Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Elvis, My King, where the f*ck art thou?


While getting to know each other, talking it up over the phone with Elvis, he would say things like, “so how flexible are you?” I’d be like, you mean .... “you know?!” uhm, I can’t believe you just asked me that! Or we’d be talking, then he would be like, “so you didn’t pick up when I called earlier, were you doing some stretching exercises?” Stretch exercises? What for? “so you can be nice and flexible for daddy.” Are you for real? Nobody says the things you say!
Overall, I was still excited to meet him in person. I was excited to go to LA for the first time in my life. It had been a dream of mine. You know I was dying to get out of Perry’s house, even for  a day! At first El said he was going to pick me up the night of Christmas  Eve, then he changed his mind. He wanted to spend part of Christmas with his family, so he was either going to take them to a restaurant and give his sister a break from cooking, where they were going to have Christmas lunch. Or he was going to order take out from one of the restaurants that serve Christmassy stuff and have them deliver to the house, so he wouldn’t feel bad not being with his family the entire day. He seemed like he was really making an effort to please everybody.
He confirmed that would leave LA around 11 am to be in San Diego around 1pm to pick me up. I was to take with me my laptop, in case we needed to google some stuff to do and places that would be open and all that. I would have been happy doing that on my blackberry really, but ok. Hopefully this guy wasn’t some conman who was going to rob me of my valuables. He did ask me before how big my laptop was in inches. I found that odd, that he would care. Anyway, I didn’t get ready until Christmas morning because I have been disappointed too much, I never get ready until the very last minute. I don’t want to be that fool who was stood up. Dressed up and all.
Did I tell you Elvis doesn’t have a Cellphone? Yep, 2012 and the guy doesn’t have a Cellphone. His reason is because once, he was out of town and ran his bill up so much talking to a girlfriend while driving back that he never ever wants to pay that much on a telephone bill again. Uh, which country were you in? They have unlimited talk and text plans in America now starting from $40 per month! You work in a shop, you should know that? Didn’t the Kardashians tell you that when you were on a conference call with them?
He told me that he will consider getting a Cellphone when he is in a serious relationship with someone and lives with them. He wants to get married to, the whole nine yards. Speaking of which, what happened that you’re almost fifty and you’ve never been married. “People always ask that, and I can ask you the same question, how come you’ve never been married?” Because I’m a woman, and wait on a guy to ask, you on the other hand are a man, it’s on you to ask a girl. So you will probably get asked that question more than us women. I’ve been asked a couple of times before but nothing came of it, obviously. He told me about how he came so close with a few of the women he’s dates. One woman, he was on the way to surprise at work with the ring. As he was pulling up at her work’s parking lot, he busted her making out with a man. That was the end of that relationship. The rest of the stories, I was to  hear at a later stage. The Kenyan woman, had to move to the East coast to be with his family because they needed her or something to that effect. They are still friends, he wishes he could be friends with all his exes but some don’t think so, something he genuinely doesn’t understand. Well, Elvis, NEITHER DO I! I don’t get it. Make your own friends. Who are just gonna be your friends, have a bunch of exes and that of friends, why should you be so desperate to be friends with your exes, MOVE ON! They’ve clearly moved on, you do so too!
I tried to find cute clothes to wear for our very first meeting. We hadn’t skyped because he doesn’t have a webcam. I was on the phone with my sister who I sent pictures of my in the outfits for her approval. Done! I did my hair and nails.
I had sent Elvis a few of my pictures over time, his comments would go something like, (this is after I asked him if he got them because he wouldn’t even acknowledge receipt thereof) “nice pic, I love your boots.” Really? My boots! I take a picture of my entire self and you’re gonna tell me you like my boots? Boots that my ex, Perry chose for me by the way. SideNote: I find that if you want to impress your new beau, wear something an ex bought for you. They seem to like the same things. I always get compliments from guys on things other guys bought for me. His comment to another picture I had sent him was, “being a plane Jane suits you” Uhm wtf, is this a comment or an insult?
He had told me on our first telecon what he likes lookswise. Check it out: Long, artificial nails, long hair, weaves, wigs, it doesn’t matter, colored contact lenses, full make up. If you’re my friend on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, you know what I look like! Since I’ve been in the US, I’ve been rocking short, relaxed hair, for the longest time, I’ve worn my nails short, partly because of the work I do, I’m a massage therapist, and a CNA and mainly because I like my nails short. I color them all the time but wear them short, coloured contact and blonde wigs? I have nothing against them, but I haven’t gone that route yet. Was this guy trying to change me already?
I told him how I was open to all those things as long as whoever needs them was going to pay for them. They were so not the priority in my life at the time. He wasn’t perfect, so I don’t know what gave him the balls to have such standards of people, i.e. me. I should be flexible, this that and the other. Oh and he may have mentioned a few times that he has a huge c*ck. “Something something, huge white c*ck). Closer to us meeting, I brought up the size thing and was like, by the way how big is it? “I’ve never measured it, but it’s going to be enough for you” Oh now, it’s enough! All along it was a huge white c*ck, what happened to that? Sht was getting real, it was time for him to be almost honest. I brought it up again and told him to measure it, I want inches damn it! He told me he didn’t have measuring tape, but gave me a rough estimate. This much or that much. When they do that, I know it’s the smaller number or an inch smaller than that even. I thought to myself, great, he’s small. He’s big headed and small. And I’m supposed to do stretching exercises for THAT!
He called me before the left and told me he was about to take a shower, he was going to call me on the way, get this; he was going to find a public phone and call me from it. I asked him what if he didn’t find one? He assured me he would. What do I know, I’ve only had cellphones half my life or more. I was expecting him around 1pm. He was going to call en route and then again when he got to San Diego. Uh, where exactly? I’d lived in SD for almost two months and don’t recall seeing a public phone. Anyway, I didn’t want him knocking on Perry’s door, that was drama I didn’t want to have the energy to want to be involved in. Perry caught a glimpse of my while I was getting ready, paid me a compliment (something my new guy had an issue with) and asked if I was going somewhere, “NOPE.”
I peeked through the window and saw El’s car, a green Ford Escape, crap, he’s here! I wasn’t ready yet AND I COULDN’T CALL OR TEXT TO LET HIM KNOW! Fck! What kind of a person is this? Why doesn’t this guy have a cell phone? Grrrrrr! He had told me he was considering getting a cheap $20 phone day before the trip, WHY DIDN’T HE?
I finished up quickly and wan outside, I wished Perry a Merry Christmas and strutted out the door, you know when you know you look cute and smell great and have great plans with a hot guy and you’re walking away from your ex who is lounging around the house with no plans dressed in his house clothes? Feels great doesn’t it?
I got outside and ELVIS WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. Shhhhhhtttttt!