Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Last Comic Standing

I had to think about the idea of having someone stay at my place for an entire two months. Heck, that's longer than some roommates I've had in the past and those experiences were quite something!

Clef and I were sitting in the living room talking, he was telling me about his day, how he is so glad I'm South African. He loves South Africans. He once was in a relationship with a Zulu girl. She's the one who got away. I think when he met me, all those memories came back and he had hope that he won't let that girl, who has reincarnated as me, slip away again. Only, I wasn't looking for a relationship with him. He paid me so many compliments on my looks, it was borderline uncomfortable.

Apparently Clef went to the post office to cash his money orders. The lady who served him called the supervisor, who in turn gave Clef suspicious looks, asked him a bunch of questions and then went to the back with his money orders. According to Clef, they treated him as though he was a criminal and he didn't like it. Who would? He told me that the supervisor was African American, she is the one who discriminated against him the most. One more reason, he's not feeling African American women much, he told me. Apparently, they wanted all kinds of proof from him that those were his money orders. I don't know why, if they didn't think they were his, they didn't just let him go. He told me that he and his brother were in that post office for ever when he finally called the police because the post office people wouldn't give him his money orders back. I was like, the phuck! Are you for real? Eventually, the police made those people return his money orders to him. I felt bad for him that he went through that experience. He went on and on about black people and why he can't stand black people who are this way and that way. He was talking helluva loud too. I was thinking to myself, please sit down and tone it down!

He was so worked up from the post office story that he ended up on his feet, or maybe he likes sto stand on his feet, what do I know? I don't know the guy! he's 6'2 (1.88metres), about 350 lb (158kg) of muscle (. That's a lot of man to be towering over you, talking loud about how much he hates people. Especially someone you don't even know. I wasn't scared. I just wasn't feeling that. I did get why he was worked up, the situation was frustrating and unfair. I felt bad for him. It's just that the walls are thin and neighbors can hear the conversation without trying, so. He went on about black people and white people. One of the reasons he likes Black South Africans is that, like Haitians, we only date within our race. Wrong! But ok. I wasn't going to take my chances and argue with that guy. He seemed to know more about my people than me, so I let him be. Before I knew it, we were talking about religion. Another tricky subject.He sure knows how to pick his topics of conversation. I just wanted to be like, I thought you were a comedian! Well then, make me laugh goddamnit! He showed me a video of some guy who proves how something about whether there is a God or not, I couldn't even tell you the point of it. I was just thinking to myself, how long is this sht. I'm over this conversation. Five minutes or so into the video, he told me that that was actually not the one. But that was interesting too, so to continue watching that one, he was going to show me another one after that. #KillMe!

He later asked what I was doing that night. He was going to call a friend and go to the comedy club with the friend but if I want to, he would like to take me instead. I had heard of the comedy club on Melrose, but had never been. I agreed because it was his first night and he seemed like he had been through a lot but that was going to be the first and the last time he and I ever went anywhere together. He told me that he was going to pay for everything in the club, not to worry about it. We got in my car, as I pulled off, he was like, 'wow! I can't believe this! I'm in a Range Rover in Beverly Hills with a beautiful woman!' I think right there and then he was thinking that he got it made.

I had just filled up my car with gas that very morning. Gas which was supposed to last me for a week if  I worked everyday. When he came up with the comedy club thing, I thought, sht, this is about to cramp my style! Oh well! I asked if they had parking there, he told me that even if they didn't, he was going to take care of parking. Cool! We parked in the street, right by the club. Parking was free from that hour on. When we arrived at the place, the lady asked to see or tickets, Clef told them, 'I'm a comedian!' They let us in. The hell is going on here? I used my gas that I bought with real money and his contribution is free parking and free entrance? Wow!

We sat and watched comediennes. Some were hilarious. I laughed out loud a lot. Clef didn't laugh once. It was quite interesting. He seemed like he was deep in thought. A lot of people recognised him there. Apparently he lives in LA for 2 years ten years ago or for ten years 2 years ago, one of the two .... or ten haha. The last act was a guy who I was rooting for at Last Comic Standing. That was a real treat because that season of last comic hadn't aired yet. I told Clef that I recognised that guy from Last Comic. There was a fight just before that comic's turn. He was so turned off when it finally was his turn because they had to stop the fight, kick people out and all that. He told the audience that he had stuff prepared but was no longer in the mood which sucks because nobody knows him yet.... Clef was like, I do! He asked where from, he screamed, 'Last comic!' The phuck! Btch just stole my line! He doesn't even know the guy!

Anyway, Clef asked if he could do a small set, they told him that there wasn't enough time to squeeze him in. I think that's what was on his mind. He moved back to LA to do comedy, so he wanted to grab every opportunity he had and couldn't get in that night.

He asked me if I wanted to eat. I told him I could use a snack. It was an hour and a half or so into the night and I was hungry. He had told me that he was going to buy us drinks, he must have gotten disappointed when I told him I don't drink. That's not the way into my pants, sorry. In case, he was trying. He asked for the menu, I decided to order the cheapest thing over there, just in case. I mean, I don't know the guy and he was paying at my place, I didn't want him spending more money on me. I had chicken strips. An appetizer (starter). Clef just ordered a glass of wine. I drank my own water that I brought with me. He told me that he wasn't hungry but went on to grab the first chicken strip, dip, bite and dip again. Dang it man! Why you gotta double dip right now? THEN he gave me his Yelp review before I even tasted the things. He was like, 'these are horrible!' Great! Not only did you ruin my appetite by double dipping, you just had to go on and say that! There were only a few strips on the plate anyways. I ate them because I was hungry but they were horrible.

At the end of the night, on my way from the rest room, I bumped into one of my favorite comics from Last comic standing, Tony Baker, what a treat! I called him by name, told him how I enjoyed him on Last comic and asked for a selfie with him. He thanked me and smiled for a picture in which he looks better than me! We left and when we got home, I made a comment about the chicken strips. I went on and on about how horrible they were, I said something along the lines of they tasted like dirty underwear. I was like after all those jokes about vaginas and periods, those chicken strips tasted like dirty tampons. I was just joking. But I was on fire lol. Clef didn't even comment to my review of the strips.

What do you do at the end of the night after you drove someone to a place that was his idea? Do you thank him for taking you out?