Monday, June 16, 2014

From Hell to Heaven

James and I spent the rest of the evening talking and laughing at his place. Later on, I went home to my darling Jon. He was always at home. Clearly, he never saw the part on my ad for roommate that said please have a job or school and a life. We didn't have internet. I paid extra to use my phone as a hotspot. That was just for me though because it is not the fastest. I would let him log on if he had something important to do on the net. Far as I'm concerned, it's not important enough if you're not going to pay for your own internet to do it but ok, have your sense of entitlement!

He would wait for me to get home and as soon as I got home, he would log on or if I didn't enable the hotspot thingy on my phone, he would walk around with a long face and be like, CAN YOU PLLLEEEEEESSEEE DO THE INTERNET THINGY, i NEED TO GO ONLINE! It's like what the heck, dude, you just wanna sext random men on that gay hookup site, who cares? I thought you said you had a job, why are you always home? Dang! 

I didn't see or hear from James again for a while. He has a life. That's the guy who should have roomed with me. Ugh! 

As time went on, the loneliness crept in again. I subscribed on the dating site. I got an email from a guy who lives about an hour away from LA. He seemed legit, in his early to mid forties, widowed, looking for a long term relationship. We emailed back and forth for a bit then he asked for my number. 

I saw an ad online where they were looking for people to participate in some kind of a weight loss research. I applied. We were going to get paid for participating. Score! This came about not long after my new friend, the one we went to the Queen Latifah show with, when we won tons of gifts? She gave me weightloss pills, it really bothered her that 'I am so beautiful, but so fat'. So I went along and took the pills. They made me really energetic, My eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my eyes, I think I was high or something. Maybe my pupils were dilated, who knows? I was bouncing off the walls, it was interesting.

I got accepted at the research thingy. Yay! They called me in for a physical check up and a ton of paperwork. I did all that, they weighed me and told me to get off the diet pills for two weeks and go back thereafter for another 'initial' weigh in. They told me that I would be disqualified if I gained more than 2lbs per week. That's less than 1kg! I knew I was going to watch what I eat and be careful in general, I wasn't going to let that opportunity pass me by. What I wasn't crazy about was that because that was research, they were going to put half the subjects on a placebo, half on the real weightloss pill and see who lost weight. I didn't wanna be on a placebo. I had real weight loss pills at home that were working just fine, dilated pupils at all. they got a pass cos they were going to pay me more than $3 000 after the six month period.


On my way home from the first appointment, I got a call from the guy I had been talking to online. We'll call him Rancho. He sounded better than he looked. I'm not saying he looked bad but he looked kinda nerdy, he sounded normal. We talked for an hour on the phone, it was nice. We seemed to have a few things in common. He told me he goes to Vegas quite often, I hadn't been to Vegas yet. He told me that he would take me. He also goes to San Francisco twice a year to shop. I was like oh no, that's in my list of to go places. He told me he would take me but first he needed to see if I liked him. I'm easy, I can like anyone, you should see the guys I've dated, sht, be nice to me, and I'm down. Be an asshole and I'm out, I won't even leave you a note goodbye. It's that simple.

We planned to meet the following day. He didn't care where we would go, I had to decide what we were going to do. I told him let's do lunch in Hollywood that way I wouldn't have to be in the car with him. I had learnt my lesson from being in a car with Persian Persuasion I still can't believe that man tried to rape me with his finger. You should have seen him trying to stick it in, trying to aim as much as possible. There I was ducking and diving and someone has a hang under my dress, trying to stick his finger in my private parts. Who does that? Rancho was ok with my idea. I told him we could go to the beach to chill after lunch. He was like, if the date goes well, I will take you to the beach, if not, I will take you home. Deal!  

I was excited to meet him. It's not everyday someone age appropriate wants to date me. We talked a little bit further and I was like screw it, let him pick me up, I'm not dressing up cute and taking the bus or worse, walking to the restaurant in the dusty streets of Hollywood. He came to pick me up that afternoon. I remember, I was on skype with my sister. I got ready while we were still chatting. He called to say he was going to be there in 40 mins, then he told me when he arrived. I was so nervous. I didn't know which wig to wear, if at all. Oh my goodness! My sister and I agreed on outfit. She logged off as I was about to walk out the apartment.

He told me he was driving a white car, he was out front. I rushed over there. No white car! He had driven around the block, there was no parking in front of our block, he told me to wait for him. I did, ever so nervous. He came around, man! I'm not materialistic but, NICE CAR! He looks so much cuter in person. I got even more nervous. I thought the guy was a geeky nerdy person who works on computers and x-boxes 24/7.  I got in the car. He wouldn't look me in the eye. I thought, great, he is not interested. Awesome, we're gonna have a short date, then he will dump me back here. Oh well, at least I tried. I was even thinking of being like, you know what? Er, I gotta go back. See ya later! Bye! I put my big girl panties on and rolled with it! He took me to Red lobster far away. I couldn't tell ya where that place is. 

He seemed nervous too as we went along, the drive to the restaurant was about 30  minutes. I ordered a mixed platter with shrimp, calamari and some veggies. Everything was deep fried, including the veggies. Have you ever seen broccoli drenched in oil? Well... He ordered steamed shrimp and I can't remember what else. He offered me some of his food. That was nice cos mine was inedible. We talked about general stuff. Very platonic. Nothing date like. I could tell he wasn't into me like that. He was just trying to kill time. 

He was married for 13 years or so. His wife died last year. They never had kids, he has a daughter with an ex girlfriend. Daughter has her own family now, she lives in a different state. Rancho's mom doesn't live that far from him. He had an IT job offer in Japan but forwent it to be close to his elderly mom. He is very close to his family. He also has a sister. Older. He was going to go for dinner with his mom that very evening. After lunch, I used the restroom and got ready for the long drive home. We walked to the car. He opened the door for me, we had what could be mistaken for a moment there for a second but we had spent enough time together that I could tell, we were not that couple. As we were driving off the parking lot, he asked me which beach I wanted to go to. I couldn't believe it! OMG! He likes me! He really, really likes me! (in that Sally Field voice). 

I didn't care which beach we went to, I was happy to have been wrong about him and I. I knew he was interested when he put his hand on my knee on our way to the beach. We arrived at seal beach. He didn't want me to walk on the sand and bring it into his car cos he had washed it that morning. I was like why did you bring me here then? smdh. We sat in the car and watched the sun set and talked. It was nice. After that, he was like, ok, come on, let's go. We went for a short walk towards the beach and watched more sunset. It got dark quickly. Not creepy dark, it was just after sunset after all. He came closer, gave me a nice hug and may or may not have rest his head on my chest. It was a nice moment though, not creepy. Trust me, I know creepy, I've been through creepy, I recognise her when I see her. 

We walked back to the car. We talked for a second, he hugged me and stole a kiss. Nothing more than a peck on the lips aka baby kiss. It was all a welcome surprise as I didn't think any of that was going to be happening that evening. It was a nice change to the last date I had been on where I left flying barefoot smdh. 

Rancho dropped me off, he was rushing to meet up with his mother at 8pm. He called me on his way home. We talked until he got home. His mom was too tired from church, she cancelled. We talked on the phone the entire night until we went to bed around 2 the following morning. 












Date Rape?

So after Russian Roulette Challenged me to go on 100 dates, I went back on the internet and registered with all the dating sites I know of and posted an ad. I got a ton of responses from middle aged men. One of them was a Persian man who  now lives in Southern California. He seemed like the real deal. We exchanged email addresses within house and in no time, exchanged phone numbers. I, of course, googled his ass and found that he is a Dentist from Iran, he was divorced blah blah blah. I got his address and everything. I didn't tell him I had done that because I do that for myself to verify if someone if who they say they are.

We met that very evening. Daddy was moving fast! I like it! That evening, I got ready, he picked me up in a limo. I didn't see that one coming. I mean, it's a Limo, even Stevie Wonder would've seen it coming, but you know what I mean. He looked nice, nice, expensive fitted suit. It looked so good on him, like it was custom made. He shook my hand and opened the back door for me. THAT was something I had never experienced before. I have dated Spotty, who had a limo but not once did he let me sit in the back seat. Anyway, he asked me where I wanted to go to eat. I was like, let's have seafood. We had already talked about that. apparently he lived in Hollywood before, so he was quite familiar with the area. He took me to West Hollywood, everywhere was packed.

He asked if  I like Pizza. I toldhim I don't mind it, but am not particularly crazy about it. He told me he was going to suggest we go to his house, he would make me one from scratch. I was like no, no houses. I don't go to your house and you don't come to mine. Not on the first meeting. He said, ok, the offer is open, whenever you want me to cook for you, you're welcome at my house. I thought that was nice.

 We went to Westwood. He took me to an Iranian restaurant. I ordered Rice with salmon. It came in a huge ass platter, five generous pieces of Fish, and some veggies. He had eggplant/aubergine/brinjal lol  I just love how this veggie has three different names. I think Brinjal is only South African though. I could be wrong. anyway. I had one piece of salmon and drank water. I wasn't at all that hungry. He told me I could take the rest home. He asked them for a takeout container, dished the rice onto, then the fish, asked for butter in Iranian. They brought it for him, he opened up the small tubs, buttered the fish. that was random, what if i didn't want butter on the fish? I decided to be easy going and not question him about that. He got the tab, then we left. He put the food in the front seat with him. I sat at the back. It was a cold January night. southern Californian cold. He asked if I wanted ice cream from a Persian place across the street. I was down!

We walked over there, he got me a sandwich type ice cream. Passion fruit / granadilla. He wasn't going to have any. He asked if I wanted to sit in the car or in the ice cream place. It was cold! I was like sure let's sit in the car. I thought it would also be a nice chance for us to talk, we had hardly talked the entire time. I was the one asking the questions. We walked to the car, he opened the back door for me. I got in, he got into the driver's side, drove of. I was like, WAIT A MINUTE!  Where are we going? He told me, to his place. He wanted me to be comfortable. I was like but we talked about this, we are not going to your place. He told me that we were not going to be long, he just wanted me not to spill Ice cream in his car. the car was moving. His house is like two streets away from the restaurants and a block away from UCLA. He has a daughter who goes to UCLA. I saw that when doing my research.

We arrived at the place. We got to the apartment. He told me his daughter went to a friend's birthday party. It's a small, two bedroom apartment. As soon as we got there, he cut the ice cream sandwich in half, and served it to me with a fork and a very sharp looking knife. Not before we took off our shoes though. I guess it's one of those houses. He sat next to me and reached for a hug. There was no reason to hug at all. We hadn't talked much, we didn't know that much about each other, we didn't have any particular connection, it was all too random, but what was I to do? I hugged him back and went back to my ice cream. I couldn't tell you what the ice cream tasted like. Soon after the hug, he asked me when I am going to give him a massage. He had told me before while we were still out that he likes massages, this is after I told him what I used to do in south Africa for a living. He showed me a place he goes to for massages with happy endings. He asked if I give happy endings. That was the only time he actually seemed to talk freely. When we were talking about happy endings. I told him I didn't go to school for massage to give happy endings. That's a different kind of massage field. He was like come on, that's the only reason people go for massages. Happy endings.

When he asked him for a massage, I told him, it's only our first date, I am not touching him and don't expect him to touch me. He reached behind me and unhooked my bra in a split second. I was shocked. I was like WTF? Before I could finish saying that, his fingers were squeezing my nipples.  I guess he was trying to turn me on quickly before I had time to feel violated. I gain WHAT THE F*CK? I pushed his hands off me, he quickly snuck his hands under my dress all the way up to the back of my bra to 'hook it back up'. he told me, 'you have to pay!' I was like, for what? In retrospect, I think he wanted me to pay for the piece of salmon I ate from the dinner he later put in a doggy bag and took home to eat later. By the way, the leftover dinner, he bagged for me to take home earlier? He put it in his fridge when we got to the apartment.

That man was all over me! I kept looking at that very sharp knife at the coffee table in front of me, trying to figure out how to save myself using it. Everything was moving really fast. I jumped up, headed for the bathroom, locked myself in there, took a deep breath looked myself in the eye in the mirror, you know wondering if that was really happening. I fixed myself up then ran past him, grabbed my shoes and was like, I'm out mutha f*cker! He came after me, told me to wait for him, he would take me home. I waited for him outside the apartment. It was late, cold, dark, I had never been in that neighborhood before, that was the least of my worries though because I have gps. I am always going to places I had never been before. He came out, we walked to the car. This time, he didn't open the door for me. I didn't give a fck.

He drove like a maniac. The strangest thing happened on that ride home. I couldn't keep my eyes open. Who dozes off with a monster in a car? I swear that guy must have sprinkled something in that Ice cream sandwich that was meant to work while I was still at his place but I left too soon. he dropped me off a block away from my place. I didn't care, I was glad to be the hell out of there and away from him. He didn't utter a word in the care on the ride home. Neither did I. Well, I was busy trying to stay awake





Saturday, June 7, 2014

James Bond

When we got home, James invited me over to his for a night cap. Soon as we got to his, he was like omg, it's so stuffy in here, he opened up windows, turned on the fan, sprayed air freshener, took out the garbage. It was cute to see him act so nervous.  That is so something I would do. We hung out for an hour or two on his bed then I went home.

He told me to pop in anytime to say hi or for a visit. I hope he knew he was opening up a can of worms by doing so! I ran upstairs to mine. My roomie was asleep. He goes to bed around 8pm, wakes up around 1am, heads out and will be back around 4am sometimes. It's a very interesting schedule. Especially because we were sharing a studio.He would come home, open up windows, turn on ceiling fan, all the lights and maybe open the door as well, just for the hell of it. I would wake up with my nostrils completely dry. You know, I don't want to complain to him and be that person but why can't he be that person and not do all this in the middle of the night? I get walking into a stuffy room and wanting to open up the windows, from my experience using mini buses in South Africa, I know that after a minute, you will have adjusted and get mad at the person who gets on and opens up the window. But I was open to him opening the window only for a few minutes. He wouldn't do that. He would go straight to bed, with the hope that he would get up and shut everything again but then, he was so tired, he would just go to sleep. Now without taking a shower though. That guy would take 3 showers per day. Pretty impressive.

Jon was a hairstylist, self employed. He seemed to do all his work at night though. He told me that usually after cutting someone's hair, he would join them in the shower and they would have 'fun'. I am assuming his clients were mainly gay. Not that I care. Interestingly enough, he would go home afterwards and take another shower. I wasn't paying for water or lights, so it didn't affect my finances in any way. I just found it interesting that someone who wouldn't clean up after himself or brush the toilet after doing a number two or even flush sometimes, would shower so many times a day as if he's a neat freak.

In the time I roomed with Jon, I ate TV Dinners, you know the boxed, precooked dinners and lunches? 3 minutes in the microwave and you're done! Maybe  I should go back to that! Life was much simpler then :)

Jon is vegetarian, very health conscious, very West Hollywood. He loves tea though, he lives on it. It was cute how he always made tea in a teapot on the stove. Very unusual for someone like me who neither drinks tea nor coffee. Nor Alcohol for that matter. I should be a mormon!

One afternoon, I got a call from James, he was just saying hi. He was on his way home. He asked if I wanted to hang out. I mean! Is that a rhetorical question? Of course I wanna hang out! We love James!

This wasn't long after I got my huge can of Caramel and Cheese Popcorn shipped to my place by the Queen Latifah Show. I tell ya the gifts were never ending. I was always receiving something in the mail. I bet ya the office must have been wondering about me. I offered Jon some popcorn, he would have some all hours of day and night. I tell ya, dude would wake up in the middle of the night, smoke weed, get himself hungry from that and munch on my special, expensive popcorn. I ain't kidding, the can was worth $80 (that R800 for popcorn). Even if it was cheap, know your boundaries, if someone offers you something, don't have half. This is not an in community of property type of rooming arrangement. GTFOH! I gave some to my friend, Julie and took some with me to James' when he invited me over.

He was so grateful. He kept saying, 'aw, you're so sweet.' I was thinking, so whatchu gonna do about it? ;)

He had been trying to buy some furniture online for his new apartment. Apparently he heard back from this couple of ladies in Studio City. He had to go pick it up. He asked if I wanted to go along. I was in my pyjamas. It didn't matter because he was driving. I went along with him. I love going on drives, it's always been my thing. One of the things I miss about having a car, gassing it up and hitting the open road. This was in the evening, no traffic. Yay!

When we got there, the ladies asked if we were a couple. My heart beat really fast when they did. James and I smiled, looked at each other and went 'no!' in unison. The girls helped us load the table and chairs on the truck. We drove back to hollywood. When we were in the car, James was like, can you believe they just asked if we are a couple? I was like uhm, hehehe. I didn't know what to do with that question, then I rambled about a time where I was with this guy who liked me on Hollywood and Vine. I wanted to take a picture on the walk of fame, he offered to take it for me but then someone offered to take a picture of both of us and I was like, nah, thanks we're good! I went on to tell him another story about a man who complimented that same guy and I about how cute a couple we looked (we didn't) and told the guy he has good taste. Guy didn't correct the man, he just thanked him for the compliment. This man is engaged, he lives with his woman.I don't know why he is collecting compliments about him and I. Anyway, we lost the moment due to my ramblings. I was nervous! What was I to say?

When we got back home, I helped him carry the stuff to his place. James was like, oh no you don't have to. I'm like, come on! How you gon carry all this stuff by yourself and still be able to hold the door open? #Superman When we got home, he set everything up, cleaned it and was like, we need to test drive this! I'm making dinner. I was like, ok, but I'm leaving, so bye! Enjoy dinner. He kept telling me to stay,so I did

James Made dinner, He had left over brown rice, he made a toasted chicken sandwich, some salad and the rice and he gave me some gluten free, everything free, vegan fruit juice from Whole Foods. It was great. He is such a gracious host! He kept getting up to get stuff to make me feel comfortable. I was like, sit down and eat, your food is gonna get cold! He's adorable. And hot.

After dinner, I tried to leave. He told me to stay a little longer. We talked about everything under the sun, relationships, Hollywood, you name it. He sat on the bed, I was at the table. He told me to sit on the bed with him. It's comfier, so I did.