Monday, August 31, 2015

Vision Board

I made my vision board end of 2014. Some of the things on the list were-
1) A Land Rover; I didn't have a car at the time and I thought I'd put up my favorite car and see what happens. If you're gonna dream, you might as well dream big!
2) An apartment in Beverly Hills. (Again, dream big or go home.... I was planning to move back to Los Angeles)
3) Vacation in San Francisco. (I'd always wanted to go. I wanna go everywhere but this is one of my top destinations.)
4) Fall in love. Like in real love!

.... to name a few!

In my gratitude journal, I went into detail about what I wanted, especially about the most important things like home, love, car, work etc. I also made a list of things that I wanted to do with my time once back in LA because what tends to happen is, you think you are going to have the best year of your life and before you know it, it's September and you haven't done sht. I thought that if I put it in writing, I would be able to put it in practice. I have always had a notepad where I write a list of things to do, it could be for the following month, week, quarter or year or just a list of things I want to get around to do it. I was never strict about, whenever, I would stumble upon the notepad, I would have a look at my list and find that I had done all or most of the things on my list. It is so fulfilling to scratch off an entire page of to do things, as DONE! Try it!

I was still working on changing my daily thoughts into positive ones. That could be an easier challenge but it's an ongoing one. It's basically like changing your entire thought and belief process. It's so worthwhile though! Sometimes, something would happen and the old me would have reacted in a way that's not so positive; example, you're ready to go, you have just about enough time to get where you need to be or you could even be late and the car won't start. Normally, one would be so depressed because their entire day is about to get ruined. Maybe you're going to a job interview or a shoot or something really important. I have found that, your reaction to such instances is what makes or breaks your day not the incident itself. If you believe that things will work themselves out, they will. You may turn the key again and the car will start, maybe it's an automatic and you're trying to start it with the gear on drive because you were so distracted when you parked it, you forgot to put it on park or it could be something more serious.Either way, you could end up making it on time or not at all and not getting the job that you were going to interview for but because you believed that things are going to work out, you may get a call that afternoon from the one job you never in your wildest dreams thought you could get and they may hire you on the spot. No interview. However, if you let the car not starting situation ruin your mood, things will start tumbling down from there on and you will have a bad day. Guaranteed. And you will blame it on the car brand, 'that's why I hate Toyota's or Honda's. Why can't I afford a Land Rover? I also want to be those people who drive around in SUV's, who never have problems. Blah!'

How do you know those people don't have problems? Just because they don't tell you, doesn't mean they don't have their own challenges!  Even if you drove a Bugatti, you would still have a problem if you tried to start an automatic car in gear or whatever the case may be, because you will still have the same pessimistic attitude towards life. Change your attitude and change your life! Sometimes, you will feel silly for not being realistic, because you're keeping it real by being negative minded. That's what a lot of people say. 'I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist' Ssssuuuurrreee! What's reality really?

I was staying in a studio apartment type spot and was working two days a week for only a few hours. But I wanted the things I did and believed I could get them. I'm very good with money, if I must say so myself. I've had to take care of myself financially since I was a teenager, so I can have all my savings in my pocket and never use it for an entire year. I'm grateful for that characteristic, especially when you live the kind of life I live. When you're the only person you know around. It's not like you can call your cousin or sister or godparent or whatever and ask them to lunch where you will pour your heart out and hope they will loan you some $$$$$. Everyone is in a whole other continent, boo! Even so, I have never been one to do loans and stuff, I was the one who would lend people money from a young age. I knew how to get my money back too, though, don't get it twisted! I'm done with all that now! You ask me for a loan, I tell you now, with a smile in my face. You just don't go there with your loved ones, unless you're trying to ruin your relationship. In which case, by all means! Be my guest!

                So Chris had been threatening to throw away my clothes, or, as he put it, donate my stuff to Red cross if I didn't pick it up in a few days. I was in Las Vegas, he was in Los Angeles. That was not part of the plan but a girl can change her mind, I guess. He was mad because I wasn't picking up his calls and not returning his text. I was simplifying my life, the last thing I needed to do was have aimless, repetitive conversations with Chris about sluts and whores who used him for sex. Things that just didn't make sex because if any woman let him sleep with them, it's his luck, not the other way around. I just didn't want to go there with him again just because I am in fear that he was going to dispose of my stuff. I had gone on 6 months or so without that stuff. I could survive without it but I also didn't want to give him the satisfaction of donating my stuff. I mean, he would never donate it, he was going to keep it for himself, let's be frank!

I asked him what his schedule was for the following week. He told me that he was still off Mondays and Tuesdays. I told him that I was going to try to make my way to LA. By then, we had hashed things out and he had told me (again) that he was going to keep my stuff, which was not even in his way, until I moved back to LA. He needed me to move back to LA, he never wanted me to move to Vegas, to begin with, that was reassurance that I would be back in LA, the stuff he had at his place. I am not sure why he threatened to get rid of it. Anyway, I called a lady who books me for work in LA and told her that I was going to be in town for two days. I asked her to book me for those days. That was going to be a nice and easy way to make money while in LA and get to see my friends who I work with AND get away from Chris. How many birds with one stone? A whole lot!

I took an overnight bus from Vegas, I always take the overnight bus when traveling so that I have an entire day where I am headed. I slept on the bus and arrived around 5:30 Downtown LA. I called and let Chris know that I had just arrived. I was on my way to Korea town where he lives. I would text him when I was outside. He checked the bus schedule and told himself that I was supposed to arrive at a specific time. When I didn't, he started blowing up my phone. I was at Jack in the box, having me some $1 tacos, trying to kill time. I wanted to arrive there when I only had a few minutes to get ready and head out to the show I was doing that morning. I didn't want to have to be stuck there with him answering rhetorical questions.
Back in LA - Six months after moving to Vegas


I ignored his calls, he called and called and called. Finally, he sent a text telling me that if I were Downtown when I said I was, I should have arrived at his place by then. He was tired of waiting for me, blah blah blah. Like, why you waiting for me, boo? I texted him that I was on my way, I headed over there asap before the you know what hit the fan.

I brought him tacos for breakfast too. He gave me a hug and told me he was so happy  I was there. He wanted to take me out to lunch and dinner that day. He had all these plans for both of us that he made without consulting me. I just arrived all the way from Vegas. I was only going to be in town for two days, why would you think that I didn't have plans for the time I was going to be in town for? It boggles my mind how that guy's mind works..... or doesn't!  I told him I needed to be in Hollywood in 30 minutes. I asked if I could take a shower. He agreed, came and stood by the bathroom door and asked me not to use his towels, (like EEEEeeeewwww, why would anyone want to?), not to use too much toilet paper, should I use the toilet, otherwise It was going to block the toilet blah blah blah. I was about to lose my mind! I had to hurry up and get out of there as soon as ASAP. I know that's redundant but that's how fast I had to get outta there! I didn't want to say anything because I was boiling inside and whatever I would say would've been impolite and the guy was hosting me. I had to have manners. He had told me that he washed his linen for me, he was going to let me sleep on the bed and he was going to sleep on the floor. 'I will do that for you, Brook! I will do that for you! I will do that for you!' Don't forget he repeats every sentence three times! I told him I was ok with sleeping on the floor, no need for special treatment. He insisted. I could tell he wanted me to thank him so much. I couldn't yet though because it wasn't bed time yet, I wasn't sleeping on the bed yet. Things could still change. He needed that thank you though! It was the ginormous elephant in the room! I was just like, I gotta go to Hollywood. See you later. He asked if I wanted him to come along. I was like, nah, thanks, bye! #AWkward
My swollen feet and I, waiting outside for Chris to open. He didn't understand what I meant when I texted him, please open for me, I'm outside. He was like, 'where are you now?' It took about ten minutes before he understood that I was outside to please open

I had been in touch with a friend of mine I met while doing background work, she wanted to meet up while I was in LA. After work, she came by. I met up with her at the gate, we went to a restaurant around the corner and caught up over there. When I told Chris I was going to step out, he had the keys, so I needed to report to him at all times, which was totally fine. He was like, how long are you going to be. I need to leave in an hour. Like, the whole thing was like bootcamp! #FunPoliceAlert

I told my friend that if I were to be a minute late, he was going to lock me out. She had somewhere to go as well. She told me that he had to meet up with a white girl friend. I didn't understand why she had to tell me the race of the friend. She kept saying, she's white, like your boyfriend, but she's a female. I was like, ok! Have fun!

When I got back to the apartment, Chris was like, I am about to head out, I was wondering where you are! "Thank you for respecting me and not having strangers come into my home and for coming back on time. I am not used to this. I always have my Asian friends stay here and they never respect me. They also use me for sex and they ask me for money. You are nothing like them! I really appreciate you, Brook!" You see, it's those kinds of conversations that make me uncomfortable around Chris. Like, why do you have to specify the race, and why are you shaming other women while paying me a compliment? It makes it hard for me to thank me cos I just want to defend those other women so badly! Anyway, he asked to take me to dinner. I politely refused. He asked if I was going to eat the Tacos I brought with me that morning. I was like but those are yours, I gave them to you, remember? He told me he wasn't sure, that's why he didn't eat them. He respects people's things, he wouldn't just dig in, that's how he was raised. I'm thinking to myself, dude, just eat the damn tacos, stop fishing for compliments! He was like, 'are you sure, Brook'? I told him, I was, if he didn't want them, he cold throw them away. I was going to go to Mc Donald's, around the corner and grab a bite to eat. He was headed for an Indian restaurant downtown. Much better than Mc Dee's, plus I love Indian Cuisine, however, I didn't like it with a side of Chris' spit. He be spitting all over the place when he talked. That's a turn off! Plus, I didn't want any more favors from him. He told me he was going to buy me the burger and bring it back for me, dinner was on him if I could just contribute $5. Uhm, Mc Donald's has a $1 menu, I could have two items from that menu, and it would be way less than $5. Whatchu talkin'about, dinner is on me if you give me $5? That's daylight robbery if I've ever seen one!
Packing

Long story short, after all the negotiations, I lost my appetite. I told him I was going to bed. That's when he finally left. He had been standing on top of me, trying to get him to go with him, or give him money, or hug him, or love him, or something him. It was just too much. I can't deal with the clinginess of it all! By the way, I was sleeping on the floor. When I got home, he was sitting on the bed, he told me which drawer to open to take out bedding for myself to sleep on the floor. As if he wasn't the same person who insisted I slept on the bed that very morning. It was fine by me. The bedding he let me use, I had given to him when I moved to Vegas. I made my bed and went to bed. As soon as he left, I reached into my bed, had some nuts and fruit, drank a tall glass of water and went to bed. Always come prepared!

I also got up and started packing some of the things I was going to take with me. When I heard his footsteps, I ran back into bed and breathed as quietly as possible. You know when there's serial killer in your house and you're hiding in the closet? When you literally stop breathing? Well, that was me. The following day, I had a show to go to. It was an all day show as well. Thank goodness. I was probably an hour early. I just didn't want to be in that house. The show was pretty interesting, it was couples who were working on their marriages, they would then have sex in a tiny private room in the center of the stage, with us right there! The jury is still out if they actually did have sex or not. I never saw it when it aired.

After that show, I headed back to Chris'. He shot me with the usual rhetorical questions, my answers was always I don't know. That was to keep the conversation as short as possible. If I said yes or no, there could be a follow up question, you see? When I couldn't take it anymore, I went to sleep. He went out for dinner, I got up and packed some more in peace. I also got up early the following morning and packed some more. He got up and watched me in the dresser mirror. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time. At some point, he got up and sat on the chair in the kitchen, he had the chair face the dresser and watched me on there as if I couldn't see his reflection on the mirror. It was crazy. Very serial killer-esque. He had told me he is a deep sleeper, I didn't have to worry about getting up and packing in the middle of the night.
That's me in front of the mirror, the chair next to the dresser is where Chris sat and watched my every move at 2 am as I was packing
The following morning, he insisted on coming along to the station. I really didn't want him too but I was just like, forget it! Let's get this over and done with. His bad breath took over the entire cab. He wouldn't stop talking, asking the driver random questions nobody had answers to. I couldn't breath. At some point, I asked him to please stop talking until we got to Union station, his breath was smelling really bad and I couldn't breathe. He apologised and wend on about how he appreciated my honesty blah blah blah. I asked him to thank me when we were in the open at the station. I was dying! He just wouldn't stop talking!

Waiting for the cab

Directing Chris to take a picture from head to toe haha, pointing at toe. #TheStruggleIsReal

Chris helping me with my stuff in Union Station.