! I am not hanging out on my wedding day, are gonna do this or not? Haha. I asked him why he came? He told me he thought it was about time we finally met. I asked him what about the proposal. He said, 'Don't you think it's too soon to get married?' NO, I DON'T! CLEARLY, I DON'T. THAT'S WHY I SAID LET'S DO IT! DUH! He had this calm about him though, that made you just wanna hang round him and get to know him. He had this vibe that made me feel safe and that whether we got married that day or not, I was going to be his one and only. He is younger than me but is an old soul. Plus, he has blue eyes ;) I tried to hint that we should grow his hair but he can't. He's a security guard, he has to have his short and as I got to know him, I found out, he thinks he's a cop, so he does things as cops do, so hey! Meaning, not only am I settling for a short guy, I will also have to do without my long hair. Ain't life a bitch?

We sat on the side of the road and talked forever! My legs were getting ashier by the minute. I had to say something. You know when you're so self conscious about something, it's the only thing on your mind and you think that's all people see when they look at you? I didn't want this guy thinking I'm an ashy ass slob. I have dry skin, but goddamnit, I'm never ashy! They got worse when I sat on the pavement.

Notice the ash on my leg! I'm telling you, it was bad!

 I felt like I was six again. He's closer to six than my real age, so, in a weird way, it all worked out haha.

He offered to take me out for brunch but of course I wasn't ready for any of that. I needed to finish doing my hair! Ugh, I sound like a broken record! Eventually, I let him go. He was going to sleep. He worked nights. I, well, you know what I needed to do by now. #BrokenRecord. We had a mini photo-shoot outside my place on the bike before he left.

 went back to my place thinking to myself, 'what just happened?' As you may know by now, that is the story of my life. I constantly go through experiences that make me go, what just happened. It's not a good or bad thing, it's just a thing. He texted me when he got home that it was nice to meet me blah bah blah. He lived about three miles away from me (just under 5km). He said we should meet up again. He followed that text with a dick pic. I thought to myself, does this guy have split personality or what? WTF is going on here? This is not the same guy  I hung out with for two hours just now! I guess, like most people, he has guts when he's behind his phone screen. I told him if he didn't stop sending me his dick pics, I was going to block his ass. Or his dick, haha, whichever came first. #CockBlocking.

He would never apologise for sending these pics, he always had a 'valid' reason why he did it. He continued to text me about meeting up again in a few days. He was going to buy me a helmet and we were going to go on our date on the bike. He has a motorbike. I thought that was sweet, I told him to get me a pink one ;)   I was so excited, I was about to be a biker chick, even if just by association. Good Times, awaited! 

Charles had told me that he had been in a serious relationship before that lasted a year to a year and a half. I don't know how he didn't know exactly if it was a year or and a year and a half but I let that one slide. They had been broken up for, hey, who knows? Something or other. But they were broken up. Apparently, he cheated on him with another white guy. She was Blaxican, I think, (black + Mexican) or just black. I guess he wouldn't have had a problem if she had cheated on him with a black guy or any other race but white. He told me she wanted to get back together at some point, but he was so done. He hates cheats blah blah blah. Who doesn't?

He , like everyone else who lives in Vegas is originally from California. His family now lives in Colorado, he was alone in Vegas. He had a roommate who was in the process of moving out because he was behind on his rent. He told me he was excited, he was about to get his place back. I was like good for you! Whatevz.

As we were texting after he left, he, out of the blue told me that he was sorry, but he wouldn't be able to see me again, he was going to get back together with his ex. Apparently, she had just texted him and wanted to get back together, he wanted to give her another chance. He told me that we could be friends because he liked me. I thought to myself, dang, good thing we didn't get married that morning, shoot! I was new in Vegas, literally fresh off the boat. I could use friends but at the same time, Charlie was sketchy as f*ck, I don't want such people in my life. We can be husband and wife, but I'd be damned if I'm gonna be friends with such a shady character! I didn't know what to say when he broke the news about the ex to me. He also told me to call him if I needed anything, he knew I was new in town and didn't have a car. He told me he would drive me around if I needed a ride somewhere. I mean, what do you do with someone like that? It was a heck of a roller-coaster, I couldn't even begin to tell ya!

That afternoon, I needed to ship stuff I sold on eBay. Charlie offered to give me a ride to the store to get wrapping paper and to the post office. It was hot as heck outside, so I accepted the offer.

Half my outfit that afternoon. When he saw me, he was shocked at how well I cleaned up, haha. From Ashy to Classy

He came around and let me use the helmet. We rode to the store. On our arrival at the store, he told me that he had never had a passenger on his bike before. That made me nervous because with bikes, you wanna be extra careful. Here I am, weighing probably double what this guy weighs and I'm his first passenger, ever! Lord help me! I asked him to please drive slowly. Otherwise, I was totally ok with taking the bus. He offered to pay for me at the store. I let him. I needed something else from the 99 cents store. I wasn't embarrassed to go to the 99 cents store because the dude had already dumped me. What do I care? I ain't tryna impress someone who broke up with me on what was supposed to be our wedding day! He offered to pay over there as well. When he saw me eyeing this, he bought it for me...

Cute, right?

It's a memo pad set, envelops ad a pencil inside. He dropped me off at my place. No mention of the break up and the ex or the wedding, nor the dick pic for that matter. I just went with the flow too. 

When he got home, he continued to text me about the ex. They were going to meet up the following Monday, that was the day we had planned to go on our date. He came up with this brilliant plan that I could always go there as well. In fact, he said, why don't you and I go on our date that night, I won't tell him that our date is off, I will let her come there and find me sitting there with you? I was like, yeah, no, that's not gonna happen. What is this? The Jerry Springer show? F*ck you! You don't even know me, what kind of a ridiculous plan is this? He told me that if I wanted him, I should fight for him. I thought, poor thing, nobody ever fought for him, he's begging girls he met on the internet to fight for him. That's the only logical explanation why he would want me to fight for him.  I don't fight. I never do, he had the wrong girl! I was like, you know what dude. This thing with you and your ex is a joke, it's not gonna work, you had a chance to take me on a date, you just blew it. Good bye!

Charlie on his way home. Bye Felicia!

Just like that, he changed his mind, he told me he had already ordered my helmet online, he was going to receive it in a few days, let's still go out. Or we can go out day before his date with his ex, see if we get along, if not, he was going to get back with his ex, if we get along, he was going to cancel the date with his ex. I told him NO! I hadn't even made up my mind if I wanted him as a boyfriend (never mind that I wanted to marry him that morning, there's a difference :)), and he was gambling with me as if I was desperate to date his ass. By the end of it all, I was just so exhausted from the meeting that morning, to the nerve wrecking bike ride to the news about the ex, it was too much!

Let's Get Married!

Back to the drawing board! House hunting!

I saw a small studio like situation just off The Strip. It was a house with a room with it's own outside entrance, furnished, a kitchenette, bathroom and a tv. I was like, let's check this space out. I feel like I may have seen it while I was still in LA, before even moving to Vegas. I called the lady, and went through to Voicemail, she seemed nice. She ended her voicemail with, 'have a nice day!'

I left her a message and subsequently called her back. She picked up! She was home, so she invited me to go over and check the place out. It was about 15 mins walk from the hostel but because I don't walk, I took the bus there. Plus, it was too hot, don't judge me! I got off along The Strip and walked to the house. It's that close from The Strip, which worked perfectly for me! That's exactly what I was looking for! The space was much smaller than I'd expected. Aren't they all? It was furnished, which was a big plus but so were most places  I saw on Craig's list while I was still in LA. I needed a bigger bed just so I can stretch out for a change. Theirs was like a 3/4 size bed. It was a good deal though and I didn't feel like looking any more. I wanted to stay at the hostel for a week, that was my plan and I found that place my last day at the hostel. I spent one more night at the hostel and moved in the following day. I took the bus with half my luggage. The lady was nice enough to give me a ride to fetch the rest of my stuff at the hostel. It all worked out. The Air Conditioner was on, so was the ceiling fan. I wanted to get some stuff from the 99 cents store, you know, I had already found one close to my place! Luckily, the lady was going there as well, she gave me a ride, I bought groceries for the week. He saw places in my cart, told me to leave them, he was going to give me dishes, he also gave me a pretty umbrella and a broom. That was really nice of him. My place was more like a hotel; she took care of everything. Sweet lady, with an interesting past. She is a musician, she used to own her own restaurant, where she cooked herself; owned a salon where she did hair herself and then was a full time singer, she arranged her own gigs, from location, to everything, she is the sht!

She has pictures of her younger self all over the house, on stage etc. She was beautiful, still is.
I spent the rest of the day in bed, just hiding from the desert heat.

I told Tortoise that I found a place of my own. He told me he was going to come check it out. He was my first guest at my new place.

He arrived in his 6 pocket shorts and hat as usual! He told me the place was ugly and small, 'we have to find you a better place', he said. I was like, thanks for being an asshole. Don't come to my place that I found myself and am paying for and tell me crap like that! Rude! Soon after that, he told me the place was cosy, it was growing on him. I told him to drop it. It didn't have to grow or anything on him. It was my place, that's not why he was there, to have my place grow on him! I wasn't trying to impress him, I was just showing him my place, that's all. I mean, he showed me his house, I didn't diss it! There's a lot I could've said about that house, but I held back!

We hung around, just talking with Tort. Suddenly! I had this brilliant idea! OMG! I said. He was like, 'what?' I told him, we have a car! 'WE do?' Yeah, let's go somewhere! He asked where I wanted to go. I told him, I didn't care. Anywhere! Let's go to Kohl's. He was hesitant to take me there, I think he thought I was trying to make him buy me clothes. I feel sorry for people who jump to conclusions. What a way to live! He took me to this place he performs on Tuesdays where he wants me to be his backup singer. It was closed. It was written outside in big, bold letters, OPEN 24 HOURS. Clearly, it wasn't! From there, he drover around and drove around, before I knew it, we were at his house.

He showed me the T-shirts that he wants me to sell for him. He has lots of them in a number of suitcases in the garage. The garage is packed. It's also the neatest part of the house. We went in the house, he played some blues on the guitar. I asked him to play me a song. He did that thing that he does, If I ask him to play me a song by, Elvis Presley, he's going to play me a song by someone who sounds like Elvis. You can't tell me he doesn't know one song by Elvis. I asked to use his laptop and found a foot massager just in front of the computer, so I took off my shoes and dug in. I had socks on, so we were safe. I wouldn't wanna give him what I have, right? I don't have anything to give. FYI. I checked my emails and saw that someone replied to one of my applications. It was Miss Plus Size USA. Dream big of GTFOH, right? They sent me an application form, I completed it while there. He couldn't believe I was applying for that. Clearly, he doesn't know me.

He kept selling the t-shirt business idea and told me that I could make lots of money just doing that, then I wouldn't have to worry about looking for a regular job. Who said anything about a regular job? ;) He told me that I could sit with the T-shirts while we are at the place where he gigs, people would buy from me because I am a beautiful lady, nobody wants to buy a T-Shirt from him! LOL. I agreed. To the selling idea not to the fact that nobody wants to buy t-shirts from me. What do I know? I'm just a girl from Africa?

Later on, Tortoise took me to the mall, there was a 99 cents store there, so that's the first place I went to because I was hungry, I bought a snack and then met up with him at Ross Dress For Less. He came to me and told me to pick something I like, he was going to pay. That was very nice of him. I didn't really want anything. I just wanted to get out of the house and see Vegas. I did find a cute, glittery, silver pair of Guess heels for fifty cents though. You read right, 50 cents. Unprecedented! I grabbed them! They're a size too small but who cares? He saw shoes he liked for me and suggested I get myself a pair. I really didn't like them and fortunately they didn't quite fit, so we didn't get those. I told him I had 50 cents, I paid for my cheap shoes haha.

We went to some New York Pizza place where we had dinner. He ordered pizza, I ordered a soup;  sea food soup. My, oh my! That thing was to die for! His soup was gigantic, I had never seen such a huge pizza in my life, he offered me some. I had a slice, it was ok but I am not a big pineapple fan, so I stuck to my soup. He, of course, didn't finish his pizza. They boxed it up for him. He told me he wouldn't eat it again, he told me to take it home. So I did. I didn't have a stove at my new place. Just a microwave, which is what I mainly use to cook anyways. It's always nice to have options though.

After spending the entire day together, Tort took me home. It was a nice ride back, he lives a different side from Hunter or myself, so whenever I went to his house, I got to see a different side of Vegas. He dropped me off late, I watched some telly and went to bed. It was nice to have a tv for a change. I didn't have it at my place in Hollywood. I watched everything on TV. The Super guy I lived with and Speedy had one but no cable, just a couple of channels, that's it. They had their favorite shows they enjoyed, so I just used my laptop even then. This time I had cable,baby, whoo hooo, BravoTV all day, everyday.

I was still looking for a job, still trying to get settled though. In the midst of all that, I got an email from a guy online. We got to talking. We emailed back and forth for days. No meeting. He lived in Vegas, I lived in Vegas, why are we not meeting up? I don't know! He was younger, for a great change. He was in his mid 20's. He's looking for his wife. I can be a wife, right? Why not? I wanna be a wife. I deserve to be a wife goddamit!

Every now and then, I would take my umbrella, get on the bus and go to The Strip. Take pictures and live that touristy life. Why not? I would also fill out applications at the businesses on The Strip. I sent the younger guy some of my Strip pictures. He was like, mhhhh nice legs, then he sent me a dick pic in return. I was like WTF. I asked if that's what he does to all the girls he talks to, send them a dick pic? He told me yeah, but he hasn't been talking to  a lot of women. He wants me to see what he's working with so I can decide if I want to decide if I want 'it' or not, so to speak. That's not how he put it, but that's what he meant. I didn't know what to do with that piece of information, i.e. the pic. I deleted it, of course. He seemed like he thought it was normal to send that to women. He meant no harm. That was the sad part.

Unfortunately, I kept chatting with him. Not because he had a cute on or anything like that. Every now and then, we'd stop chatting, I guess we were both chatting to other people as well. One day, I sent him an email and said, 'Hey, let's get married!' He replied, "sure, when?" I told him that that morning at a chapel on the strip. There are plenty of wedding chapels on The Strip. It is Las Vegas, after all. He is looking for a wife, I want to get married, why not? That's reason enough to get married! He asked me what I wanted him to work. He works as security at one of the casinos. I told him to wear his uniform. He had just got off work. I was dying my hair as we were exchanging emails, making wedding plans, haha. I gave him an address down the street and told him to meet me there. He needed somewhere safe to park his motorcycle. I wasn't ready when he arrived. I still had to wash the hair dye off. I wasn't gonna get married looking like that! I hadn't even picked an outfit yet, haha. If this sounds crazy, try living it and being the one who's actually planning a wedding with someone you never met!

He sent an email, Hey, I'm here! I couldn't believe it! Sh*t, this kid was serious!

One Night With You

We drove off. We started off at the supermarket. He asked me what my favorite meat was. I told him, Pork. He tried to by collard greens, I've never even eaten those, I know they are an African American staple aka soul food. I jokingly told him that was a racist move. He bought some veggies. Something about that experience reminded me of my time with Spotty who would also take me to the store to grab a few things before cooking me dinner. It was sweet. I'm all for that! He asked if I wanted wine or something. I politely declined, and told him it would take more than a couple of wines to get into my pants. We went to the house. He was house-sitting for friends who were out of town. 

He changed into shorts and grabbed a towel. We went to the pool which was down the street from where we were. He happened to have the key for that pool. I don't quite follow what the whole deal was but whatevz, right? I sat on the side, on the pool chair and watched him swim. I enjoyed seeing his hair sling all the way to the back, so hot! He was shirtless too, mhhhhh! I went into the water for a sec, and ended up sitting on the stairs with my feet in the water. The water was fresh, there was shade where the pool was. He came and tried to pool me into the pool. Not cool! I freaked out, big time because I genuinely don't know how to swim! Whew! He got out and gave me a hug, which more than made up for that mishap. It made me feel alive, child! It had been a while since I had been hugged by a really hot guy!

When he was done swimming, we went back to the house. We got lucky, it was just us by the pool. He took a quick shower, while I waited in the living room. He came out naked from bathroom to bedroom. I didn't really see anything but I thought that was quite out there of him. We only knew each other for a couple of hours, Double You Tee Eff? He was like, sorry, and kept walking as if he forgot there was a random girl in the next room. Anyway, he came out with his hair tied and had fresh clothes on and cooked for me. Best part ever! I was standing there like I hadn't a care in the world but I must admit, I was charming. My pants were falling off a little bit. Dude, was charming the pants off me! Or should I say off of me? (American English :))

We watched some TV while he was cooking. He shifted the TV around a bit for us to see clearer, the thing turned off! Hunter then suggested we go eat upstairs, there's another tv up there. This was the main bedroom. We sat on the bed, and dug in. Oh my goodness, yumness! The food was divine! He made pork with amazing gravy that had mushrooms in it, mash potato and salad. Delish to infinity! I don't know what he put in that meat that just made it taste so insanely good!

Halfway through dinner, he kissed me. Mhhhh, we almost got carried away there but we had to focus, the gravy was about to spill all over the bed. We didn't want that! I cleaned up my plate, the food was that good! We made out some more after dinner. We may have done more than just made out but does a lady kiss and tell? I think not! All I can say was, it is not my modus operandi to get down on the first night but it happened and it was good! Who am I kidding? It was great! Did  I tell you there was a mirror on the ceiling of the room? Yup! I became one of those people who watch themselves in the mirror, haha! 

Afterwards, we just hung out and talked. He asked a bit about myself and previous relationships, I told him some,and asked about him. He told me about this woman who was his best friend al his life, she got married, he did his thing, but they always stayed in touch. Her husband was abusive, apparently one night, the husband forced her at gunpoint to give her head. Can you imagine? Crazy, right? Long story, that marriage didn't work out. Shocker! Then hunter and this woman ended up dating. He says it was perfect. unfortunately, not on her part. She broke up with him. He got all emotional and told me that she dumped him because she likes assholes and he's romantic and sensitive. I told him that's not a bad thing, girls like Sensitive, romantic guys. He was like no they don't, look what happened to me. He also kept telling me not to speak for this woman I don't even know. I was like omg, #isues! 

After the long story about the bff, Something he said put me off. It was how he said it, something about how he is not ready for a relationship blah blah blah, I thought to myself, perfect timing asshole! Soon thereafter, I got ready to leave . He asked me what I was doing, why do I have nervous energy. I told him, I don't know if he wants to call it that but I was ready to go home. He asked why, he thought we were having fun. We were but you can't pull a tool move and still expect to keep having fun. I wasn't a bitch about it, or didn't even act offended, I just told him I wanted to go home, that's it. Plus, we hadn't planned to spend the night or whatever, it was the pool and dinner, we had both and then some, so bye Felicia! 

He told me he wished I would stay. I could see that he had no clue that he offended me. I didn't really care at that point in time. On our way home, it was a bit of a drive, abut 20 minutes. He asked if I was ok. I told him why I wanted to go home. He apologized. He told me it came out wrong, he was enjoying my company and would have loved it if I stayed the night. I accepted the apology and let him drive me back to the hostel. It was a nice drive, he lives all the other side of the strip, I'm on the opposite side. We took the scenic route back to the hostel though, not through the strip. He was telling me stories about the hotels as we were driving past them, not all of them, he's a Poker player, not a tour guide! Oh yeah, that's what he does for a living! Wouldn't it be nice? 'What do you do for a living?' Who me? 'Yeah, you!' Oh, I'm a poker player! Thanks for asking! I wanna be that guy! The guy who has a cool job! Never mind, I am that guy. Duh! I have fun for a living!

Hunter promised to teach me, I can't gamble for sht. All I can do is play slots. I wanna be those people who play mental games and win wads of money. This is all he does for a living and he makes enough money to sustain himself! I digress. I thought to myself, why don't I just make a night out of this, it was great after all, might as well, go all out for the night and then forget about this guy. Right? We ended up back at the hostel. We had been cool all the way back there, so as soon as he pulled up, I told him I changed my mind. He was like, 'you're coming back with me?' Yeah, jerk, let's go! He was so happy to hear that! We drove back, blasting rock and roll in the car. We watched a movie and went to sleep. The  house is kinda big, he had his room, the spare room, downstairs and the main bedroom with a bathroom were upstairs. It was ok. It wasn't his house, so whatever, really. There's a fridge in the garage, that's where all the alcohol and tons of bottled water are stored. Me, being the water guzzler, I am, I frequented that fridge. 

The following morning, we hung out for a bit, Hunter made breakfast. A slice of bread, he dug out a heart in the centre of the slice, filled it with an egg, then grilled it. He made some cheesy something something on the side and topped the heart with it and put it next to the slice. It was so pretty and so delicious. It's the kind of stuff that can easily confuse a girl. All a girl ever really wants is a cute guy who is a rock start in bed, romantic, sensitive, cooks like the best of them and is a poker player, haha. That's it! No? If you're going to tell a girl you're not ready for a relationship and then make her heart shaped sandwiches in the morning, a girl can get confused! I'm good though, if you're gonna look me square in the eye and tell me where I stand with you, I hear you loud and clear. Hunter was once a cook in a restaurant, so he really can cook.

Around noon, he took me back to the hostel. When he dropped me off, he told me he had a good time, we should do it again. I was like, for sure! NOT! We exchanged text constantly after that. I wasn't taking him seriously because I am not trying to fall for another guy that's not into me like that. Been there, done that! Spotty anyone?