Saturday, March 16, 2019

Suvival Mode!

Happy spring / fall, wherever you are! Yesterday, we had the hottest day of the year so far in los Angeles.
I went for a walk and wore a sun hat for the first time in a while.  
   Where were we? Keeping calm and carrying on  While my own husband’s trying to get me deported. What would you have done
in my shoes?

When he got home from work, trying to play nicey nice, I had to confront the elephant in the room.   Without preparing a speech or anything, I blurted out something alog the lines of; I’m getting deported. Thanks for withdrawing my green card application.
His eyes went big, a combination of shock and guilt. He cried and told me that we could fix it together. Calvin is not even a cry baby but the amount of crying he did during this period, was beyond velief. The funny thing is, he cried more than me. Even though I was the one going through it!

I told him, He had won! He obviously wanted to so the ultimate thing to hurt me and you know what? You won! I told him. He told me, “you made me so angry!” That’s his go to line when he doesnt something hurtful, he spins it around so fast and tells me it’s cos I made him so angry. He will say that in the middle of an apology. Which takes away the apologeticness of the applogizer if you catch my drift. You don’t applogize and then blame the person you’d wronged for your actions.  Otherwise, don’t apologize, just justify your actions! He told me the reason he had been so crying so much lately, was because he knew what he did (sending that letter of green card withdrawal to immigrations) and was feeling guilty for it. I’m like you were crying in my arms daily for something you knew you did intentionally to betray be but never once did you think to forewarn me! You watched me console you day in and fay out, telling you, we’ll be ok. All hope isn’t gone! But you knew, you did the ultimate thing! There’s no repairing this! I was so mad that even in the midst of doing me the dirtiest anyone has ever done me, he still used me to make himself feel better.

There’s a lot of begging, let’s be cool again, let’s find a lawyer, let me fix this, blah. My thing about people messing up, which may not be the best thig ever, is; don’t f*ck up and we won’t have to worry about fixing your f*ck ups! I’m not saying I don’t mess up. Just saying, prevention is better than cure. As if there isn’t enough to worry about in life as it is, now, I gotta worry about this new problem you invited into our lives! I don’t need this! This isn’t even something I can put in the burner, I got 30 days! Some months are longer than that! 

I was not disappointed with his actions. The disappointment was when I first realized that he has no respect for me as a human being  by infringing on my human rights by yelling at me and following me around the house as if I’m a second class citizen. The disappointment was when he would apologize and then turn around and do the same thing and expect me to forgive him every single time as if I’m retarded. It was when I’d be treated like a turd and then when people come over in the midst of all that, you’d turn around and be the sweetest husband to have ever walked the planet and you’d expect me to play along to save face. What face? Whose face? No name a few. At this point, I was mad! Pissed! Was really seeing you for who you are! At this point I could tell, “he ain’t playing no more!”  It was gloves off! There was nothing you could say to try and bullshit your way back into my heart. You had done the ultimate! Not because American citizenship is the most important thing to me in my life but because YOU saw it as such and targeted it. It’s about your intention to try and stick it where it’s gonna hurt the most. That’s what it was about! I wasn’t shocked because you had been building up to this. I knew there and then that I really meant nothing to you. I don’t know if I did at some point or not, but at that point, I didn’t and I received it for exactly what it was! 

How do you come back from this? 

I got a chance to talk to my sister who was on vacation at the time. I’d been trying not to mention this to her because helluurrr, vacay life! But it came up! I needed to talk about it, so i dont die a slow drath from the ultimate betrayal, ever! My sister’s teaftion lit up a fire under me. The hurt that I felt over the telephone coming from my family who has trusted me with this man, I had to right it! I had to right that wrong! I wasn’t gonna be a victim. I’ve bever been anyway! My husband, Calvin, by tryibg to pull the rug from under me was trying to make me helpless so that I can depend upon him 100%. He didn’t like that I was my own woman. Even though he met me as such and even mentioned that I was the first woman he was with who “has her shit together”. All of a sudden, that was a threat in our relationship! 

How are you going to deport me but you found me here? 

My sister was so upset, she said: Calvin must know tht by doing this, and trying to take away your dreams that you’ve been working on for years; he isn’t only hurting you! He’s hurting our entire family! Because we’re so invested in your happiness. 

Do you know how much that broke my heart? To be the reason thiskind of pain is introduced to my family? I was livid! I had to figure out a way forward! I had to succeed, even if it’s the last thing I do! Even if just to prove to him that he is not be all, end all of the universe! Even if just to show him! You know?

I pulled up my sleeves, put on my glasses (just kidding. I don’t wear glasses), turned on my computer, went on the internet and sat up. Research time! How do I get out of this... in 29 days?

I kept this entire situation to myself, so as not to invite weird energies around it. I had to focus and discussingy issues whith every Tom, Dick and Harry wasn’t going to help me solve anything. 

Husband wanted to know what my next move was going to be. F*ck you! You don’t get to be let into my life anymore. Leave me alone! He was like, are you gonna call the coos on me? You know I can call the cops on you too, right? Are you gonna A? Are u gonna B? I’m like, pls C your way out of this! We’re not friends! You’ve made this very clear with your actions, of late! No, My Brook, I love you! I’m sorry! I was just hurt. I can fix this! Let me fix this! I said: OK. FIX IT! 
I really  just eanted him off my back. He literally went on google, looked up immigration lawyers and valled the first one that popped up. He put them on speaker  and asked him if I’ll forgive him if he fixed this. I told him NO! He wanted me to give him peace of mind that all is well with the world while I was sinking in poo that he put me in. No, Calvy! That’s not how life works. 

He just would not leave me alone. He was watching me like a hawk! 

I had to be tactful about when I did my research. There were a lot of forms I needed to fill out. The orinter is in Calvin’s space. I couldn’t just do whatever whenever. There are cameras all around the house. Ihave to be careful in and outside the house. 

When you’re on survival mode, you will be surprised at what you’re capable of. 

Some days, my friend, Tebo and I would be on the phone and Calvin would yell things at her to try and ruin out friendship. She was the only friend I had here. Granted, we don’t hang out in person, but we talked a lot over the phone. He wanted to isolate me from that human contact as well. He even went as far as asking for her number. I told her this, in disbelief. Her response was to put him on the phone with her. I’m not sure what this would have achieved. It’s not how I handle things, so it didn’t happen. 

Calvin was obsessed with being my friend on Facebook. This, I’ll never understand! I’ve never been one to add my significant other on social media. I’m not sure what pne stands to gain from that. I live my teal life here with you, everyday. What do you want from my social media? I feel like, that’s like asking to go out when your spouse gors on girl’s/ guy’s trip!for what? Why do you need to be involved in everything? Dear reader, I would like to hear your thoughts in this subject. Please comment here on hit me up on social media under my name Babalwa Brook. 

TIme flyes! 28 days, 27, 20,  I’m finding out more and more information on the internet. Things are looking up. Or are they...

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